The Bumpy Road to Recovery

[Bagheera]

A bit of blogging this morning:

We've talked so far about the fact that my wife, who is a strong, assertive woman, needs me to be a stronger, dominant man in order to spark her sexual interest and keep her happy within our marriage. This is her 'sexual archetype,' what she responds to best, and you can just about rip him right out of one of her romance novels. To the man that can conquer her (and only him), my wife is a submissive, by nature.

But what about me?
What is my 'sexual archetype' and how well does she match it?

This is an area of potential sexual mismatch not covered in The Sex-Starved Marriage, but it should be an area covered by any smart sex therapist that you go to. Because it's not in the SSM, I thought I would share our own case a bit more, and hopefully encourage some folks to seek therapy who've been balking at the idea.

Sexual archetypes are our way of counteracting pathogenic beliefs acquired during childhood and adolescence (see Michael Bader's book on Arousal for more). We all have them, some more severe than others. My own parents had a very sex-starved marriage (yes, history repeats itself), where my small, slender mother rarely desired or enjoyed sex, and as I learned later, was generally non-orgasmic and didn't masturbate. From her I formed the pathogenic believe that Nice Girls Don't desire or enjoy sex. Additionally, my mother was terrified of teen-aged male sexuality and masturbation, and I would get a stern lecture before every date and an interrogation after I came home. So I also came to believe that Nice Boys Don't force themselves on Nice Girls, either. These are the two pathogenic beliefs that I must overcome in order to enjoy sex even today, and sexual archetypes and fantasies help us to do that.

So what is my sexual archetype, my 'fantasy girl'? In essence, she is female sexuality bustin'-out-at-the-seams, both literally and figuratively. Body-wise, she is curvaceous in an exaggerated hourglass, Dolly Parton fashion: T&A to the max. Attitude-wise, she is joyous and exuberant in her enjoyment of sex, completely uninhibited and unashamed. In a very real sense, she is the Anti-Mom. In my fantasies, I am neither strongly dominant nor submissive: my dream girl gives and takes with equal enthusiasm. In those fantasies I do tend to take a little more than I give, so that I am, in essence, a SWITCH with dominant leanings.

So what does our sex therapist see when he tries to match us up as a couple?

Physically, we aren't a bad match, although we've each compromised a little. My wife is most attracted to big, muscular guys, whereas I'm only 5'8" tall and 160 lbs ('fit,' not buffed). However, I do have a natural intensity and 'military bearing' that intimidates people, especially women -- so the necessary masculine presence is there, regardless of size. I'm actually the shortest man my wife ever dated seriously, but since she's only 5'0", we still have a nice height differential and her head snuggles neatly into my chest when we embrace. Ironically, my wife is the shortest woman that I ever seriously dated, since I'm most attracted to women close to my height -- equals, physically and mentally. My wife is, however, nicely curvaceous, and even when she gains weight, it tends to go to her curves -- all the better, from my perspective. So neither of us exactly fits the other's archetype, but we are still physically attracted to each other.

The bedroom, however, is where the problems occurred. From my wife's perspective I was never dominant enough (Nice Boys Don't, remember?), too egalitarian, too gentle and attentive to her. My lack of dominance and sexual ruthlessness turned her off. From my perspective, my wife's quiet, passive, submissive nature was completely the opposite from the enthusiasm and exuberance that I needed to become turned on. So I got the strong (but wrong) message that I wasn't able to turn her on, which I needed in order to turn me on. Mind you, it wasn't always terrible: when I would take charge enough and reveal enough of my own selfish passion for her, she would respond and show her enthusiasm for me, and we could have a good time. But our 'default' modes were each a turn-off to the other. The result: years of lukewarm sex and an eventually sex-starved marriage.

So how do you fix it?

You look for the areas of overlap, and introduce some behavior modifications. Nothing too drastic, because even after therapy, people tend to stay within arms reach of their natural sexual archetype. In other words, we would fail completely if we asked my wife to do a full 180 and go from being a sexual submissive to a dominatrix -- she wouldn't feel happy or fulfilled in that role. But there is some wiggle room here:

* My goal is to move from being a slightly-dominant switch, to being a fully dominant male, both in and out of the bedroom, taking advantage of my masculine nature and giving it more free rein. Nice Boys Do, after all...

* Her goal is to move from being a pure (quiet) submissive, to being a more moderate submissive, capable of displaying feminine enthusiasm and enjoyment in what we are doing. Nice Girls Do, after all...

Thus, we each work to become more like the other's sexual archetype, and meet in the overlap area between them. In our case, I feel like I have the most room for change, so I don't mind taking the biggest steps. But it takes time and practice. If, for example, I strongly dominate my wife in the bedroom and she reverts to quiet, passive mode, it's very easy for me to assume that I've made a wrong move, that she's not enjoying it (even though she actually might be). So we occasionally get our signals crossed, and call that particular encounter a bust. However, it is most enjoyable when it all works, and we're starting to have the best sex of our lives now.

Small steps, Ellie, small steps.

Bagheera