Looking for support from other WAS's

[lodo]

Hi Lost,

I know my W felt suffocated, to the point she was shaking like a leaf. And this happened after I'd steered clear of her all day. So I don't know where those feelings come from, but they're strong and hard to control.

That said, a month ago I was feeling overwhelmed with a work project and schoolwork and my sitch and all of a sudden I was just trembling and could think of nothing but just running and running and never stopping. I felt like screaming but couldn't even get that out. I didn't know where to turn.

That may be a bit extreme, but I wonder if that's how it is for you - you want to be a certain way, but these primal reactions well up inside you and overwhelm your rational capacities. If that is the case, it may just take time. Maybe it's a way we've pre-programmed ourselves to be and then suddenly that programming is totally unacceptable? But we can't just change it overnight - it's still there.

I don't know. Maybe I should just let you know that I hear your frustration and confusion. It's hard and there never is a clear answer, but you're a good person by exploring the issues before deciding on any one particular path.

lodo

[lost3031]

Bridgestone, I felt like I could have been reading my own post when I read yours! Yes, I guess a big part of me is scared that H will just change his behaviors (once again) on a temporary basis just to get me to come home. It's happened before (too many times to count) - the only difference is that this is the first time I actually left. Like you, I am completely comfortable if we keep things light, like hanging out together with our niece and nephews or going out to dinner or engaging in casual conversation. It's when he starts pressuring me to give him a definitive answer about our future, asking me to come home, give him a timeline of when things might be sorted out... that's when I go into near panic-attack mode. I don't want him to think that I'm avoiding the important issues - it's just that I'm not there yet. I've tried to tell him this, but he is so impatient!

His making an effort to find time for me is a good thing - the biggest reason I have gotten to this place is that he was never around during our marriage and I felt like I was in it alone. When I say "sudden presence," I am more or less referring to the fact that seemingly out of the blue (after 4 months of not wanting to see me) he is now wanting to see me 3-4 times per week. I guess it just seems a little overwhelming right now...

It's good to know that I'm not abnormal in feeling like this. Thanks for responding, Bridgestone!

[lost3031]

Lodo, I can relate to all of this. I have literally made myself sick (i.e. vomiting) with anxiety in the past. I had never really thought about things in the way that you phrased it: "You want to be a certain way, but these primal reactions well up inside you and overwhelm your rational capacities."

I think that's exactly how I feel. I think a part of me wants to be able to go back to the way things were - even if they weren't perfect, at least it was comfortable and safe. But then I think about how good I have felt on my own, making my own friends, paying my own rent - despite everything, there is such a sense of accomplishment for me to be able to make it on my own simply because I never have been on my own before. And then I feel guilty for feeling good about a life without H because I still love him...

I guess I wish that I could still be the person that he thought I was (the "perfect" wife) but in truth, I never was that person. I don't want to be put up on that pedestal anymore - I just want to be me. And when I'm around him, I feel like I can't be me because he doesn't know that me. It's kind of hard to explain, but I think you get the gist of it...

Thanks for your continued support, Lodo! This site is great!

[lodo]

Hi Lost,

I would say that my W could probably say the exact same thing. In fact, she did say this 9 years ago when we broke up under similar circumstances.

FWIW, at that time she told me that when she started doing something new that she was excited about, she felt she was being who she truly was rather than the person she was in our marriage. She said she didn't feel like I saw that part of her, but she also said that she didn't want to show me that part of her. She was scared to have me involved in that part of her life because she wanted it for herself. And yet without me involved, i'd never know the true her.

Well, 8 months later those feelings started fading. She said she wanted to pursue her career, but it was meaning less and less without someone to share it with. She had been in emotional confusion because she'd felt disconnected from me, but didn't realize that reconnecting could bring an end to that turmoil. She was so busy worrying about running that she couldn't understand how to repair anything. And yet once we finally started working on it, really working on it, everything calmed down.

So, don't know if that helps. Obviously each sitch is different. But I hear you saying almost verbatim the things she wrote to me during those months of upheaval.

lodo

[Bridgestone]

Hi Lost!
I'm going to add more than my 2 cents worth here if that's ok because I think you bring up some points that maybe between the two of us we can clarify for ourselves, each other, and maybe for some LBS who want to know what we're thinking.

Sorry to hi-jack your thread too much!

even if they weren't perfect, at least it was comfortable and safe. But then I think about how good I have felt on my own, making my own friends, paying my own rent - despite everything, there is such a sense of accomplishment for me to be able to make it on my own simply because I never have been on my own before. And then I feel guilty for feeling good about a life without H because I still love him...

What if you could work out a compromise with H that would let you have some of that indpendence (which ones mean the most to you?) and still be married?

Doing the math in your signature, you & H were HS sweethearts? He was older? Made you feel safe, & loved, and he was 'wise'?

I guess I wish that I could still be the person that he thought I was (the "perfect" wife) but in truth, I never was that person. I don't want to be put up on that pedestal anymore - I just want to be me.

Then why do you say you wish you could still be that person? Or do you just wish for the intimacies that person had with H?

And when I'm around him, I feel like I can't be me because he doesn't know that me. It's kind of hard to explain, but I think you get the gist of it...

I do, very much. I called her 'his illusion', she became martyr wife. Being a martyr is not healthy, for anyone! I was (am) scared to share my intimate feelings & thoughts with my H because he is not careful with them.

So I have handed him in the past what we now call 'balls of chit'. He doesn't know me because I didn't let him know me. I didn't let him know me because he was angry, inattentive, callous, brusque, with my feelings & my needs. I helped him build the illusion of martyr wife.

It is up to me to tear that illusion apart in front of his eyes & risk showing him the real me. It took me leaving to have the space, time, and safety to do that. It is getting easier to be 'me' in front of him now for longer and longer time periods. But that anxiety rears it's head when things get intense and yes, the physically ill, that I had for months before leaving, returns. That is becoming less & less (only once in the past month).

He can chose to love me for me or not. His choice, but I'm learning to love me for me. That is what has priority for me now.

Let me ask you a question... what if you showed your H who that new me (your 'me', not my 'me'!) is? And he fell in love with her too?

Glad to have a new friend on the boards. Keep posting, there are some here who have been there done that, others who watched it happen, everyone cares, regardless of LBS or WAS.

[alexjadams]

lost3031,

You really need to talk to HOPEFULinCALI & AnonymousJane73, before you pursue this D

1. You're husband is only 50% of the blame on what went wrong in your marriage

2. I know you feel really good right now to be on your own, but what are you going to do when you miss (and you will) your husband

3. Be aware if you do want to come back to him he doesn't have to take you (you must remember everything you are putting him through right now, just like the lack of.... that got you to this point he's will have a lack of.... moment & at some point you got fed up, therefore he will as well)

4. Please realize that this man is changing himself for you FOR YOU!! Please take some time & acknowledge that! And understand the significance of that NOW! Because again when you realize it will most likely be too late (you became frustrated about the situation, and wish to no longer wait & is now a WAW the tables will turn & you might become the LBS, talk to "HOPEFULinCALI")

5. Please no other men take this time for YOU because
a. Whatever issues you have that you haven't resolved within your self will appear in the new relationship like your marriage
b. Someone else can't fix you or make you happy, YOU! Have to do that!
c. And if there is a OM (which I believe there is), his shine wares off (trust me it will) that may be too much for your husband to recover from

6. True Love is "giving & expecting nothing in return" if you're not giving it there is no way it will be returned to you

7. Last, and please believe me you have or is about to quit on your marriage, believe me the next relationship you have that person will quit on you trust me (unless you do 5a)

I would hope you take my advice but you probably won't you may not be open to it at this time, but please try, because 1st marriages fail 50%, second marriages fail 65%, 3rd marriages are over 75 % your chance to have a successful one will be harder

Good luck

[lost3031]

When I first read your post, my defensive wall immediately came up, but after having some time to reflect upon what you said, I realize that you make some very good points. You're absolutely right that my husband is only 50% to blame for what went wrong in our marriage, and the truth is that I already miss my husband (I have since the day that I left), and I am very well aware that there is the possibility that he may not take me back the longer this drags out (he has basically told me so).

You're also right in that I should be giving him the credit he deserves for trying to change for me. I have to learn to control the anger that I feel (which probably really isn't anger at all, but some other undefined emotion which can go along with all the other undefined emotions I've had lately). This is something that I will work on, because I know for him it is a big step. Work is something that he loves to do and for him to be willing to cut down and spend some of that time and energy on me is a huge step for him. I guess maybe a lot of what I am feeling is fear, because he has done this before but it has only been a temporary fix. I'm afraid that, like all the times before, this is just a temporary fix to get me back - and then it will be back to the same old situation.

So, alexjadams, thanks for initially making me defensive by your post because it really made me think about some things in a different light. I will think seriously on the other points that you made as well...

[lost3031]

Bridgestone, the compromise option is something I will seriously think about. I think it is something that we could do eventually, although right now the trust issue will probably be a road block for us. Yes, we were high school sweethearts. H was the only boyfriend I ever had - I was a rather insecure teenager and there is a part of me that wonders to this day if I didn't cling to him so tightly because he was the only boy to pay any attention to me... But regardless, we grew up together these last 14 years - so much so that we are basically the same person. And yes, he has always taken care of me, or so to speak, so that I have never had to know what it was like to try to do for myself. And because of my insecurities, I basically molded myself into what I thought he wanted me to be. (Wish I had realized then what a mistake that was!)

When I say that I wish I could still be that person that he thought I was, I wish that for him... not for me. I wish that I could be all that he thought that I was. I like the way you titled that person "his illusion." That's the perfect title for that person! My husband always felt that we had the "perfect" marriage and relationship - all of our friends did too. But they never saw me at my down times, when I was lonely and feeling like I was in a marriage all by myself. That was my fault...

I am beginning to show the "real" me to my husband, albeit slowly. His reaction has been somewhat comical, and sometimes I have to laugh when he seems stumped by some newfound revelation about me, but overall he is being a good sport and taking things in stride. Will he still love me when he finally knows the "real" me? I think so. But will he like me as a person? That I'm not sure about, and that's what worries me...

We've been talking a lot about MC lately - it's costly but we decided that the cost is minute compared to the possibility of ending our marriage. Even though D has been initiated, our intention is to go into our pretrial and ask the judge for a temporary stay so that we can undergo MC.

Wish us luck!!!

[alexjadams]

lost3031,

1. Thank you for being open-minded

2. Let him know you miss him how he deals with that, is up to him you have no control

3. Remember this please
a. Work validates us as men
b. We do it mostly for our wives and family
c. We understand it takes time away from family & that does bother us
d. But we are so focus on where our career is going & what it can do for the family, that we don't stop & take time for the family {when I get this big account I'll take time then, but there will always be a big account = (}

4. You are afraid & he is as well, tell him that you are & acknowledged his fears as well! It will be a shame if 5 years from now you two realize fear stopped you from working on your marriage!

5. The only thing you can do is handle the situation differently than you were before (180's) He is going to do what he does (do the same ol' thing or like you try to change)

6. WAW's are so caught up in their own pain they don't see the LBS has their own pain (we are the reason why you left, we LBS beat ourselves to death on that one, you will never know how much) then you guys add to that pain

7. We are taught (w/ DB & DR) to let go of the pain or bottle it up until you return to us, to be your friend w/out any pressure & to let you guy find what you have been missing, but when you guys do return, we've had years of watching you sleep w/ whomever & whenever, go from hating to loving us & back in minutes, hurting all the ppl around you, all of this usually take years, then when you do come back, we're fed up (role reversal)

8. Last, I leave you with this, & this is something that WAS & LBS seem to forget....
On your wedding day he showed up, he told everyone that you two knew that he was giving up everything he knows to take a very uncertain journey with you and that no matter what happens he would always be there for you! (You did the same thing as well)

Correct me if I'm wrong but there wasn't a huge line of men behind him waiting to be your husband that day? He was the only one who had the balls to show up and follow through with it (he needs to remember this about you too!) After he did that, times got a little tough & your running?
Don't be mad if you get (God forbid!) a life treating illness & he takes off because the chance of losing you is too much & starts looking for your replacement (don't mean to be mean but, this is kind of what you're doing)

With all this being said I'm not putting the blame on you for your current state of your marriage, just trying to get a WAW to realize that this is bigger than them & the damage that this causes to the family as a whole, because the "this is all about me" attitude should have stopped the day you two said "I DO" & replaced with "all about us"

Remember he's at fault for this as well, & there are 3 of you, You, Him, & the marriage, all living things that need constant love & attention

[Bridgestone]

Hi lost,
I'm still here, still listening to whatever you want to share..

Find the way that works for you, find the way that helps you 'be' the lost you expect yourself to be, not what others expect you to be.

because in the end...
without a real 'you', there can not be a real 'us'.

Peace
BS