You are very welcome ~

I noticed too from your post that you say he comes off as needy and then you made it seem like his needs werent important just yours.

I was guilty of the same thing and then I tried too hard during our reconciliation...
but anyway....

1. Really listen to your H. If you dont someone else will*
2. Validate what he is saying even when he seems to be not making any sense..... the more you listen the more he will share..
3. DONT TAKE THINGS HE DOES PERSONALLY ........ My H told me once ~ "Dont ever blame me this is all your fault!"

OUCH!
He said some really crazy stuff.*( When we talk about it sometimes he doesnt even remember saying half the stuff/ other posters have said the same thing. SCARY!)
4. There will be times when you want to "knock" some sense into him .. OOPS~ Control yourself.
5. Take time just for him and make him feel special. Learn what fills him up and do it often. he needs to feel like what you are doing is genuine or it will back fire.
Above all stay in control and love him unconditionally. If you can do this your chance for success is greater.
Apparently there is some common thread to successful DBERS~
I couldnt find who posted it but I have read it somewhere.
A set of traits that lead that person to try harder.... A set of things they do for their spouse.


The book for sure w/o a DOUBT~ will help you tremendously.
I loved my h unconditionally * ( even when I wanted to "choke' HIM ), put him first *( even when he didnt deserve it.... not much Cake eating though... I set up boundaries,, thanks to other posters here who made me see that too much cake eating and he wouldnt ever want to change) and really tried to get to know him. *( that was the hardest part!)
For years we had put up walls and I needed to find out who he was and even more so who I was.


I had a few mottos.. and one was " Love me now when I deserve it the least"
Everyone told me to kick him to the curb.... I didnt and now my kids have 2 loving parents.
Our R was never this good before. It is nothing short of a miracle...


For you, also, I would say to work on you...
Quote:
I have moments in the day when I feel really fine, and then I have moments like now when I feel discarded and disposable, like there really isn't any value to me.



This is common... I used to feel like this and then I put my mind to feeling differently. I got to work and read a lot....

I read DR~ and also SSM and many other books. I could not afford a therapist ,but I was determined to make this R the best it could be.
I couldnt control what he was doing.... I dropped the rope... I let go and let God as much as humanly possible. I did a lot of lip biting and stopped nagging, whining and complaing about pretty much everything. I became strong.. really stronger than I have been on my whole life.
I can not control him but I could control me. I found me again.
I became this vibrant WOMAN again !

I got a life....
* ( this will be an are where you need to watch it... keep him guessing some but not too much, seeing as he needs alot of validation)
It was hard for me too but little by little I got there...
I do things now that I never would have done before!
This is why it is so important to keep a Journal.. be it here or at home on Paper or both.
I did both....... it helps you keep track of what works and what doesnt.. it helps you purge alot of negativity....
I always looked good.... the OW~ was 11 years younger than me... And I dint look good to compete with her really.
I looked good cause I should and cause now I allowed myself that time.

WE spend far toooooooooooooooo much time being MOM and Wife and we forget that we are WOMEN TOO!~
I am not saying dont be a good MOM ,be a fantastic MOM.
I am not saying dont be a good Wife , Be a Beautiful Wife.

What I am saying is BE -A -Woman. Underneath all the layers of pain and heartache and anything else _______.

Ingrid, you are a beautiful Woman who forgot who she is.
WE work so hard on the other roles we forget who we are.
It took me a long time to find my voice and to be the sexy, vibrant Woman I am today.

I was lost under trying to be the perfect Wife and the Perfect MOM!

Find you Ingrid~ be the beautiful Woman you are and it will all start to fall into place.
Take time to do things that recharge you and make you happy too.
This journey requires alot of will and patience.. if you lose you while working so hard you wont succeed. He needs you.... not some version of you. He is looking for you , the vibrant Woman he feel in love with.. give him that and more.


I asked my H ( I was scared as hell as to what he might say)
Why are you with her? and he said cause she makes me feel good about myself... I think your H would most likely answer the same.

Get a journal and really pay atteniton to what he says and what he does.. he will tell you alot about himself thru his behavior.



I have moments in the day when I feel really fine, and then I have moments like now when I feel discarded and disposable, like there really isn't any value to me.

This can change and will. Work on you and keep being strong.
This is by far one of the hardest things you will ever do.
It is easy to walk away and give up , remember how much you are WORTH b/c you have not given up and have not walked away.

All my best to you love.... You can do this.

What you focus on expands.... think positive and work on you.
God bless...
~Ali