I have moments in the day when I feel really fine, and then I have moments like now when I feel discarded and disposable, like there really isn't any value to me.
The last two times I've gone out to do errands, I've had a very positive response from the men out there. Yesterday, I mentioned it to my H when I came home, just like a funny thing that happened (I was in one of those big box home improvement stores where you usually can't find anyone to help you and several men, not all employees, asked me if I needed help). Can't tell if it made any impact on him at all.
The problem is, I don't really want anyone else. Sure, I look at other guys and think about what I'd like to do to them, but when it comes right down to it, it would feel so incredibly wrong to ML with anyone other than my H. For me, the wrongness would override the excitement/ego boost.
There's one side of me that is like 'whatever' to the entire world. I trust my judgement only and want to test things out for myself - this drives my H insane, by the way and is something I need to be aware of, that it's important to him that I seek and respect his opinion about things. I don't really need a lot of outside validation, not sure why, but I'm pretty confident about most things. H, on the other hand, seems to really need it a lot - it's likely the need that was mostly responsible for his affairs.
How can I meet this need of his without feeling like I'm faking it? Without losing respect for him? I do think it's a weakness, having to always check with other people to see if you're doing the 'right' thing. And that's probably not even really what he's doing, that a reaction I'm having to what my mother did while I was growing up, running stuff past me when I was a child. I can hardly control my resentment now when she wants something from me and on some level, I'm sure I was sending my H a message that he wasn't allowed to be needy, that the only person whose feelings mattered were mine. And he wasn't free to talk about his needs when he was growing up, so he's just been stuffing and stuffing all these years.
When I try to talk to him about this, to share my perspective on his behaviour, he resists, saying that it seems like he's justifying his actions. Not that we've had these conversations often, but the fact that my anger is largely missing right now (but probably not gone) was probably a big factor in his decision to spill it all.
Would we be in a different place now if I had remembered not to get drawn in, to resist a little? I guess the only way I'll know that is if he moves towards me again and I respond differently.
We're even back in that place where he is reluctant to kiss me goodbye in the morning. Perhaps he thinks that I'm all cheery because I think that sex two nights in a row means that he's decided to stay.
Right now, I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that he won't be able to decide so I have enough time to gently coax him towards me again.
Wow, very windy day here. Perhaps we'll get the thunderstorm that's been threatening for a while. Time to go out into the yard and so some work, while it's cool.
Getting stuff out and being able to think things through 'on paper' is really quite helpful. I've never had the patience to do this on actual paper, because I write much more slowly than the thoughts want to come. And you can't really edit as you go, which really helps me figure out what I'm trying to say.
Still would be great to have feedback from another person though. Or perhaps you're waiting for me to shut up before you start talking
Hi sweetie~ Sorry I couldnt post it has been a little craaaaaaaaay -z over here with my H business and all...
So anyway I skimmed your last posts and all is not lost but yes you must calm down... Take a deep breath and another and know you are going to be ok.
Re-read DR if need be and start a JOurnal~ When I have time in my thread I am going to post my thoughts from when I was seperated from my H and I thought only a Miracle would bring him back...... from my journal.
Example....
In 2 weeks my H will _______________________. In 2 weeks I will _______________. And if what you are doing takes you away from your goal stop it and change. Do a lot of 180s.... Look good even though you may feel like sh*t... Learn to bite your lip... When all is said and done it is all about them....
Espescially if he needs validation... There is a fine line ... you have to give love while being detached.... and you cannot look like you are just kissing his a**.... it wont feel real...
And it takes a month of hard work to repair every year that the Marriage was not good.
(For me it took almost 2 years to be honest.....)
Read DR and highlight what you need to do immediately. Take this very seriously and at the same time have fun with him. Never give up. Come here and vent often If what I am about to do will take me away from my goal...dont do it... Really take a good look at you and what you need to fine tune... Dont be a doormat and also do not be a Mad Woman... Leave anger out of this it will get you nowhere... Be the strength he needs now and be gentle with him too... Take care of you and always try to shine even when inside it seems like there is no hope. READ also Passionate Marrige and The five love langauges.... JOurnal here everyday and be honest about your struggle.
Do not "blame" him for x , y or z... roll up your sleeves and do your best to be the best you , you can possibly be and it will change I promise.....
I ~ cant promise he will stay but I do promise you will be a better Woman in the end whether he stays or he goes.... I am the strongest I have ever been... by looking at my self and changing , really changing.... I am the best Woman I can be now. Really and truly.
I used to think of my hubby like a wounded bird... his wing was broken and until it "healed" I had to give him TLC~
and see this is where it gets tricky... if you give toooooooooo much you look like a sap... if you give to little they think you dont care.. find what works.....
I hope you could get something out of this my thoughts for you are all over the place....
Also like someone wise here onve told me...
You can take all the time later of this doesnt work to contemplate they why it didnt work... but for now work on changing this ,focus on saving this Marriage.
She said it way beter than me..
I am going to try to look for it and post it on A BIT!
Also please look at my OLD THREADS...
I got EXCELLENT advice from other posters.... stellar in fact.
Take care and please keep in touch...! YOU~ can do this I have faith in you..... God bless, ~Ali
found you! I'm sorry you feel discarded by H sometimes...I understand that! I think Alimari has some great advice...I'm going to borrow it as well!
You have been through so much and you are still standing strong! I really admire you and what you are trying to do! Don't feel bad about your thoughts of other men...I think that is natural. Your actions are what matters and you can control your actions!
Just know you are always in my thoughts and prayers! (((((I)))))
We still need to figure out a shopping trip together sometime!
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
I noticed too from your post that you say he comes off as needy and then you made it seem like his needs werent important just yours.
I was guilty of the same thing and then I tried too hard during our reconciliation... but anyway....
1. Really listen to your H. If you dont someone else will* 2. Validate what he is saying even when he seems to be not making any sense..... the more you listen the more he will share.. 3. DONT TAKE THINGS HE DOES PERSONALLY ........ My H told me once ~ "Dont ever blame me this is all your fault!"
OUCH! He said some really crazy stuff.*( When we talk about it sometimes he doesnt even remember saying half the stuff/ other posters have said the same thing. SCARY!) 4. There will be times when you want to "knock" some sense into him .. OOPS~ Control yourself. 5. Take time just for him and make him feel special. Learn what fills him up and do it often. he needs to feel like what you are doing is genuine or it will back fire. Above all stay in control and love him unconditionally. If you can do this your chance for success is greater. Apparently there is some common thread to successful DBERS~ I couldnt find who posted it but I have read it somewhere. A set of traits that lead that person to try harder.... A set of things they do for their spouse.
The book for sure w/o a DOUBT~ will help you tremendously. I loved my h unconditionally * ( even when I wanted to "choke' HIM ), put him first *( even when he didnt deserve it.... not much Cake eating though... I set up boundaries,, thanks to other posters here who made me see that too much cake eating and he wouldnt ever want to change) and really tried to get to know him. *( that was the hardest part!) For years we had put up walls and I needed to find out who he was and even more so who I was.
I had a few mottos.. and one was " Love me now when I deserve it the least" Everyone told me to kick him to the curb.... I didnt and now my kids have 2 loving parents. Our R was never this good before. It is nothing short of a miracle...
For you, also, I would say to work on you...
Quote:
I have moments in the day when I feel really fine, and then I have moments like now when I feel discarded and disposable, like there really isn't any value to me.
This is common... I used to feel like this and then I put my mind to feeling differently. I got to work and read a lot....
I read DR~ and also SSM and many other books. I could not afford a therapist ,but I was determined to make this R the best it could be. I couldnt control what he was doing.... I dropped the rope... I let go and let God as much as humanly possible. I did a lot of lip biting and stopped nagging, whining and complaing about pretty much everything. I became strong.. really stronger than I have been on my whole life. I can not control him but I could control me. I found me again. I became this vibrant WOMAN again !
I got a life.... * ( this will be an are where you need to watch it... keep him guessing some but not too much, seeing as he needs alot of validation) It was hard for me too but little by little I got there... I do things now that I never would have done before! This is why it is so important to keep a Journal.. be it here or at home on Paper or both. I did both....... it helps you keep track of what works and what doesnt.. it helps you purge alot of negativity.... I always looked good.... the OW~ was 11 years younger than me... And I dint look good to compete with her really. I looked good cause I should and cause now I allowed myself that time.
WE spend far toooooooooooooooo much time being MOM and Wife and we forget that we are WOMEN TOO!~ I am not saying dont be a good MOM ,be a fantastic MOM. I am not saying dont be a good Wife , Be a Beautiful Wife.
What I am saying is BE -A -Woman. Underneath all the layers of pain and heartache and anything else _______.
Ingrid, you are a beautiful Woman who forgot who she is. WE work so hard on the other roles we forget who we are. It took me a long time to find my voice and to be the sexy, vibrant Woman I am today.
I was lost under trying to be the perfect Wife and the Perfect MOM!
Find you Ingrid~ be the beautiful Woman you are and it will all start to fall into place. Take time to do things that recharge you and make you happy too. This journey requires alot of will and patience.. if you lose you while working so hard you wont succeed. He needs you.... not some version of you. He is looking for you , the vibrant Woman he feel in love with.. give him that and more.
I asked my H ( I was scared as hell as to what he might say) Why are you with her? and he said cause she makes me feel good about myself... I think your H would most likely answer the same.
Get a journal and really pay atteniton to what he says and what he does.. he will tell you alot about himself thru his behavior.
I have moments in the day when I feel really fine, and then I have moments like now when I feel discarded and disposable, like there really isn't any value to me.
This can change and will. Work on you and keep being strong. This is by far one of the hardest things you will ever do. It is easy to walk away and give up , remember how much you are WORTH b/c you have not given up and have not walked away.
All my best to you love.... You can do this.
What you focus on expands.... think positive and work on you. God bless... ~Ali
Thanks so much, Ali. I do feel as though I am/have been doing quite well DBing (except for the last little while), which is why we even got to the point that we did. Then I blew it by throwing myself at him as soon as he moved towards me.
He left this morning without kissing me goodbye. I'm trying not to interpret, but it's hard.
just keep smiling, right?
My strength, which I am proud of, is apparently one of the issues in our relationship, makes him feel weak, 'lesser than' in comparison. He has strengths in other areas, such as getting along with all sorts of people - I'll have to remember to compliment him when opportunities arise.
When I look back, even though we've had good times over the years, it's clear that my H has pretty much always felt 'squished' in our M, and this only got worse after the children arrived. Since we've been married 17 years, that means I have another 8 months of real effort ahead of me before I can consider things 'even'. I'm trying very hard to keep acting loving (while not crossing the line into clingy) while trying to accept that this process may involve his moving out.
Today I will probably be working in between driving back and forth to the baseball field, where my S is in a tournament and my H is busy all day, either coaching or umpiring.
I was thinking of offering him a massage tonight, perhaps picking up a movie he can watch during. ?
Just phoned the kayaking place and got on the list for the next group. !!! I will also try to get down to the beach tomorrow, where they will have a bunch of kayaks available for people to try. Not that I'll know what I'm doing. Hmmm... perhaps lessons first.
So I offered the massage yesterday and ended up doing it quite late. I was tired, but once I started, it was really nice and I enjoyed it. He did too. No sex, but that wasn't my intention/expectation, given that he had just spent 12 hours in the hot sun on a ball field.
Prepared myself for the fact that he would be more withdrawn this morning, and he has been a little, but willing to spend time with chatting at home and sat with me quite a bit at the ball field, when I showed up to watch the second half of my S's game. I told him that I was happy to have him there, but that he didn't need to feel he had to stay. He said he didn't mind - be still my heart!
I've been friendly, but not to friendly, mostly responding when he speaks to me.
I'm going to take my D to the library now and afterwards ride my bike to the beach where the local kayak association has a bunch of boats for people to try out today. Beautiful, sunny day - can't wait.
