My two boys were 14 and 19 when their Mom left the house and eventually divorced me. My oldest had just moved out in July to live with his buddy at college, so he managed to avoid a good bit of the anxiety his Dad was going through. My poor youngest son lived with it everyday.
There were times that I scared him to death with the mess I was in. I tried to keep it away from him but I'm sad to say I didn't do a great job, especially those first 3-4 months post bomb.
As I began to calm myself emotionally, I still had a need to talk about what I was feeling and wondering. Unfortunately, I've never been a big one to confide in people other than my (then) wife, so it was hard to find someone. I didn't even let my parents know what was going on until over a month after she left. That meant that most of my talking was done to the boys. And that remains the one thing that I would definitely change if I could go back and do it over again.
It was toughest for my youngest I think, mostly because he saw the damage it was doing to me, and yet he was feeling his pain as well. The bomb occured in September - it was probably the middle of December before I was in a decent state. He told me later, in his own way, what a relief it was to him when I finally began acting normal again. I had no idea how much stress it was putting him under.
I suppose it was a little bit easier for my boys because their mother left and never came back. They were able to just deal with the fact that their parents were divorcing because Mom felt like she had to move on, and they could begin getting used to the new life that had been forced upon us.
In May of the following year, their Mother decided that she was moving 500 miles away to live with the guy that she had been smitten with when she was 16. They reconnected during a visit to her father post bomb, turned out he was 49 and never married, and he managed to convince her that he never married because he could never find someone better than the 16 year old girl that had a crush on him 25 years ago. Of course she had promised both boys that she would not leave until our youngest finished high school, so her decision to leave was a bit of a blow to S14.
I think both boys are doing pretty good with things now. I did take my youngest to see my counselor a couple times, but he convinced my counselor that he was doing ok. He was good living with Dad and realized that his Mom had issues that had nothing to do with him. In many ways he detached much more quickly and effectively than I did.
Once I got my act together, I pledged to never allow myself to drag the boys through this mess again. No talk with them about their Mom and how I felt about her and the sitch. I promised to just be their Dad, support them, and encourage them to come to me with anything, anytime. Our relationships have only grown stronger and tighter as a result.
My oldest has helped out with schedules and transportation for my youngest when I'm working and coaching. Both boys took part in my recent wedding and have bonded nicely with Deb's children. I'd like to think they're doing as well as can be expected given what they've been through. I do feel comfortable that both of them know that I'd go through hell for them if necessary, and that's most important to me.
I guess I share all this to draw attention to what FIB talked about. While there's little you can do for your wife right now, those boys are a different story. Trust me, they don't want to know all the details about the current problems, nor do they want to hear how much it is tearing you up inside. They just want to know that they have at least one parent who will guarantee that life as they knew it will change as little as possible. They want to know that they still have a protector and a fan who will never leave their side. That's your most important role right now, even on the days when this sitch really is tearing you up inside.
You can't talk down their Mom to them, because they will always want and need a relationship with her, even when they are angry with her. You also can't be caught rationalizing any bad behavior on her part, especially towards them, because they are too smart to buy that bull and then they begin to doubt you.
You have to simply let them know that
1) you love their mom and your wife and will do whatever you can to help her find her way back to your life together,
2) yes, she is doing things that are hurtful and seems insensitive to your needs, but she is hurting inside too and deserves our compassion,
3) and no matter what, they will always have both a Mom and Dad, and that their Dad will always make sure life continues as much as normal as possible.
It's a tough task sometimes. But again, it's your MOST important role right now.
Blessings,
bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
