We are on a Flat Spiral (?)

[DanceQueen]

NTE - where the hell are ya man? What's the update? You must be back from vacation by now?

DQ

[SillyOldBear]

NTE, you're breaking my heart, man. I don't know what I'm complaining about over in my whiny-ass threads. I'd like to know how your vacation went, too.

If you're determined to do your sex strike, and she's actually asking for sex (but the sex you described) I agree with the others for what it's worth. I would only add that you should be clear about your "headache." Don't make an excuse (like "I've got a headache.") Just politely say "I've decided not to have sex for awhile. Sorry." Your purpose is to shake her up and make her see that you won't fake it anymore, right? No sense in playing a guessing game, then.

[near the end]

Thanks for checking on me guys. Feeling a little discouraged.

Ok, here is the update. I intended to go through vacation with the headache. However, the minute we got up to the mountains, the wife started in on me. "Did you bring a raincoat?" No, didn't figure we would need them. "Well, go get some!" I was a little reluctant and drug my feet as we went through the same deal with the Christmas trip that resulted in no sex. However, we showered together 5-6 times resulting in standing quickies as well as a couple of longer sessions in the bedroom. The pattern was still roughly the same as before, no kissing etc, but I am sure this is a habit at this point.

So, all in all, not bad while on the trip. Then we get home. I suggest some nookie. She responds "this is what I was worried about. You would just not be satisfied with what you got." This one still puzzles me some. Did you not have an O(s)? Do you not like that? She doesn't get much from the standing quickies, but I am always the one suggesting we take more time in bed so she gets her share! Besides, shower sex for me is a nice release, but I would much rather take time together to try for that connection in bed.

Anyway, I had an emergency business trip and I am out of town this week.

NTE

[Bagheera]

NTE;

The key question for me is: was there actual love and affection (from her, to you) during all of this? Otherwise, you make it sound like your just a dildo that she takes on vacation with her, and then puts away again when she gets home.

What kind of connection did the two of you have during this trip?

-- B.

[near the end]

Bagheera,

For the most part, our relationship was pretty good. I had a really rough "vacation" as I had to spend 2-3 hours a day on the phone trying to prevent a disaster at work. Other than that we really did relax and have a good time together as a family.

In order for me to be a dildo, she would have to have a sex drive! Heck, I wish she did have one. It would actually make me feel better.

NTE

[Bagheera]

In order for me to be a dildo, she would have to have a sex drive!

Erm...this:

However, the minute we got up to the mountains, the wife started in on me. "Did you bring a raincoat?" No, didn't figure we would need them. "Well, go get some!"

sounds like a sex drive to me --> just one that comes out primarily when you're away from the house and on vacation (which is something you've mentioned before). A change of scenery often does work wonders for the libido, *particularly* for women, especially if there are a lot of negative feelings associated with the home front. The problem is, of course, that you can't stay on vacation (at least most of us can't). So you have to work on fostering a more relaxed, libido-friendly atmosphere at home, and in your bedroom, in particular.

Once you're finally back home, are you planning to sleep in the basement or back in the master bedroom? Are you going to 'go dark' as far as sex is concerned, or try to work with what she's willing to give you? And most importantly, what are you doing for YOU these days? Getting-A-Life and being good to yourself are going to be critical in your case.

Hang in there,

-- B.

[near the end]

Good question. I have been on travel since we got back, roughly. I am planning on staying in our bed at this point. To be honest, work related stress had just about overwhelmed everything else for me at this point. Which of course, makes the GAL that much more important.

NTE

[Delil@h]

Hi NTE~
Nice to see an update....

To me her comment about , "didnt you get enough..?"
Suggests she doesnt get it yet.... she still "thinks' IMO~ that you are just needing a release.......that you only want to have sex to get off.
The no kissing is a big sign of that too. IMO~
In her mind she kept her end of the bargain.. you came.
I used to think I was just a body part to my H too..

You are making progress. At any rate be happy for that. There used to be posters here whose Wives did not even make an effort.
And yes I know well maybe no effort is better than half.
LIke B~ asked... is she loving with you?

There is a big difference in I am trying and I love my hubby.
and,
well you know.
Hang in there NTE~
I was wondering where you were.
I forgot all about your trip.

This is really hard NTE~
it took me a long time to get it.

My H would even say ... how long do I have to wait?
And I felt like my wheels were just spinning and I was getting nowhere. I was frustrated with myself. I didnt get it. I had to read a lot of books and talk to my H a lot to finally get it.
Answer Bagheeras questions when you have time. I am also interested to know the answers.
We are all here to help and support you.

Take care and God bless..~Ali

[Bagheera]

To me her comment about , "didnt you get enough..?"
Suggests she doesnt get it yet.... she still "thinks' IMO~ that you are just needing a release.......that you only want to have sex to get off.

I agree completely here with Alimari. Your wife doesn't make love to you, NTE: she just has sex, and hurry-up-and-get-it-over-with sex at that. She's treating this like she's the master, and you're the dog begging for another treat. "Haven't you had enough already!?" IF she still loves you, then she's going to have to have a major awakening here in order for things to get better for you.

What if you stuck The SSM in her hand and said: "Read this, please. It explains very clearly the anger, frustration, and resentment that WE BOTH have been feeling for years, and gives us a plan for repairing our relationship." Or something like that. It's worth an honest try.

My guess is, NTE, that it will probably take more than that to shake your wife up and get her on board -- she's far to angry, resentful, and stubborn to want to make changes voluntarily. She believes that if you keep hanging around and putting up with the status quo, why should she change? (She doesn't realize how so, SO much better things could be for her too). You'll probably have to have suitcases in hand, and about to walk out the door, before she realizes that you really mean it and that she will need to fight for the marriage if she's going to keep it.

I hope I'm wrong about that. You know the woman best -- perhaps you can come up with some clever way of shaking her out of her coma.

-- B.

[Bagheera]

Reading the above, I noticed that I wasn't taking my own advice, was I? That is, that the only person you can change in your marriage is YOURSELF.

So let's not focus on her. What have you done to improve the situation with YOURSELF lately? Do you have a GAL plan? and if so, how's it going?

Have you picked up a copy of No More Mr. Nice Guy and read it yet? Having only recently gone through the book myself, you sound like you could almost be a 'poster boy' for the syndrome, NTE. I think you could learn a LOT from it, and make some significant improvements if you apply it.

Contrary to the rather poor choice for a title, it is NOT a book about How to be a Jackass. It's about awakening (and no longer apologizing for) your masculinity, finding your inner strength, improving your self-esteem and confidence, and *creating* the kind of life -- and relationships -- that you dream about.

So what are you doing for NTE, lately?

-- B.