Chris - I don't know what the thing is with these WAS's and big important days. They seem to pick holidays, birthdays, big parties, etc to drop these things on us. CRAZY!
Keep your chin up, call a L, get your ducks in a row and then let H dangle in the wind. He won't be feeling good about his decision for long, trust me.
Step back from him as much as possible right now and let him wonder what is going on with you. Why you aren't raging at him about this. When you do have to see him make sure you keep a mysterious grin on your face regardless of what he is saying. That will keep him wondering.
Sweetie, I understand completely how you feel. You feel damaged beyond repair by the person you trusted with your heart and soul for so many years. It feels like the world has crashed around you yet again and that is understandable. Pick yourself up and protect yourself from his insanity.
You will make it through this. You will most likely feel differently again in a few days. Let it ride itself out.
Don't do anything rash, just get an appointment with a L to talk about your options.
(((((((((Chris))))))))))
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Well, I just did the ANTI DB. Totally just lost it. Got off of here after he got the girls to bed and ended up with an hour sob fest. Yep, cheeseless tunnels I went. Sobbing, begging, crying, reminding him of all we have, apologizing.
I think I should become the Anti DB poster child after all this. They can keep my threads as examples of what NOT to do. Lord, I was just a picture tonight.
Yeah. I'll have to find a way to remain stoic from here on out, but I honestly can't imagine it. Then when he was leaving I walked him out, and there are a gazillion stars out tonight (we live in the country so they are so great out here). Anyway, so he went to shut a side gate the girls left open, and while he left I said a prayer out loud to God. I asked him to restore my marriage and to give me a "sign". I told him to "hit me upside the head" I was to stay this course because I was really losing hope. Yeah, you'll never believe what happened next. HUGE streaking shooting star. And H even saw it.
Me: "Whoa, did you see that?" Him: "Yeah, you definitely see more stars out here than in the city, I caught the tail end of that shooting star." Me: (insert gasping/laughing/crying) "Oh my God" Him: (totally confused). "what?" Me: "Do what you have to do. We are going to be fine" Him: (deep sigh indicating he thinks I've lost it)
And you know, maybe I have but it sure seemed like the slap upside the head I was asking God for. So I'm going to try to hold on to that.
So now I get to watch for sheriffs vehicles coming up the road. It's so weird that he told me tonight ,because we had one out today, and I got a total lump in my throat as I saw him come down the road. But it wasn't today. But now I guess I can count on a Sheriff next week. UGH. I feel like I'm going to throw up just thinking about it.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
Be strong sweetie! You'll make it through this and so will your kids.
H is a mess but don't let his mess overtake you. Step back, do what you need to do, do what you want to do. Don't worry about H and his self-made drama.
We're all here for you! When you feel like you are sinking and going "anti-DB" think of all of us standing around you supporting you. You have an amazing circle of friends here that will rally for you! Remember that in the weak moments. Just because we aren't physically there doesn't mean we aren't there in spirit.
((((((((((Chris))))))))))
TGIF!!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I saw this in the Wifey's reply to Neil and it makes so much sense....
"My h said something that resonated with me about how this is about him. With you upset and not eating, everyone is worried about you, I'm worried about you - its still all about you."
please take the focus off you- it hurts you...it doesnt mean you cant cry and scream, just not at him anymore...
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
Well, I'm not sure what is going on, but I'll know tomorrow.
H called tonight and told me he didn't file today. I thought he said he "filed" so I just calmly said.... "do they give you any indication of when they will serve me?" and he said. "I said I DIDN'T file today". To which I said.......... "Oh, ok. Well, thanks for letting me know, I guess I can breath a little easier at least for the weekend. To which he said he wanted to talk more. However, I had friends over for dinner tonight, and was in the middle of serving dinner when he called. So I told him I needed to go because I had guests over. He told me to have a nice night, and we'd talk later.
So I had the girls call him tonight at bedtime to say goodnight. I got on the phone with him, when they were done and asked him if he wanted me to call him later tonight, or talk another time. He said, how about tomorrow.
So I have no idea what is coming now. I mean really ,can it keep getting worse? I have a feeling he's going to attempt to have me file WITH him again. He really does not want to have me served because he knows how much it is going to devestate me, yet all along I have said I would not be listed as a co petioner, that he'd HAVE to file.
Well in the middle of my breakdown last night , I think in one of my blubbering sobs I said to bring the papers and I'd sign them. That I just wanted him to have love, and if it couldn't be with me, I'd let him go.
So I'm pretty sure I'm going to regret that and he's going to ask to have me file with him again.
I'd love to think something from last night got through, he had an epiphany, and is going to tell me he is willing to work on it, but since he has NEVER said that in 3 months since the bomb, I'm pretty sure that ain't happenin'.
Just so tired of bomb after bomb. Not looking forward to what is now out there tomorrow. It's almost like he is the nicest to me right before another bomb drops and he was very nice tonight. So my guard is up. God, I hate this.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
he said he isnt filing.. that is HUGE right now- something stopped him..you need to DB tomorrow when you talk to him or see him- i like that you told him you wanted him to be happy and let him go- that is really such a powerful statement- even if you were crying.
even if he files- which he may or may not do- it doesn't meant its over .....
im so happy you were busy and had people over...you are doing great!
what actions/180 do you think would help you deal with him tomorrow?
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
Help, anyone around? I know H plans to talk with me today about the lack of filing yesterday.
What do I do if he "takes me up on my offer" of wanting to bring by the papers for me to sign and file together, instead of being served. I feel like me holding out all this time, is the only reason he hadn't filed up until now. HE knows that will devestate me, and he's been avoiding it. I know he is at the point now though, that he WILL do it.
Should I save myself the agony and say."Ok, bring them by and I'll sign" or should I just go through the pain of being served and make him do that step? I really feel like THAT is the talk that is coming.
Help.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
