right now when she looks at the OM, hes exciting, hes forbidden, hes not sad, hes not making her feel guilty, hes not bringing up the past. Whe she looks at you, it makes her feel bad about herself, you are sad, not as much fun to be around as him.
You have to detach, tell her that you cant make it on tuesday if you arent going to be able to handle the appt. She will be pi$$ed, but whatever. You have got to figure out how to get a handle on your emotions, maybe talk to a doc about some meds, you will still feel your emotions, but it will help you control yourself. When you are able to detach you wont be consumed by this, and you might find that sometimes, just sometimes, you will be thinking of something besides your sitch.
It really seems like this is moving very quickly, if you arent ready to give up then tell her so. Tell her that you think that a marriage deserves more consideration than this, and you have been doing research (really do this) and you are worried about the impact this will have on your son. Bring the the material with you for her. This should be part of the considerations you make when you D and it involves kids. I told my H that I had to know that I had tried EVERYTHING to save us, I would never be able to close this chapter if I thought that maybe if I had just... I also told him that I wasnt comfortable ending our marriage while he was having an affair, obviously he isnt thinking clearly, and I dont think that he is in a place to be making life altering decisions while hes pursuing this affair. I was probably a little harsh there, but I was honest, and it made it clear that I was not ready to give up.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
it is moving quickly. she knows for sure 100% that i don't want to give up. she tells me to anyway. we are both concerned about the impact on our son, but he is young still and will suffer a lot less. we are committed to getting along for the sake of our son, and we will both spend an incredible amount of time with him and caring for him. I have asked repeatedly if there was anything i could do, and that i knew the end was near; she feels confident in her decision. of course, doesn't everyone feel confident when OM or OW is waiting in the wings ?
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
everyone around knows my firm position on wanting to make this work. its too bad she won't listen to her family who are telling her she's making a mistake. but we all make them huh ?
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
Have you gotten the books yet? If you want to fight for your marriage then listen to what you are told here, learn for yourself, read the books. Remember what hasnt worked and stop doing it. Stop panicking, get off the internet and start going back to the land of the living. You really need to chill out, and stop working yourself into a tizzy, you cant help anything by being like this.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Hey buster, bluerain is right. It sounds like you're panicking. There is no black and white here. There are no firm way things are done or not done. Nothing is set in stone.
Recapture your life and brighten your outlook. Whether your M works or not, you have your life. Does your W define who you are? NO! So what is something you love to do?
Buster, I dont believe that its ever too late for two people who can truly forgive and love each other. Ive known people who have re-M after D. And if you look around on these boards you will find people who are working their hearts out putting thier M's back together.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
ok, Buster, I have been gone for a few days and it looks like you are taking a nosedive here.
1. You are not going to inspire her sulking and being miserable. She wants maturity, you have to show that HERE too, you need to practice that. It isn't just an ACT you put on, its a mindset you must allow to inhabit you.
2. She still loves you, if you can upset her, she loves you. Her love is buried DEEP DOWN and buried under a mountain of anger and dissappointment.
When OM showed up, he offered her what appeared to be a better life than what you were offering, She left betrayed, cheated, and unappreciated. Her reaction was to accept his offer.
Her love for you is buried under feelings of betrayal, being cheated, and unappreciated. This manifests itself in ANGER towards you.
Its not you, the OM just paints a rosy picture of himself and your marriage was vulnerable to his offer. YOU have to create a ROSIER picture than HE does.
Its not that hard.
1. Leaving is painful for her, you have an edge there. Its something she WOULD avoid if she CAN. Give her a reason to avoid leaving.
2. You have a child together. BIG influence to get her to stay.
3. You are married and you have invested years in each other.
4. Her community dissaproves of her divorcing you.
If YOU paint a ROSIER picture of a life with YOU...AND you all those four above. She will stay.
You CANT create a rosy picture of you if you spend all your time pestering HER.
You need to start working out, you need to start volunteering. YOu need to educate yourself. You need to practice good partner behaviour until it becomes SECOND nature. Not just a fake smile and an act.
You have a lot of edge over this guy, but right now YOU are not attracting her, the other four points are, but it wasn't enough to get her to avoid him...YOu have to be number 5 on that list. Get yourself prepped up for number five.
Screw facebook, she's just trying to convince herself she has to leave. SHe idnd't do that fo ryou, she's doing that to force convince herself. Likley becuase of all the pressure she has on her to stay.
She is going to dig her heels in if you pressure her. The facebook was a heel dug in that's all.
Right now she's a caged animal. She needs SPACE or you will just find you less appealing.
Pick up "Relationship Rescue" by Phil McGraw. He has the same program as michele davis, but his is more specific about how t obuild up yourself ot be more attractive.
Its the same advice as Michele Davis, you should see the pattern as you read those books.
Keep up the good work. Dodge the mediation if you can. She's hurrying becuase the OM is pressuring her to hurry AND she' is scared. She knows if she doesn't hurry she may change her mind.
A few more points to help motivate you.
1. To the community the OM looks like a predator. EXPOSE her AFFAIR to as many people as you can. She likley calls it a relationshp rather than affair. USE the word AFFAIR when talking to others, and use the word infidelity.
2. This guy is nervous. He knows you are puttin gup a fight and he is going to pressure her. LET HIM. If YOU stay calm and helpful and HE panics YOU look good and HE looks like an ASS. Out mature the bastard.
3. he violated your home, he is likley in the doghouse with her parents. I can't imagine h'es feeling all that confident right now. H'es likley panicking too. He's the OM, her parents do'nt like him, and you are trying to save your marriage rather htan tossing your wife out. He's looking like an ass right now. Just hang in there.
After a while he's going to start really getting tense and your wife will start to see the other side. YOU have to keep looking GOOD until he breaks down and KEEP looking good. Don't harass her. Just be mature.
Ask her parents to tell her they don't approve and that they will be supporting you. If her parents can tell yoru W they won't allow the OM into their home ... ever...that will add more pressure to her.
its ok if THEY do it, just not you. It's one thing for her to abandon you, but if everyone supports you and fights her she' isn't going to toss everyone away just for one guy.
excellent words everyone. today was the first day in a LONG time where I got out of the house, went to a rustic cookout (beans in a pan on an open fire, hot dogs roasted on a twig) and didn't honestly care what she was doing. I had a DAMN good time. I haven't laughed that hard in 2 months. a few points. Her parents drill her all the time that they don't approve of what's going on. I doubt he'll be allowed in their home anytime soon. She is also pi$$ed that her 2 best friends are also taking my side (can't help that). I have made sure the entire town knows what she did, and people are coming up to her at work and mentioning it. She knows the heat is on. But today I realized how I can have fun without her. Did cut my hair and shaved today. she actually said my hair looked nice. I haven't heard a compliment out of her in months. But earlier today she said if i was planning on causing problems with mediation she was just going to file for D instead. but it hit me like a sack of potatoes that life goes on with her. W does not equal life.
2. Your relationship with your wife is over when YOU say it is over ----MarkF
Did cut my hair and shaved today. she actually said my hair looked nice. I haven't heard a compliment out of her in months. But earlier today she said if i was planning on causing problems with mediation she was just going to file for D instead. but it hit me like a sack of potatoes that life goes on with her. W does not equal life.