I have been 'laying low' for the past two weeks, no communication, nothing what so ever with my H. I pretty much believe that it's over. I deserve a man who treats me with respect, love and admiration. I still love my H, and am open to discussion, but there has been NOTHING that shows me any thread of remorse, hope, or willingness to even try.
However, I knew that he would be contacting me regarding switching vehicles for his planned camping trip next week. He emailed me today regarding this.
The question I have is this...
My H wants to exchange cars tomorrow evening... it won't work for me anyway, but he also adds that he would like both of the cars while I'm away visiting my family. My dilemma with this is that this will leave me:
A- without a car when I get back, and judging from his past behavior, I have a feeling that I won't get any vehicle back when I return.
B- I'll have no leverage, since all my belongs are still in the house. By law, he can not technically keep me from the house, but I do not wish to have a hostile situation arise, so I have been patiently waiting until it is more feasible for me to get my things.
His reasoning for having both cars is that he's not comfortable having one of them here, while no one is home. My idea (which he does not know) is that I was going to take my parents car to the airport (SUV, will fit all of us and luggage when we get back) and park my car in the garage. I worry that while I'm away, he would come and just take the car anyway, but if it's in the garage, he can't.
What would be the best way to handle this situation? I need help verbiage with a sensitive passive-aggressive, arrogant man...
Hi Jane, I'd go with your 2nd option, but tell him, just as he is protecting his interests by keeping you out of the house, you are also protecting your interests (the car) by making other arrangements.
I'd also include that you'd like to be able to discuss this with him face-to-face or with a neutral 3rd party but as you said in your post, you do not want a hostile situation to arise. And that you are patiently waiting until he is in a better emotional position to discuss it.
His behaviour of not letting you into the house to get your things, putting what you asked for in bags by the curb, etc has lead you to believe that if he got the car you would not get it back. BTW.. are both cars in both yours & his, names or are they registered only in yours or only in his? this is just my opinion... I am not a lawyer, nor do I play one on TV
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
"that doesn't work for me & my plans". End of conversation.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
The outcome is bitter sweet at best. I am sooo confused. I expected him to respond saying the car will be parked out in front of the house, blah blah blah... and never physically see him... however...
He responded that me putting the car in the garage while I was okay was fine. (Blow away by that, I expected him to 'fight' for 'his baby'.) And then he did something else, he actually MET ME PHYSICALLY 'halfway' between the house and my parents. I was nervous, my stomach was so upset, I couldn't really eat much of my dinner before hand. My father didn't come home when I expected, and I needed to borrow money to fill the tank up, which was the 'agreement'. But, I called my ex, he actually answered the phone and spoke to me. We agreed that half a tank was fine, because the car had that too. So, we called it even.
I drove to the parking lot where we were to meet, and sat for 10 minutes, breathing. I was shaking so bad. I was nervous, I was excited, I just didn't know what to expect or think or what.
He finally drove up beside me, got out of the car and immediately, had this Mr. Tough Guy attitude plastered all over him. He looked good. I was a babbling idiot, I chatter when I'm nervous, but it wasn't about US or anything, just that I had bottles in the truck for SS and didn't get to vacuum out the car, blah blah blah...
He handed me the keys to the car, and I handed him the keys to the truck. We stood there, he couldn't make eye contact with me. He was fighting from smiling, chewing gum with his front teeth. He was visibly shaken up, in that I'm Mr. Tough Guy, you don't affect me, attitude. I could tell in his face and eyes that he's hurting, but the more I'm standing there, the more upset he was getting, because he's replaying that stupid anger loop.
I did a stupid thing, I just had this urge and in an instant, I just reached out and hugged him, told him I was sorry. He put his hand on my back, and almost hugged me back, but he stopped himself. He did put one hand on my back and started to rub it, but then stopped himself. We just sat there for what seemed like forever- only a few secs. He pulled away, and I pulled away, I just kept my head down, and kept myself together so I won't cry, and shook my head. Of course, he got instantly mad, but for a brief moment, he relaxed into it. I know deep down, he loves me, and he's hurting, but he's anger has consumed him.
Sadly though, I know my marriage is over. He's too stubborn to let go of his own selfish pride. The thing that bothers me most is that I remember how much I loved hugging him, it felt good to me, but it just made it worse for me now. I don't know what came over me to do that. I won't have done that before. Just something told me too.
I would have much rather he just parked the car in front of the house, because now I am a snobbery crying mess all over again.
I can't help but feel like I did something horribly wrong. I know now that I really do love him... it's not just a "oh, I don't want to be alone- I'm so scared feeling", but I just feel like I totally just blew it.
He put on such a front... but I think in the end, I just pissed him off. I feel totally stupid for it.
I can understand your pain, but I think it is always easier to see the bad in everything first. Honestly Jane I would have done the same thing with my W and maybe I would have felt bad too, but also I would hope that they missed that touch/feeling and would think about what they are missing too.
Interestingly enough, I received an email from H after he got home... So, the dialog has begun.... for just how long it will continue, I don't know. But at least, I have given him something to think about while on his camping trip... He'll have a lot of time to reflect with having no distractions around him. This is good, yes?
Interestingly enough, I received an email from H after he got home... So, the dialog has begun.... for just how long it will continue, I don't know. But at least, I have given him something to think about while on his camping trip... He'll have a lot of time to reflect with having no distractions around him. This is good, yes?
This is excellent...this is what you have been waiting for....dialog is good!!!!
You didn't do anything stupid, you did great, you acted from the heart and you got a positive result. You can see in him the hurt, that means he isn't liking this either. What was the e-mail?
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
--------- I wasn't really sure how to take your words. You said you were sorry and you didn't want to make it difficult. I just wanted some clarification. Did that mean, I'm sorry for embarrassing, disgracing and betraying you? If so, maybe there is some far hope of salvaging something. Or did it mean, I'm sorry for putting a knife in your back and I'm trying to feel better about it? If that's the case you take your smiles, hugs and apologies and shove them. Either way I just wanted to know how to translate it. ----------
I wrote back with an apology from the heart again... way too long. But basically, re-apologized again and tried to validate his feelings. I mean, I totally mean what I said.
The next response I got from him, he totally dumped on me... no accountability for anything for himself. And as I re-read it, I just think, man... I can not win, no matter if this is 'salvageable' or not. He completely blames me for everything, and sadly, is not willing to accept my perspective, my feelings, etc. I 'had' a MySpace account, (I just deleted it.) I used it as my journal. I did not know he was reading it. Seems fitting though. I was venting all my frustrations, my feelings, my perspective, how I saw things... and he totally thinks I 'manipulated the truth' to my friends. Like I betrayed him some evil villain. Well, IT'S HOW I FELT! The same damn feelings he has now, is the same damn feelings I have, but he doesn't, will not, accept or listen to my 'version'. Sigh...
I just feel absolutely sorry for him. He really dumped on me in his last response. I haven't responded back. I think I'll just thank him for being open and honest, and leave it at that. Maybe I should just not respond? I don't know.
When I re-read his letter, I just think, maybe I should just walk away from all of this. He clearly thinks it's all my fault. I would post it, but it's long and there were a lot of personal attacks in it. I feel like I'm suppose to cut my heart out and put it on a platter. I just think, man, is this really worth all of this? How much more pain is a person suppose to endure?
