Helping OW??

[fooled again]

I think if you continue to show kindness and don't bring up any R discussion for however long it takes. Things are going to keep getting better for you.

Well the touch & go is now touch again. The last time we spoke (Tues) he was cold & sarcastic. Tonight I had to call to find out what time we were swapping cars for my w/end camping trip. He was upbeat & friendly - so was I. We talked about his work & his games. When I mentioned what time he was coming over, he paused like he had forgotten completely. Then he regained himself & said he could be over shortly. He did ask once more who I was going camping with. Maybe he did completely forget - the fog must envelope them so that they can only focus on the task at hand & the rest fades away. This explains a lot.

When he arrived he asked what my plan was - he's always sort of been the one in charge, the one with the answers, the expert. I was going to take the camper up to the campground after work - that was my plan. He started picking that apart: it's a beautiful w/end; what if there are no campsites? Then it will be a waste of my time as I will have to come back. Unless I were to drive up there tonight. I said I didn't want to sit around in the city all w/end, I wanted to get away (D is still far away w/ her grandparents), so I would take my chances.

Then H suggested that he drive the camper up to the campground for me in the morning (it's very close), leave it there and all I would have to do is drive up after work. I hesitated. He said it wouldn't take long for him & he didn't mind at all. So I said okay, if he didn't mind I would really appreciate that. Then H said that he was thinking he would come up on Sat after his game. That is unless I wanted to be alone...

I guess you know what I said...I said I didn't necessarily want to be alone, but I wanted to get out of the city this w/end. He was welcome to join me if he liked. Then he asked if I wanted to take the dog for a walk before his game, so again I said okay, that would be nice.

Our walk was nice, upbeat, pleasant. We talked about little inconsequential things - no R talk at all. I did throw in a few references to friends, going to the gym (its a very hip/cool gym w/ lots of professionals as members), things I was doing & planning to do (some of them w/ other people). When he left, he gave me a long, sweet kiss & held me tight. I smiled & said he tasted minty

I don't feel bad or frustrated or anxious anymore. Of course not - I got my "fix". But then here I am thinking, if he wants to come home, the path back must be easy to find, not covered over and blocked off. OW will not be putting up roadblocks to keep him from her. I keep thinking of BFM & how she gave MFW a safe place to come to, a place where he was loved & accepted & wanted.

I've been thinking quite a bit about it & I believe I have come up with a game plan. I will continue to do my thing, make plans on my own & w/ friends. When H calls or we talk or see each other, if he asks I will mention what I'm doing but I will be vague. If he asks for details I will tell him more, but only if he asks. I will ask him about his day, what he's been doing, but in a nonchalant, friendly way. I will leave it to H to ask me if he can join me, or if I want to go out w/ him or do something together. Most of the time I will say yes, unless I have other plans. I will go back to acting like a friend. As for ML, I'm going to have to play that one by ear. It has always been an incredible connection for us.

H told me he doesn't know what he wants. Clearly he is not done w/ us. He said he wants his coming home to feel like his choice (this was about two weeks ago). Perhaps he was going to come home but he freaked when I started putting the pressure on & that's why he called OW. There is no way to know for sure. Maybe if H feels safe again w/ me he will start to open up, he will spend more time w/ me & less w/ OW. I do know that OW can't take that H is w/ me, so she will be calling, snooping, spying, accusing, driving by the house & his apt., etc., etc. But what OW does is not my concern now - it's only what I am doing.

This is how I can detach, by living my life and letting H be as much a part of it as he wants to be, by walking my path and letting H walk beside me if he wants to. H (or OW) will not determine what I do anymore - I will take the wheel of my life again.

Now, I should print this off for the next time I'm feeling discouraged...

FA