5 yr DBer, "Joint" D now in progress

[RSmiles]

On another note, I've been trying hard to detach and just think of the logistics, but sometimes it's just too much and emotions take me over. H is not an emotional person- and has been acting like a military sargent for the last few months pretty much. In early May, is when he snapped and wanted this D. Starting that night he slept on the sofa and has every night since. Now he's complaining about when he can have his bed back (when I'm gone). He's very happy about this D- thinks he's liberated and doesn't understand why didn't I leave him 4 years ago during our previous S when I tried so hard to piece back our M together. Ever since the word D came out of his mouth H made his 30 second decision that he wants this D 150% and has never backed down. He feels relieved and at peace with the whole thing. In fact, he claims he feels no pain about me leaving at all (which I think is a lie- but H is so macho, he'd never admit) There is possible OW- but I only have proof that it's an online EA at this point. I think he just doesn't want to be 'tied down' anymore and wants the freedom to get together w. OW at his band shows if he wants to. This is the same thing he said during our last S 4 years ago. He wants his freedom. At that time he even asked me if we could have an non-manogomous relationship and I said NO WAY! None of this is that easy for me- I feel sad, then doubtful, then angry, then lost- then all over again. I know I deserve better than this- but I also know it's going to take me some time to transition and heal myself after this R. I think the next few months, I'm going to need the most strength and support b/c I'm starting over in a new city, looking for a new job, trying to get settled on my own so I won't have to live w. my parents for too long (another stress in itself in some ways). I just visited my family last month for 10 days, and had a preview of what it will be like living there. I was already feeling the loss of my own home, my jobs, my independence...but I must know this is only a transition. I can't fall apart, right?! I haven't spent more than 2 weeks living w. my parents in over 15 years- so there will definitely be some adjusting for me.....