Sex-Starved Husband. Will Work For Sex.

[Bagheera]

Four points of warning for ya, mate:

First: go slowly and gradually into uncharted territory, and keep the sexual frequency down to a slow pace initially. I know you've been chomping at the bit for years...I was too...but moving too fast may cause the entire train to derail.

Second: in dealing with a sexual submissive, DO NOT expect her to be able to spell out what she does and does not want you to do to her, what she will and won't allow, and especially what she fantasize about. She may get very uncomfortable, very fast, and balk at nearly everything you suggest.

I know from the man's perspective, it makes perfect sense to discuss all this openly and directly ahead of time. It would make life a lot easier. But from her perspective, she's dealing with the Nice Girl's Don't syndrome, and perhaps in a big way. If, during sex, you make her do something, if you make her submit to your control, then it's alright, and she can truly enjoy it. But if you ask her to talk about it openly before hand, all the red flags go up in her mind: I shouldn't be thinking about this, I shouldn't be talking about this, and I certainly shouldn't be wanting it to happen to me!

Sometimes, the best you might get are hints -- like that giggle you got at the mention of spanking. She didn't shriek, object, or look aghast. I would personally let it go at that: as something to try when the time seems right.

At other times you might get an indirect answer and a 'look.' Since you brought up fellatio, I'll share an example there. My wife and I both love fellatio, and with the right mood build-up it can be pretty 'rough and raunchy' these days. I'll never understand the female 'rush' that goes along with this, but I don't let her puke and we have a great time.

Back in my 'gentleman in bed' days, however, I was pretty timid about fellatio. I considered it as her gift to me, I never directed, I never touched her head, and I never came in her mouth -- this last goes to an experience where she tried to swallow in the first year of our marriage once, and that once was enough. Over the last several months of our improving relationship, it became apparent that she wanted more from the experience, and wanted me to take more control: nothing was ever said verbally, just body motions and actions. During a 'sex talk' one afternoon, I asked about swallowing, and in response I got this eye-rolling look and all she could say was "I don't know...you'll just have to try it." So I did, and we haven't looked back (although I usually want to save my orgasm for other things on most nights).

The point is, her indirect answer was typical of the sexual sub: an implied --> "YOU take control, use me for your pleasure, and I'll probably love it." Implied, but not spelled out. I know that this detective game will probably frustrate you, but you'll get used to it, and even find it endearing, in a mysterious, feminine sort of way.

Third: Because of the her (probable) tendency to NOT want to talk about these things directly, make sure you set up your safe-word system for your own protection. Make sure she knows that at any time things approach a boundary for her, you'll honor it and stop the action if she uses the word.

Four: Using the marvels of the Internet, be sure to thoroughly research anything new you're thinking about trying, especially for the first time. You're the one in control and directing the action, so go into everything knowledgeably. And if things go awry and don't work (which they will sometimes), both of you need to have a sense of humor and be able to laugh at yourselves, or at the very least, be forgiving of goofs or inadvertent hurts.

Have fun and play.

-- B.