Helping OW??

[fooled again]

Thanks for the prayers, Cat. I'm not very religious, but sortof spiritual, if you will, though I was raised Catholic. Lately I find myself praying, which seems strange to me. I pray for strength & patience, I pray for H to wake up, I pray for OW to get fed up, usually all in one go.

I don't know what is going on w/ H & OW, but I suspect that there is alot of crying and hand wrenching going on. I suspect that there is alot of guilt and frustration. I want to be the polar opposite of that - I want to be the happy, beautiful, sexy, secure, fun person. I want to be the place where H feels relaxed & safe. I want to give H what OW gave him in the beginning of their A. I want to be so fabulous that H will look at OW & wonder what he ever saw in her.

I'm still praying...

FA

[HeartScared]

Bworl,

That was such a wonderful post. I agree with it you were able to put into words how I have been feeling and trying to do in my own sitch.

FA,

My hubby is a young one for this crisis but all the characteristics and things match. God moved the "mountain" away from my marriage over a year ago, but he still has not come completely home yet. I guess you can say he never fully left though either. He is still dealing with all these emotions and things in his head. My hubby has a place he rents he comes over here on a regular basis even though I am not working during the summer. He is still here about 6 days out of the week. He is definately getting better but I can tell that something still weighs heavy on him and it is such a slow process. But when its slow they heal much better than a forced rush.

My husband's crisis, where I could see it, started on Oct 2006. He just was not himself and began to withdrawal really bad. Then by March I guess he tried to use something other than alcohol although the alcohol consumption also increased significantly. The alcohol was probably the catalyst for the other nonsense now that I think about it. I prayed and prayed and prayed and about four months later God removed that interference. I did get a chance to talk to her once. She had nothing good to say about my hubby and he didnt have anything nice to say about her either. So God sent her away. But my hubby was still not yet himself. He told me once his head was spinning out of control and he felt like he was about to explode. Every now and then he would talk to me about his feelings. I learned to let him be.

No R talk, no questions, I did have an occasional backslide. I am here for him when he needs me. I try to be nice and loving to him at all times. He stopped spewing at me. Instead he would spew at his friends. I assumed it stopped completely but then I found out it only stopped with me. We did have a moment a few months ago, but it was the first time in seven months. So no pressure helped us to be able to interact much much better. It has also kept the door shut on anymore intereference.

But you see even though there is no one in the way. Its not even about another person. Its about their crisis and what they need to go through to heal. My husband is healing. I see more of him
as the weeks go by. He does have his cycles though. But even in cycling he stays close to me and the kids. I have my cycles too but then God reveals something to me that its ok and that He is working on bringing my hubby back home.

[fooled again]

HeartScared,

If only there was no OW, I would be able to handle the rest, I know it. My H has been through so much in his life, and most of it he neatly packed away into a little box, far too small for the enormity of it all. I should have seen it coming, but I was pretty wrapped up in being a mom and my own insecurities. I'm not sure when OW came along, but I'm pretty sure it was b/f the PA started in Jan/06.

I know it's not about another person, but to me infidelity is a tough one to manage. And in saying that, I was guilty of an infraction of my own very early in our R (I was 20). It was stupid, meaningless but it hurts H even today. No wonder he doesn't believe I could ever forgive him for his A.

H was cycling closer & closer to me, then I found out about OW yet again. I gave the ultimatum, he tried (sortof) but I tried to rush it. Now we have taken many steps backwards.

But somehow I still believe that he will want to come back one day. The question is, can I detach and live my life so that there is someone to come back to? If I don't detach, I know our M is doomed for I will self-destruct. If I do detach, there is a risk I will detach too much, and then I will walk away. This is a very tricky balancing act - I should join Cirque de Soleil!

FA

[HeartScared]

Oh yes I know exactly what you mean. My hubby likes to supress supress supress things till they erupt. He even told me in the begining of all of this that he was going to surpress his feeling for me. I am not sure why he said that but it was a few sentences after " I love you" "I dont want a D but I need a break." I told him that supressing it was not a good idea because look at where he was at that moment. He was just quiet.
This is still before anyone else was around.

My hubby had a very very hard life and I think that is why this came early for him. I noticed a lot of the people who have this crisis had a very rough upbringing. I only know a fraction of what happepned and its so hard to think about. I dont think that when he shared with me I was as compassionate as I should have been, I know better now though. I had a great childhood. My hubby calls me a Cosby kid. I wish I could replace what he went through with something better. But I can't all I can do is keep praying for him.

One thing he will admit is that I am the only person who has ever spoiled him. I have always tried to get him whatever it was he wanted. I know now though it was not the material things he cherished, it was the thought that I did that for him that he cherished.

I think if you continue to show kindess and dont bring up any R discussion for however long it takes. Things are going to keep getting better for you. Its been a year and my H still has not had a R convo with me. He did tell his brother though that he loves me in Feb. So I am just going to keep praying that God gives him the strength to tell me and talk to me.

[fooled again]

I think if you continue to show kindness and don't bring up any R discussion for however long it takes. Things are going to keep getting better for you.

Well the touch & go is now touch again. The last time we spoke (Tues) he was cold & sarcastic. Tonight I had to call to find out what time we were swapping cars for my w/end camping trip. He was upbeat & friendly - so was I. We talked about his work & his games. When I mentioned what time he was coming over, he paused like he had forgotten completely. Then he regained himself & said he could be over shortly. He did ask once more who I was going camping with. Maybe he did completely forget - the fog must envelope them so that they can only focus on the task at hand & the rest fades away. This explains a lot.

When he arrived he asked what my plan was - he's always sort of been the one in charge, the one with the answers, the expert. I was going to take the camper up to the campground after work - that was my plan. He started picking that apart: it's a beautiful w/end; what if there are no campsites? Then it will be a waste of my time as I will have to come back. Unless I were to drive up there tonight. I said I didn't want to sit around in the city all w/end, I wanted to get away (D is still far away w/ her grandparents), so I would take my chances.

Then H suggested that he drive the camper up to the campground for me in the morning (it's very close), leave it there and all I would have to do is drive up after work. I hesitated. He said it wouldn't take long for him & he didn't mind at all. So I said okay, if he didn't mind I would really appreciate that. Then H said that he was thinking he would come up on Sat after his game. That is unless I wanted to be alone...

I guess you know what I said...I said I didn't necessarily want to be alone, but I wanted to get out of the city this w/end. He was welcome to join me if he liked. Then he asked if I wanted to take the dog for a walk before his game, so again I said okay, that would be nice.

Our walk was nice, upbeat, pleasant. We talked about little inconsequential things - no R talk at all. I did throw in a few references to friends, going to the gym (its a very hip/cool gym w/ lots of professionals as members), things I was doing & planning to do (some of them w/ other people). When he left, he gave me a long, sweet kiss & held me tight. I smiled & said he tasted minty

I don't feel bad or frustrated or anxious anymore. Of course not - I got my "fix". But then here I am thinking, if he wants to come home, the path back must be easy to find, not covered over and blocked off. OW will not be putting up roadblocks to keep him from her. I keep thinking of BFM & how she gave MFW a safe place to come to, a place where he was loved & accepted & wanted.

I've been thinking quite a bit about it & I believe I have come up with a game plan. I will continue to do my thing, make plans on my own & w/ friends. When H calls or we talk or see each other, if he asks I will mention what I'm doing but I will be vague. If he asks for details I will tell him more, but only if he asks. I will ask him about his day, what he's been doing, but in a nonchalant, friendly way. I will leave it to H to ask me if he can join me, or if I want to go out w/ him or do something together. Most of the time I will say yes, unless I have other plans. I will go back to acting like a friend. As for ML, I'm going to have to play that one by ear. It has always been an incredible connection for us.

H told me he doesn't know what he wants. Clearly he is not done w/ us. He said he wants his coming home to feel like his choice (this was about two weeks ago). Perhaps he was going to come home but he freaked when I started putting the pressure on & that's why he called OW. There is no way to know for sure. Maybe if H feels safe again w/ me he will start to open up, he will spend more time w/ me & less w/ OW. I do know that OW can't take that H is w/ me, so she will be calling, snooping, spying, accusing, driving by the house & his apt., etc., etc. But what OW does is not my concern now - it's only what I am doing.

This is how I can detach, by living my life and letting H be as much a part of it as he wants to be, by walking my path and letting H walk beside me if he wants to. H (or OW) will not determine what I do anymore - I will take the wheel of my life again.

Now, I should print this off for the next time I'm feeling discouraged...

FA

[saffie]

Can someone who has my email email me the name of that other site. I googled as suggested and came up with something that I think isn't the correct thing. Please?

[favoriteweirdo]

FA - Stay the course if it feels right for you and keep listening to BFM. She is incredible. Your post sounds like some of her advice has hit home... Saffie - FortySixty... It has been a life-saver for me.

FW

[Jeanette1120]

Sent it Saffie!!

[fooled again]

FW,

Thank you for stopping by my thread. I agree, BFM is incredible. You are a very lucky man and she a very lucky woman.

When I get discouraged or when my negative self talk starts convincing me that I should give up and move on, I remember BFM's old posts, what she was feeling (I could have written some of them word for word), what you were telling her. It gives me hope, strength and power over my own mind to reread her posts and remember what she had written. There is so much we LBS's don't understand about MLC and the temptation to walk away is so very, very strong when you don't understand something.

I only wish my H would feel safe enough to talk to me about his feelings for OW. But I think that may be my job, to "allow" him to feel safe, to create that environment. After all, we practically grew up together & I have been w/ H through some of his darkest times. He was always able to talk to me in the past.

I was thinking about the "walls & windows" in Shirley Glass' book. My goal is to try to break down some walls & create more windows b/w H & I so that he can talk to me about ANYTHING & still feel safe. I know there are walls b/w H & OW now - talking to OW allowed me to see that & that gives me hope. And there are already some walls around H & I - I know this too from talking to OW. When (I won't say "if") H starts talking to me about his feelings & about OW, I believe that more windows b/w H & I will start to form and the walls b/w H & OW will become higher and thicker.

FA

[cat03]

I want to be so fabulous that H will look at OW & wonder what he ever saw in her.

You already are, you are going to give yourself a hernia trying so hard to outshine the ow that you'll loose yourself. Up to this day I'm still picking up my self-esteem, comparing myself to other women and ow, what I have/dont' have. Whatever changes you want to make do them first and foremost for you.

If only there was no OW, I would be able to handle the rest, I know it. My H has been through so much in his life, and most of it he neatly packed away into a little box

No you can't, the sooner you understand this the better. I too thought "I" could handle it, the problem is him and not you, we've all been through so much. You can't save him from himself, you can't "fix" him, the ow isnt' the problem, it is his unwillingness to commit, he needs help alright, but from a C, only he can solve his problems.

H was cycling closer & closer to me, then I found out about OW yet again. I gave the ultimatum, he tried (sortof) but I tried to rush it. Now we have taken many steps backwards.

No he wasnt', all along--before you found out--he was deceiving you and lying to your face, had you not found out he'd prob would've dragged the sitch on and on, not strong enough to break it with either of you. You are blaming yourself for standing your ground and for his weakness, don't! dont' you see? he was putting up a front. I know, really, trust me, how badly you wanted to believe all the stuff he told you about working it out with you and the stuff you guys did together, because I've BTDT. It is guilt as well that makes him lie to you, to spare your feelings.

Don't take responsibility for hisactions.