H has been having some issues at work the last couple of days, and I find myself giving him all kinds of DB advice - "act as if", "will this get you closer to your goals" etc. Amazing how applicable all this stuff is, and what a useful toolbox it is to have!
Also wanted to share a "piecing" tool my H and I use. Whenever stuff comes up about our old dysfunctional patterns with each other, we refer to things our "ex" spouse (meaning ourselves before the bomb) used to do. This frees us to talk about some things we don't like without implying that we don't think our spouse has changed - i.e. "hey, my ex-husband used to tell me to go work out on Saturday morning but then when I got home he'd be really pissed because he would have spent the morning cleaning - you're not like that, right?"
I really like your "EX" idea...I might steal it and use it myself. It sounds like a great way to deflect any "blame game" stuff while making a valid point or asking for some important feedback on an issue you might have or a 'fear' that pops up.
Great Idea on the "EX" thing. I am new to the piecing forum and am looking for good ideas on piecing myself.
You are right about using the DBing suff in other areas - I am reading one of Michele's other books "Change your life and everyone in it" which deals with that point exactly. ODGA
Nothing more to add to this except I can't wait to use that phrase "My Ex..........". That would be the greatest stress reliever I can think of right now, without pointing fingers.
You wanna hear an ironic story? My W used to joke with people at dinner parties and introduce me as her first H, maybe she was right? I have changed and I am sooo much different than her first H. LOL
Berto
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
Well, I find myself giving H more DB advice about dealing with the people at work - Validate, Will this get you closer to your goals?, etc. - what great tools!
Life is good here. I'm looking forward to meeting all the Boston area DBers for lunch next month while I'm in town for a business trip with my H. Soupman might even show up! (I'm sure I won't recognize him because in my mind I always picture him looking like Buddha ) I haven't mentioned it to my H yet, guess I better soon.
Well. the sun's shining here - we're having a real Indian summer day - so I'm going to go make the best of it.
Hey! Sounds like things are going wonderfully for you. I love it! What an inspiration...climbing a mountain! And actually, you climbed 2....one the actual mountain and 2 the mountain of problems that were in front of you when you started out on your journey to heal your marriage! Congratulations!
Talking some more last night with my H about this conflict he's having at work. Have been sharing DB techniques with him to deal with it, and he was doing well until yesterday. Then he confided in a friend who acted like the typical friend who tells you not to forgive your spouse (because they don't want to see you hurt)- friend was all riled up, how dare they treat him this way, etc. - got H all riled up. So later, when he ran into one of the offending individuals, he couldn't resist making a dig at her. Realizes it was totally counterproductive, but he was just so emotional and feels so betrayed by these people.
I told him about the problem of "digs" in piecing (see my discussion with Grislen on his thread). Then I said - "imagine that sense of betrayal you feel right now, magnify it 1,000 times, and then imagine being calm and rational DBing through it - I deserve a high five, don't I?" It came out in a very positive way, not a dig - but I do think it helped my H imagine a little more of what I went through.
Fire update - I'm still okay. Kids are all out of school today because of the fires. It's dark from the smoke, like a really cloudy day, and we have to keep all the windows closed. One edge of the fire is about 3 miles from my mom's house, but I can't believe it would sweep through that flat, pretty treeless suburban neightborhood - still, may have to be prepared to evacuate her.
I have changed and I am sooo much different than her first H. LOL
) I haven't mentioned it to my H yet, guess I better soon.