ok....i want everyones pics.....seriously....I want to put a face to the words....
what is the other site....
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
I agree with BFM completely. And she's a pretty good model for you to look at as to how to do it effectively.
Far too many people see detachment as something equivalent to ignoring and not thinking about their mate. It's nothing like that.
I really believe that you have to start with telling yourself that this is truly not about you. Your husbands words and actions, while in this strange state, are not about you, are not necessarily even provoked by you. It's just where he is at and what he is going through. I think it's safe to say that he is every bit as confused as you are.
The alcoholic comparison works pretty well I think, if you consider a really bad alcoholic who is in the throes of the addiction. The drinking is not caused by another person. It's an addicition born out of intense unhappiness and confusion inside.
If you can divorce his actions/words from anything that you've done, I think you will find it easier to move toward true detachment. That is, you might find it easier to realize that his waffling, his distance, his offenses, are not directed towards you per se, but symptomatic of his current state.
True detachment also makes it possible for you to find a measure of compassion for him. And while I'm not a big one on feeling sorry for the MLC'er and all the hurt they cause, finding some compassion does make it possible to deal with him in unconditional love. And THAT I think is a very important part of your dealings with him.
Look, one of the DB principles is to find what works. You laid down an ultimatum, took a bit of a tough stand, and I was all for that. I think it's a perfectly valid approach. But did it get the results you were looking for? It doesn't seem so. So it's back to the drawing board.
To me that means detachment and loving him unconditionally when you have a chance to interact.
I would leave him be, let him initiate contact. Use this time to get yourself together. It's time to begin planning for life without him, as painful as that might be. Try to find the positives to being able to make your own decisions and plans, and then tackle them, embracing the new possibilities.
You're not closing the door on him, or at least you don't have to. What you are doing is making a life for yourself, one that you can find joy and peace in. Yes, there will be sadness in thinking about losing what you had, but remind yourself that the end of the story is not yet written. In the meantime, you want to present yourself to him one day as a strong, confident, and happy woman who is comfortable with who she is and what she can and has accomplished.
It's not an ending. Nothing is over unless you want it to be. You're simply taking another approach. One that will keep you in good shape and yet do everything possible to keep a future open and available between the two of you.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I want everyone's pic too! I'm also on FB with my full first name (same last name as here) in case anyone's on there in addition to the one's I have already.
Maybe I do need to read up on Al Anon. My H does also exhibit addictive behavior but I'm not certain if this is simply self-medication. Clearly addiction is something that has been a problem in two of his sibling's lives.
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No, he can't decide, but you can't decide for him and nothing you can do or say will push him toward a decision. Nothing she can do or say will push him toward a decision either.
I guess that's the crux of it, realizing that this person who was such an important part of my life is now completely out of my realm of influence. I suppose I did try to control H for a long time, and unbeknownst to me, H has been pulling away for years, trying to get away from it. I wonder if by letting go I can show him that I don't want to control him, I want to share my life w/ him. I just hope and pray that OW WILL try to control him, try to fix him, try to get him to stop his habit. I mentioned to her that her money is likely a draw, but now I wonder if she could come to use it to control H, make him do what she wants. I know, I know, stop wasting my energy wondering about OW and H and all of it. It is like my own addiction...
I was filling in a relationship fitness questionnaire and I realized that I feel as though I don't know him anymore. Our lives do not overlap much now, except wrt our D & household things, and the times we spend together.
When I first indicated that I was interested in learning to golf, H was intrigued, then later offered to help teach me. This was the first overlap in our "interests" in a long time. I worry that I have pushed him away so that I don't even have that. But I am hoping that this could be a starting point for some connection that is not sexual or related to D or the house.
I look forward to your list of books and I will continue to read your old posts.
FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
I mentioned to her that her money is likely a draw, but now I wonder if she could come to use it to control H, make him do what she wants.
"The only person whose actions you can control are your own."
That goes for OW as well. She can't control him. She can't MAKE him do something he doesn't want to do. Neither can you. Your H is a grown man with his own free will. He will make his own decisions and act on his own depsite her money or your lack of it.
Have enough respect for him as a person to realize that he is an adult that cannot be controlled. By anyone. Then start treating him with that respect. It will get you far in the long run.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
"When one door closes, another opens. But we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us." - Helen Keller
Like the MLCer, I too go through my own cycling. Do I want to stand? Yes/No. Is it worth it? Yes/No. Can I wait this out? Of course/I'm going crazy. Is H ever going to stop lying to me? H is not that kind of person/Maybe he has lied to me his whole life. Is H ever going to come out of this? I guess that answer is yes, but how much damage will he have caused...
Some days I'm good, great in fact. Other days, not so much. Some of my cycling is hourly. It occupies so much of my head space that I get little done at work or at home.
I know that the only way to survive this is by knowing that this is NOT about me. I know H will come out of it eventually. I know that OW is just a "drug". I know these things b/c I have read them over and over. It's living them that's the hard part. Making the heart listen to the head...
Thank you Bill, I appreciate your thoughts.
FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
I read your post too quickly, then went back and reread it (I do that alot).
Quote:
Look, one of the DB principles is to find what works. You laid down an ultimatum, took a bit of a tough stand, and I was all for that. I think it's a perfectly valid approach. But did it get the results you were looking for? It doesn't seem so. So it's back to the drawing board.
It may be a bit premature to say it didn't work. My ultimatum was about him deciding what he wanted, then if he decided to come home, what I expected from him. The consequences I laid out would be as a result of choosing OW. He told me he had decided but he really was just reacting to the fear of losing me. I see that now since he wasn't ready to do the work of rebuilding trust. He still hasn't decided and I see that forcing him to decide won't work.
Quote:
I would leave him be, let him initiate contact. Use this time to get yourself together. It's time to begin planning for life without him, as painful as that might be. Try to find the positives to being able to make your own decisions and plans, and then tackle them, embracing the new possibilities.
I suppose I simply will have to let him go to make his choice.
If you love something, set it free... Painful? I guess we only know how painful that really is.
FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
as I read your posts, I remember how I found out (through stbx/ow) how he was guilted into staying with ow, how she said he ruined her life, she couldn't trust anyone else and stbx took it upon himself to "fix" her, to try to help her (lord, a blind leading the blind), how responsible he felt for having her done wrong. He knew she could mess with his head, we could make sense and he could actually seemed like he was out of her reach, but the next day BAM! he'd see her/talk to her and it was all over, he was deep down in guilt-ville again, falling hook line and sinker for her waterworks and sob stories. But in the end it was his choice, no one can force you to do anything, it's true, he made the poor choices, that's why we should'n't give the ow's so much power.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
