Separated 3 Months & Counting...

[iamlost]

I'm starting a new thread here, cause I don't feel like a newcomer anymore. Unfortunately. But fortunately, I'm with good people here.

My first thread is here, with my sitch info:

Recently Separated

Like the title says, my H and I have been separated for 3 months, half of that time he has been out of town visiting his family with little contact. I feel that this has been a huge setback for me DBing, except that it has allowed me time to detach.

It's been 3 very long months of soul-searching for me, and I think I'm in an OK place right now. My H, by contrast, is not in a good place, seemed depressed from my last conversation with him a couple weeks ago which did not go well. He said all the usual fog stuff, with some new ones thrown in there for good measure--"we're not compatable". Coming from my best friend--hurtful news to me! Guilt, jealously, suspicion, anger all reared their ugly heads from him, which was my own fear reflected back at me. It made me sad.

He gets back into town in a little less than a week, and so I will have a chance to actually see him and take stock better of where we are. More detached, I think I am in a better place to do that than I was before he left. I feel better about myself than I have in a long time.

I'm rediscovering me, as painful as the process has been, that's a good thing.

[JWS]

Well again sorry you had to stay around long enough to move over to this side, but you are with good people who care a lot about you, and understand all the crappy feelings that go along with this.

So what were the high lights of your vacation??

[JCJ]

Hey iamlost,

How has your first week back been? Not too depressing I hope!

Julia

[iamlost]

So...I've gone out a couple times this week, last night spent the night at my girlfriend's place cause we were out late, hanging out at her friend's place with her boyfriend and two other guys (all her friends). Problem is I had a really confusing moment. I am so starved for affection that I had an almost irresistable urge to snuggle up to one of the guys on the couch next to me! Of course, I didn't. I wasn't even attracted to him, but I could kind of tell he was attracted to me. Basically, I just really, really wanted to be held, and I liked that he liked me.

So, what happens when I AM attracted to a guy? Will I just plop myself down on his lap? LOL, but seriously folks, I can feel that I am entering dangerous territory here...I keep thinking about my H's hands and arms, I saw a billboard picture of a man's hands and almost had a convulsion of longing.

HELP!!!

[JCJ]

Lost,

I know EXACTLY how you feel. If you look back to my thread you'll see I had the same thing a few weeks ago. I did let an old friend hug me, who I knew was attracted to me, and boy was it nice to just be hugged and held and feel appreciated. And also to feel as if I was attractive again! The thing is that all the time I was thinking that, while it was nice, he was not my h and I just really wanted it to be my h hugging me. I also knew that I was vulnerable so it wasn't really right. That is why I don't think that you will just plop yourself into whoever the lucky man's is lap, or if you do you will know what is right.

It did lift my spirits though as we humans are not meant to be so starved of affection, and we aren't nuns!! But it is really dangerous territory. I'm so glad that I wanted my h afterall...

Be careful, it has the potential to get complicated and make you feel worse. It is a quick fix solution.

[iamlost]

It's very dangerous territory, but I think/hope I'm strong enough to resist it. I am a very affectionate person, and love affection. I hug everybody. I'm just afraid of being vulnerable to that need for safety and comfort of being held, not just hugged, by a man. It was fleeting, but it was an irrational, desperate feeling, kind of like how I imagine my H felt about his LDEA.

[determined]I refuse to make the same sad, hurtful mistakes my H has. [/determined]

[JWS]

The feeling is the same from the male prospective as well, and I understand totally what you mean. Just think of this, in a moment of weakness you do something. The way karma works it will be that week that your H is ready to work on things. I am not saying that any one would fault you for it but I know you would. You have made it through all this crap and you would not want to go through all this pain and have it not workout because of something you did. I am not so concerned with how your H would feel I am concerned with how you would feel or me in the same situation.

What you are doing by hanging in on your marriage is extremely honorable and probably above and beyond what a lot of people would do. (Thus the 50% D rate in this country) just make sure that if you get to the point that you are done continue to take the high road and D before stooping to the level of many spouses. That way you can live your life proudly with no regrets. I don't think it will come to that because you are stronger than you know, and you have a lot more fight left in you. Believe me there is probably not a person on the board that does not want to be held, even if it’s just to fill the void.

[iamlost]

Thanks guys for your understanding & advice. It definitely is weakness that I feel, ever since I've been back, I feel anger, sadness and loneliness coming over me in waves. Plus, all the frustration of no contact. I promised him that I wouldn't call him while he was away (to show him that I "got" that he needed space) and I'm sticking to it, but I am definitely counting the hours until he returns next week.

I have never really been alone in my life. This is the longest that I haven't been "in" a relationship in my adult life. I keep thinking about this quote from Eat, Pray, Love:

"When I get lonely these days I think: So BE lonely. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience. But never again use another person’s body or emotions as a scratching post for your unfulfilled yearnings."

[JWS]

I think that is an amazing quote. I too have never been alone and I know that that fear of being alone lead to some of the behaviors that she did not like in me. When God hands you lemons all you can do is make lemonade and the same is true here. All we can do is embrace being alone for a while and learn from it.

I think that is great that you have stuck to being dark for this long. I know in the long run it will strengthen you and he will have appreciated it. I want to caution you to something that caught me completely off guard. The idea of space and time that they need is based on their definition not yours. When I got a dialogue with her again she told me that she just needed space. I thought “are you kidding me I just gave you 6 weeks of space, no contact, no clinglyness, nothing but what you asked for.” I tell you this because what you have been doing is awesome, but he may not acknowledge it or even see it. He will say he needs space right up until he doesn’t, so don’t let that throw you off track when he comes back next week.

When he gets back is when you are going to have to work extra hard. I am not trying to be discouraging but rather empower you with the knowledge that I stumbled to obtain.

Enough of that stuff. How was your week back at work and your weekend? Are you back into some of the GALS that you were doing before you left? Written any songs lately? How about running? I have slacked on that one my self with this heat wave that’s just nuts.

[JCJ]

Hiya

Have you thought about what may happen when he comes back. Are there certain things that are going to come up, or that you are going to have to have a conversation about at all?

You are doing really well!!
J xx