I have moments in the day when I feel really fine, and then I have moments like now when I feel discarded and disposable, like there really isn't any value to me.
The last two times I've gone out to do errands, I've had a very positive response from the men out there. Yesterday, I mentioned it to my H when I came home, just like a funny thing that happened (I was in one of those big box home improvement stores where you usually can't find anyone to help you and several men, not all employees, asked me if I needed help). Can't tell if it made any impact on him at all.
The problem is, I don't really want anyone else. Sure, I look at other guys and think about what I'd like to do to them, but when it comes right down to it, it would feel so incredibly wrong to ML with anyone other than my H. For me, the wrongness would override the excitement/ego boost.
There's one side of me that is like 'whatever' to the entire world. I trust my judgement only and want to test things out for myself - this drives my H insane, by the way and is something I need to be aware of, that it's important to him that I seek and respect his opinion about things. I don't really need a lot of outside validation, not sure why, but I'm pretty confident about most things. H, on the other hand, seems to really need it a lot - it's likely the need that was mostly responsible for his affairs.
How can I meet this need of his without feeling like I'm faking it? Without losing respect for him? I do think it's a weakness, having to always check with other people to see if you're doing the 'right' thing. And that's probably not even really what he's doing, that a reaction I'm having to what my mother did while I was growing up, running stuff past me when I was a child. I can hardly control my resentment now when she wants something from me and on some level, I'm sure I was sending my H a message that he wasn't allowed to be needy, that the only person whose feelings mattered were mine. And he wasn't free to talk about his needs when he was growing up, so he's just been stuffing and stuffing all these years.
When I try to talk to him about this, to share my perspective on his behaviour, he resists, saying that it seems like he's justifying his actions. Not that we've had these conversations often, but the fact that my anger is largely missing right now (but probably not gone) was probably a big factor in his decision to spill it all.
Would we be in a different place now if I had remembered not to get drawn in, to resist a little? I guess the only way I'll know that is if he moves towards me again and I respond differently.
We're even back in that place where he is reluctant to kiss me goodbye in the morning. Perhaps he thinks that I'm all cheery because I think that sex two nights in a row means that he's decided to stay.
Right now, I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that he won't be able to decide so I have enough time to gently coax him towards me again.
Wow, very windy day here. Perhaps we'll get the thunderstorm that's been threatening for a while. Time to go out into the yard and so some work, while it's cool.
Getting stuff out and being able to think things through 'on paper' is really quite helpful. I've never had the patience to do this on actual paper, because I write much more slowly than the thoughts want to come. And you can't really edit as you go, which really helps me figure out what I'm trying to say.
Still would be great to have feedback from another person though. Or perhaps you're waiting for me to shut up before you start talking
