DQ's Sex Blog

[Bagheera]

Another bit of advice for the guys: affirmation, affirmation, affirmation.

If you have an LD wife, begin a relentless campaign of telling her, writing her, and showing her just how beautiful and sexy she is TO YOU. To hell with the rest of world, all that matters in your bedroom is you and her, and she is your goddess above all others.

My wife has battled weight problems most of our married life. It has given her a terrible body image and affected her sex drive (not the only factor, but a contributing factor). When we were young (back in my military days), I would criticize her for not doing more about it: big mistake; big, BIG mistake. Not only was I being a jerk and making it seem like my love and attraction for her was conditional, but her contrary nature meant that I would get the opposite effect from what I wanted. When we were a little older, and I wasn't such the young, angry man, I would still bring it up occasionally and try to be encouraging -- the 'bad cop' approach hadn't worked, so I tried the 'good cop' approach. That didn't work for either her weight or our sex life, either. The truth is, she didn't need ANY cop to tell her about her weight: she was her own worst critic. Just when she got down to something she was starting to be happy with, along would come another pregnancy and the whole multi-year battle would begin anew. But it's her battle, not mine: my support of her efforts is alright, but I have a more important mission now.

When I began my effort so repair our marriage last year, I made the conscious decision to do all I could to make her feel sexy and attractive again. The fact is that now that I'm middle aged, I can look at my wife and see far beyond the surface -- I see the girl I married (she was 19), I see the mother of my children, I see the woman who stood by me when others would have left me, and I see the mature wife that I have today -- so I can be perfectly honest in telling her that she is, indeed, the most attractive and sexy woman on this Earth to me, and I want no other. So I've grown and matured. Also, she NEEDS that voice telling her that she's still sexy and attractive, because she gets barraged by the opposite message in the media (and her books) every day, and as I said, she is her own worst critic. My job is to add the counterpoint to all of that.

So if your wife is battling weight or other body image issues, don't add to the voices (her own being the loudest) saying she's unattractive and not sexy for it -- you're shooting yourself in the foot, especially in the bedroom. Be the one voice whispering in her ear about how much she turns you on, and how you're going to do something naughty to prove it to her later. It may take MONTHS of non-stop effort, but she will start to believe you....and respond.

-- B.