Baggy - I read your response on your thread too. Yeah the DD aspect just kinda cracks me up. Although, I have found so much comfort and excitement about things that I never thought would have excited me before...so I have to just throw my hands up when I read about the DD stuff and say "hey, it works for them, and I have no doubt that they are both truly benefitting from it". But for me, its just kinda like, PTHHHHHHH chyuh, RIGHT.
However, I do have one "discipline" story that happened between my man and I and this is one that most other people would probably cringe at and think we are both seriously nuts...but its ok, maybe we are nuts, so I will share anyway: hee hee!
Quick background, he is very possessive. This is not something I had experienced in previous relationships but somehow I found it very warm and loving to feel so possessed. (See my original thread for more on that and "why" it affects me in a positive way versus a negative way).
I am not "allowed" per se to dress in a seductive way in public. However, one summer day we were going out shopping and I put on a short skirt and tall shoes (not stillettos, just tall sandals). He looked at me before we were leaving and told me I was too damn sexy for my own good and he shouldn't allow me out of the house like that, but just this one time, ok.
We went out and did our shopping, and I ended up making a huge mistake. I was bending over to check out some clothes that were on a lower rack, and I didn't realize it but there was a guy sitting in a chair behind me who was getting a full show up my skirt (or pretty far up). While I was still bent over, my man comes up to me from the front, very agitated and agressive. He had been in a different department, but had returned just then. He grabbed me by the arm and stood me up. I had no clue what was going on (nothing like this ever happens). He very sternly said directly (but quietly) in my face "you can't bend over like that and give everyone a show in a short skirt" while still holding my arm very tightly.
I peeked over my shoulder behind me and saw the man sitting there and realized, oh god, now I am in trouble.
Immediately, like a child, I began stuttering out an apology and saying I didn't realize he was there. At first my man just let go of my arm and turned away from me. I followed him and got in front of him and apologized again. He softened, and realized I was telling the truth - I really hadn't known someone was there. So he said "ok, its ok, I know you didn't know he was there", but then he grabbed my arm again and got directly in my face again and quietly said "but we'll have to discuss your slutty ways more later".
Hee hee! This is my clue that I'm going to get roughed up later at night to pay for my extreme slutty sins (such a crack up, as I am the opposite of slutty).
And I did certainly learn my lesson that night. :0)
Now, the people in that store that day probably literally thought I was being abused by a guy twice my size and that I was powerless to do anything about it. We joke all the time that someone is going to call the police on him one day.
All I can say is that it made me feel very cherished, possessed and loved by him, no matter how strange that looks from the outside.
One more note, I cannot and do not ever deliberately act in a way that will cause my man to feel possessive. I don't flirt with anyone, make eyes, show too much skin. I even let him deal with all waiters, service people, delivery people, mechanics, etc, so that I won't even be talking with another guy if I can avoid it. If I were to deliberatly be trying to make him jealous or deliberatly catching the eyes or showing skin, he wouldn't react like my story above. Instead he would be very discusted and it certainly wouldn't be "fun" anymore. I have to be 100% faithful and respectful to him in order for him to feel free enough to play around with his feelings of possessivness. One moment of him feeling like I made any deliberate attempt at flirting and the whole dynamic would change.
Quick background, he is very possessive. This is not something I had experienced in previous relationships but somehow I found it very warm and loving to feel so possessed.
We should probably point out that the only way, the ONLY way that this type of male-female dynamic works, for the benefit of both partners, is if there is a deep, underlying foundation of mutual respect & admiration, trust, and commitment to the relationship.
Otherwise, it all breaks down. If, for example, your boyfriend thought of you as a second-class citizen for being female, as his 'property' to order about and take care of, then his possessiveness would make you feel very angry and resentful.
The context is the key --> something that most outside observers won't be able to discern, and causing them to assume the worst (like your bewildered girlfriends).
Take care,
-- B.
P.S.: feel free to respond to my posts over in my own thread (unless you specifically want your stories over here). We're going to drive readers nuts bouncing them back and forth all the time.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Baggy, I just didn't want to litter your post with my stories. Mostly because I think your post will be so helpful to many, especially men who want to have some "hope", whereas my post is open for just general discussion and (apparently) wild stories. That was the only reason I made most of my responses on here. I think men who may wander through this part of the board will benefit way more from your post than mine.
But of course what you are saying above it totally true! If he even once accused me of *really* being slutty, and if I even once disrespected him or tried playing games in anyway, the whole thing would be different. I really had to work hard to earn his trust over time. Not because I am untrustworthy (although there is an element of that) but mostly because only time can prove things like that. Consistency in my actions were what proved my faithfulness to him, and consistency in his support, love and encouragement of me were what made me want to be all his 100%.
I'm going to come back shortly with an "idea" post on this thread...for some of you guys...
Stripping for your man can be something a woman really enjoys. Beyond the fun the man has in this, the woman can really touch into a whole new feeling inside of herself by stripping. Usually a woman really needs her man to ask her to do this for him in order for her to feel the "permission" she needs to get in touch with this part of herself. But it will be such an erotic experience for HER if her man can gently help her get into it.
Usually, a woman who has never done something like this for her man will need a "special reason". So - if you typically get special birthday sex, or even if you don't, try asking for her to strip for you for your birthday.
There are other things he needs to do to help her feel sexy enough to pull this off.
Two suggestions:
1. Buy her pole dancing lessons. These are going on all over the place right now. If you can't find her some IRL lessons, buy the Carmen Electra DVD about stripping for your man.
2. Buy her one or more "special" outfits that specifically suit your particular likes. If you dig the school girl outfits, get that. If you dig leathers and chains, get that. Make that part about you. Dont buy something you think SHE will want to wear, make it something you would truly want to see on a stripper.
So you ask far in advance of your birthday for the special birthday present, to give her time to take the pole dancing lessons or watch the DVD, and to give you time to pick up the outfits. In my town, there are several porn shops that are also stripper clothing stores. These are the best places to go. Be aware that these clothes cost a LOT! But you see, spending money on her being sexy for you is part of how she will get the nerve up to be able to strip for you. Also make sure you buy for her or she owns a beautiful light silk robe or similar, as she can't just strut out in her strip clothes straight out of the gate.
When the birthday (or strip day) comes, make an area specifically for it. You can buy or rent a pole for cheap, but you don't really need it. What you need is an atmosphere. Keep it somewhat darkly lit. Get her half-way drunk before beginning, but you should stay sharp. Tell her the rules of a real strip club if she doesn't know them already: she can touch you but you can't touch her. Stick by this rule. NOT touching her but only appreciating her with your eyes is part of what is going to turn her on doing this. It will give her a rush of power.
Get at LEAST 3 full song dances out of her and tell her that in your request so she won't try to stop after the first one. She won't get fully into it on the first song.
After the strip show is over, make a plan for yourself to where you dont expect sex from it, but you are available and it is possible to have sex if she wants to (ie: kids at grandma's house, etc). Usually she will jump your bones. But if she seems to be more interested in talking about it afterward than having sex, let her talk. Tell her what you liked about it. Be specific and tell her naugthy things about how her body looked at certain points. Also let her talk about how it felt. Ask her "did you like having so much sexual power?" This question may make her flounder a bit as she may not realize it was power she was feeling.
Don't expect her to start stripping for you nightly, but in some cases, women really dig this and do start doing it voluntarily.
DO expect to get some great sex out of it, even if it doesn't happen that night. The thought of it will roll around in her head and drive her crazy for a few days and eventually she's gonna jump ya.
Your mileage may vary of course, and I expect some men may just "know" that their wives would never do this...but I bet some men who think that would be very surprised that they might be wrong.
Ask me questions if you want more clarification.
And if you DO get a strip show from your wife, come back and tell us how it went! (Well not details of course...LOL!)
Do those outfits come in cotton or flannel? (Sigh).... I think she'll have to get her sexy back before I'll get a strip show "gift" again. We have done this way in the past, back when she felt much less embarrassed about her appearance.
I like the silk robe idea, I'll start with that first and build the new sexy wardrobe from there.
Yes. It was pointless. Eventually, I learned and stopped asking. She's always been a good dancer, but she just would never do this. Not with me, anyway.
Silly - do you get *any* for sure sex ever? Such as birthday or anniversary sex? Or even if you don't, can't you tell her that your one and only wish on your birthday is this? If you can get her to do it once successfully, she will really dig it.
However...if you are going to be so irritated with her all the time then yeah, you're right, she ain't gonna strip for you.
Many LD women think to themselves "If I looked like Angelina Jolie, then YES I would be horny all the time".
This is sort of true, too. Because women are inherently vain and they (mistakenly) believe that sexual attractiveness is only reserved for those who are "perfect" or nearly perfect. So women themselves actually would in many cases feel more sexual if they felt physically sexier.
If your wife feels she is out of shape or has body issues due to pregnancy etc, this will definitely be an issue for her and there isn't much you can do to change her mind about it. I just wanted to acknowlede to you and to other men out there that YES this is a problem within women's mind's. She could be sooooo sexy if she were only confident, but in her mind, to be confident, she would have to look different than she does. Very difficult for a woman to shake those feelings.
However...in the case of asking her to strip...there is a bit of a way around it.
Most women have at least one feature they feel is "good enough" or "sexy enough", even the most unconfident woman. Some women feel that way about their boobs, some about their legs or their hiney, some feel that no matter how out of shape they feel in other areas of their body at least their "kitty" still looks good.
If your wife has even one area of her body that she feels confident about, then you can stage the strip show about only what she feels confident enough to show off to you, versus getting full on naked.
So just taking boobs as an example....if she feels confident that YOU find her boobs very very sexy, then here's how you modify my suggestion above:
*When you ask for the birthday sexy strip, you specifically call it a "boobie tease show" versus stripping, and you buy the slut clothes with this in mind...picking something that keeps her mostly covered up in the other areas of her body but which gives a "peek" at the boobs...or it can be something that can be taken off on top, the rest of her is still covered, but you have also bought her some fun tassles or pasties to be hidden under the sexy top and to be seen only at the end of your "boobie tease show".
See what I'm getting at? Make it all about only what she feels comfortable with. Most women have at least one part of their body they will come forth with if you encourage it enough.
Another bit of advice for the guys: affirmation, affirmation, affirmation.
If you have an LD wife, begin a relentless campaign of telling her, writing her, and showing her just how beautiful and sexy she is TO YOU. To hell with the rest of world, all that matters in your bedroom is you and her, and she is your goddess above all others.
My wife has battled weight problems most of our married life. It has given her a terrible body image and affected her sex drive (not the only factor, but a contributing factor). When we were young (back in my military days), I would criticize her for not doing more about it: big mistake; big, BIG mistake. Not only was I being a jerk and making it seem like my love and attraction for her was conditional, but her contrary nature meant that I would get the opposite effect from what I wanted. When we were a little older, and I wasn't such the young, angry man, I would still bring it up occasionally and try to be encouraging -- the 'bad cop' approach hadn't worked, so I tried the 'good cop' approach. That didn't work for either her weight or our sex life, either. The truth is, she didn't need ANY cop to tell her about her weight: she was her own worst critic. Just when she got down to something she was starting to be happy with, along would come another pregnancy and the whole multi-year battle would begin anew. But it's her battle, not mine: my support of her efforts is alright, but I have a more important mission now.
When I began my effort so repair our marriage last year, I made the conscious decision to do all I could to make her feel sexy and attractive again. The fact is that now that I'm middle aged, I can look at my wife and see far beyond the surface -- I see the girl I married (she was 19), I see the mother of my children, I see the woman who stood by me when others would have left me, and I see the mature wife that I have today -- so I can be perfectly honest in telling her that she is, indeed, the most attractive and sexy woman on this Earth to me, and I want no other. So I've grown and matured. Also, she NEEDS that voice telling her that she's still sexy and attractive, because she gets barraged by the opposite message in the media (and her books) every day, and as I said, she is her own worst critic. My job is to add the counterpoint to all of that.
So if your wife is battling weight or other body image issues, don't add to the voices (her own being the loudest) saying she's unattractive and not sexy for it -- you're shooting yourself in the foot, especially in the bedroom. Be the one voice whispering in her ear about how much she turns you on, and how you're going to do something naughty to prove it to her later. It may take MONTHS of non-stop effort, but she will start to believe you....and respond.
-- B.
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
Dance - Admittedly her lack of confidence about her appearance is one of our stumbling blocks in our SL. I have told her over and over that she is still so beautiful to me and that is all that really matters. You are right that I can't do anything about the way that she feels about herself though.
Her best attribute is her hair. She has the most gorgeous, long and thick hair. I love touching her hair and drive her crazy always wanting to catch a whiff of it. Not much of a strip tease body part although a nice enhancement to the overall effect.
Anyway here is my idea: She has been taping and doing the workouts to the Shimmy program on FitTV. It's a workout based on belly dancing movement and steps. The first time I saw it and found out that she was taping them, I asked her when she was going to dance for me. She thought I was joking but I was really serious. I would love to see her dance like that for me.
I could get the DVD of season 1 for her now (almost time for her B-day) and then get her the dancing costume later with the request for a performance on my B-day about 7 months from now. I'll have to get some music too. The best part is that the costume will support and cover most of her embarrassing areas and her beautiful hair gets played up too, a win-win. I guess I'll have to find the belly dancing store in town and start shopping for the clothing right away.
You know I hadn't really thought about getting a sensual belly dance from her again until you mentioned about playing up her great assets. Thanks DQ
(Sigh).... I think she'll have to get her sexy back before I'll get a strip show "gift" again. We have done this way in the past, back when she felt much less embarrassed about her appearance.