I agree with BFM completely. And she's a pretty good model for you to look at as to how to do it effectively.
Far too many people see detachment as something equivalent to ignoring and not thinking about their mate. It's nothing like that.
I really believe that you have to start with telling yourself that this is truly not about you. Your husbands words and actions, while in this strange state, are not about you, are not necessarily even provoked by you. It's just where he is at and what he is going through. I think it's safe to say that he is every bit as confused as you are.
The alcoholic comparison works pretty well I think, if you consider a really bad alcoholic who is in the throes of the addiction. The drinking is not caused by another person. It's an addicition born out of intense unhappiness and confusion inside.
If you can divorce his actions/words from anything that you've done, I think you will find it easier to move toward true detachment. That is, you might find it easier to realize that his waffling, his distance, his offenses, are not directed towards you per se, but symptomatic of his current state.
True detachment also makes it possible for you to find a measure of compassion for him. And while I'm not a big one on feeling sorry for the MLC'er and all the hurt they cause, finding some compassion does make it possible to deal with him in unconditional love. And THAT I think is a very important part of your dealings with him.
Look, one of the DB principles is to find what works. You laid down an ultimatum, took a bit of a tough stand, and I was all for that. I think it's a perfectly valid approach. But did it get the results you were looking for? It doesn't seem so. So it's back to the drawing board.
To me that means detachment and loving him unconditionally when you have a chance to interact.
I would leave him be, let him initiate contact. Use this time to get yourself together. It's time to begin planning for life without him, as painful as that might be. Try to find the positives to being able to make your own decisions and plans, and then tackle them, embracing the new possibilities.
You're not closing the door on him, or at least you don't have to. What you are doing is making a life for yourself, one that you can find joy and peace in. Yes, there will be sadness in thinking about losing what you had, but remind yourself that the end of the story is not yet written. In the meantime, you want to present yourself to him one day as a strong, confident, and happy woman who is comfortable with who she is and what she can and has accomplished.
It's not an ending. Nothing is over unless you want it to be. You're simply taking another approach. One that will keep you in good shape and yet do everything possible to keep a future open and available between the two of you.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
