Thanks again Neil for the advice and support. It is much appreciated and can use all of the help as things settle down at this new state.
I have been reading a lot of threads the past few days and finding a lot of good ideas. With regards to going dark, I grabbed this from ndsmhlps thread...is this it? Is this what you mean?
"Give her "without you.
ALL THE WHILE remaining the same loving, kind, considerate new man that he has been the last three months.
Make arrangements to make the separation possible, slowly withdrawing from activities with your wife..."
Of course in my sitch it's 3-4 weeks and not months, and there is no separation just heading straight for D (thanks SD legislature :-( )
With regards to goals. I'll stick with the smiling, like you. This is real hard for me as I don't normally think at this level.
The thing about the IC for her, we both know that it is something she needs to do, especially is she is experiencing some "confusion". But I will not be bringing it up with her anymore as it will be viewed as pressure. Heck, can't pretty much do anything, right? Just focus on me, my kids, my life and hope she comes around. Focus on giving her without me.
Chris
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
I don't either, however, that's why in DR we're told to start with a "beginners mind." They need to become comfortable around us again....and smiling is a great first step.
I think that means to, if she wants to talk to you, do it at your convienance. In other words, don't jump every time she needs something. Have your life, and don't let her control it. She needs to experience this "thing" on her own. I know, i have difficulty with this. I purposely don't call or text her back right away now. it's so foreign because we used to be at each others beck and call....so it'll feel weird for a long time. still is for me.
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
Chris, can you summarize things for me. One paragraph, where you're at, where she's at. She thinks she may be attracted to another woman ?
Is that a deal breaker for you? What if she included you in the "activities", (yes like in a 3-some) ? Is this something you could let her explore within the marriage ? Do you think your W was sexually abused as a child ? A lot of abused women have no boundaries sexually & are more into experimenting, & not sure about their feelings.
A lot of couples do things occasionallly to "spice" things up, & are quite happy together. Think out of the box buddy. Maybe ? It could be a phase.
Abused women don't mature through the sexual stages at a normal appropriate age. They have missed out on a lot of the experimentation & desire it later in life. Sometimes, just knowing her curiosity is okay, & not being judged as "bad" is helpful. Some couples incorporate fantasy play to satisfy those curiosities.
If this idea is all morally repugnant to you, please accept my apologies. I'm not promoting or discouraging "alternate lifestyles", I'm looking for a way to help you hang on to your family, & love your wife through her confusion.
SC
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I personally think if it's called "experimentation" or "girl-on girl action", it's still cheating, but it almost seems as though women think it's acceptable if it's not another guy. You could consider whether you are "okay" with a threesome, but I'm wondering if it's already been a twosome. And it may be just me (you need to decide your own comfort level), but I am not "save your marriage at any cost"....many may be.
About your goals: I wouldn't make any that your wife has to fulfill. Those aren't goals, they're wishes. You could certainly make some that indicates how you'll attempt to go about having her do those things.
Lastly, don't believe everything your wife tells you. Look around on here and see how many lying spouses there are. Ask smartcookie if she always told it exactly how it was to her spouse. Sometimes to spare our feelings, the WAS isn't as open with their actual thoughts as we think.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I was thinking about this further and I have to ask smartcookie. If you found out your husband was having an affair, even if it was a gay affair, would you ask if you could make it a threesome?
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Okay Phx, you got me laughing with that last post. First time all day. So a big thanks out to you.
SC, to summarize, I did some snooping on Tuesday and found three books that W had hidden(Straight Girls Guide to Sleeping with Chicks, Awakening Virgin, and Is it Coffee or Just a Date - The gay girls guide to dating). Now, ever since the bomb drop, W has been hanging out all the time with her friend who happened to start having R issues with her partner shortly after my bomb (unrelated I hope). They are either over at their place, our place or at the gay bar in town.
I do not know if the books are being read by her for her, or just to gain an understanding of her new friend???? But it does answer why she has repeatedly stated that she can't love me the way I should be loved. I have not confronted her with what I found and don't want to. I don't know if she will bring it up either. I do know that she said the other night that she has other issues (outside of the issues that led to the bomb) that she and only she can work through.
As for it being a dealbreaker...I don't honestly know. It is just adding to all of the pre-existing issues, emotions and confusion and add the fact that she wants out as fast as possible, I am at whit's end!!!!
As for abuse as a kid, I am not really sure. I know her dad was and is an alcoholic and somewhat verbally/physically abusive with her mom but have never heard of any sexual abuse from her, of course that could have been repressed and now is unleashed. Her dad came from a large family and all but a few are pretty much dysfunctional.
To the point of "mixing it up"...she did bring something like that up when were dating and it was something that was never followed through on :-( and never brought up again.
Ugh! She sent an email to me wanting me to drop her cell line from our joint account. Sat on it for 30 minutes before responding. I feel like I am going to get hen-pecked over the next 90 days like this.
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
I hear ya Phx. The talk tonight can be about almost anything and I could just be getting stressed about it due to the developments over the last two days. Going to leave work soon, and gather my PMA together, pick up the kids and pizza and head home to act as if it's just another beautiful day in the neighborhood.
I guess the looming question is, if she brings up her "personal issues/questions etc..." to I switch to the LLRT? I plan to stay as dark as possible and might even at this point, add more mystery to my GAL activities (she's curious about what I have been up to even though she hasn't been asking really).
Just when I thought I was getting things figures out, another Tuesday Kaboom! I hate Tuesdays!!!!
Me 34 W 33 D 4 S 2 M 5 T 8 Bomb 6/17/08 Served 7/17/08 I hate Tuesdays! Current Thread
<<SC, to summarize, I did some snooping on Tuesday and found three books that W had hidden(Straight Girls Guide to Sleeping with Chicks, Awakening Virgin, and Is it Coffee or Just a Date - The gay girls guide to dating). Now, ever since the bomb drop, W has been hanging out all the time with her friend who happened to start having R issues with her partner shortly after my bomb (unrelated I hope). They are either over at their place, our place or at the gay bar in town.
Okay, so you've got some pretty good reasons to believe that W is at least bi-curious, if not heading towards lesbian. Now, where do you stand on that ? (rhetorical question, I don't believe you need to answer here). If she's bi, is that a deal-breaker. It is some men's biggest fantasy. I don't care one way or the other. I'm just here to provide another perspective.
sidenote; I have some very different books hidden in my room too. I'd hate for H to jump to any conclusions. One of them did catch my eye at the library because one of my friends is involved in an alternative lifestyle. But, I'm not hanging with her & her friends, nor going to bars that promote the lifestyle. Although, if she asked me to go once, or twice, I may just out of curiosity.
<<I do not know if the books are being read by her for her, or just to gain an understanding of her new friend???? But it does answer why she has repeatedly stated that she can't love me the way I should be loved. I have not confronted her with what I found and don't want to. I don't know if she will bring it up either. I do know that she said the other night that she has other issues (outside of the issues that led to the bomb) that she and only she can work through.
So can you be patient & wait for her to work things through ? Or do you want out, while she works on herself ? Why don't you want to ask her ? Maybe she's just bi-curious, & scared to death to mention it to you for fear you'll disapprove.
<<As for it being a dealbreaker...I don't honestly know. It is just adding to all of the pre-existing issues, emotions and confusion and add the fact that she wants out as fast as possible, I am at whit's end!!!!
I'm trying to put myself in your shoes, & I'd be having a massive panic attack, to say the least. I feel for ya. I'm trying to help here. If it's not helping, dump my advice. okay ?
<<As for abuse as a kid, I am not really sure. I know her dad was and is an alcoholic and somewhat verbally/physically abusive with her mom but have never heard of any sexual abuse from her, of course that could have been repressed and now is unleashed. Her dad came from a large family and all but a few are pretty much dysfunctional.
When you take alcohol, add verbal/physical abuse, you can just about bet the farm that there was sexual also.
<<To the point of "mixing it up"...she did bring something like that up when were dating and it was something that was never followed through on :-( and never brought up again.
So, looking back, this may have been a warning of things to come ? or a red flag ? & by the frown I'm guessing you wouldn't mind mixing it up. Again, I'm not judging or promoting, just talking. ( I'm just more open minded than the average cookie).
<<Ugh! She sent an email to me wanting me to drop her cell line from our joint account. Sat on it for 30 minutes before responding. I feel like I am going to get hen-pecked over the next 90 days like this.
Hang in there.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
I was thinking about this further and I have to ask smartcookie. If you found out your husband was having an affair, even if it was a gay affair, would you ask if you could make it a threesome?
Nope, it's not my fantasy to be with H & a gay man. I do believe a lot of men are okay being with two women, even if one is their W.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
