Helping OW??

[butterflymom]

This is very, very difficult to do while beleiving that OW is a part of his life. The problem I have w/ detachment is that I find it difficult to be detached AND be supportive, loving, etc., etc. Intuitively the two are mutually exclusive. Detaching makes me push my loving feelings down deep and I start to feel cold & unloving. Being supportive & loving interferes w/ my ability to detach. It's like oil & water - how do you mix them?

How can I be his wife if he is (a) not living w/ me, and (b) having an affair?

I agree. It is one of the most difficult things to “get” and to do. How do you mix them? To be honest I can’t really tell you how to go about doing it. It’s just something that happens. For some people it happens very quickly. (I was one of those) for some people it happens in stages over time. I’m sure you know this, but detachment isn’t about pushing your loving feelings down. It’s about not letting the actions of another bringYou down. I read a lot about depression and living with a depressed person, having a relationship with a depressed person etc and looking at things from that angle helped me immensely. I read a lot about Al Anon and their strategies for living with an alcoholic. Even though your H may not be depressed or be an alcoholic (FW’s not an alcoholic, but he did self medicate w/alcohol pretty heavily during the height of his MLC) the strategies are still really really good ones to look at. They deal with loving detachment, what it looks like, why it’s good, etc. I’ll send you a PM with some good books I read. I won’t post them here since they may be competitors of MWD.

I can totally see that my being upbeat & happy, independent & confident, non pressuring and detached will work to my advantage & make me the more attractive person to my H.

EXACTLY, but do that for YOU more than anything else. It will make you feel better about yourself.

. D is away for two more weeks, giving me the freedom to do what I want w/ my time & leaving H wondering who I am w/ & what I am doing when he is not w/ me. I'm not expecting miracles in that two week period, but I think that much could be accomplished if I can DB effectively.

You say you’re not expecting miracles, but just make sure that you don’t set yourself up for a fall if things don’t work out like you hope in those two weeks. These guys will usually touch and go several times. You’ve just had a pretty good touch and now, if things go according to the usual protocol, he’s due for a pretty big “go” for a while. With D away he may use it as an excuse to not see you or talk to you much. Be prepared for it. You may not get too much time to actually “DB” in the next two weeks unless you count detaching, not calling, GAL, letting him initiate etc. You may get to do a lot of that.

Patience. Lay low for a while. Let him come to you. Go out and have fun with friends (or alone). Don’t be surprised if he pulls away and you don’t hear from him for a few days. Don’t take it personally and don’t call to see what he’s doing. You can do this.

BFM