Just thought I would give a different perspective. In the days leading up to my Sep my W and I would talk in the middle of the night often (we still shared the same bed) and the conversation would be very surreal. We would talk about houses and places to live like we were going to stay together and be very upbeat, future oriented and then 15 minutes later she would ask if I found a place to live yet. This would happen quite often. I think it just goes to show how confused they are.
As far as your H wanting custody, here is a different take. If your H had very little interaction with your children and wasn't really involved in the day to day activities with them, then perhaps spending a few days alone with them, having to do everything for them, might be a real eye-opener to everything that is involved and possibly make him appreciate a little more of what you do. Your children are stil young enought where they need quite a bit of parental involvement for their basic needs (I know my twins turn 3 next week!). I would of course protect your self if you have to, perhaps something informal and not legal (i.e. H why don't you take care of the kids for the 4 days when you are off from work, I need a little break and I am going to visit some friends or something like that). Just some thoughts.
I know in my sitch, I typically did most of the stuff around the house (pick-up,laundry, groceries, take care of kids, and work full time). My W said she wanted space and we agreed to 50% custody (alternating weeks). All of her friends and family recommended that I let her drown in her space. I didn't let her drown, but I did let her struggle a bit before helping out....I think this was a good thing for both of us.
Just some thoughts
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Do you really want to give up? Do you honestly think there are no changes you need to make? Do you believe it is all him?
He does sound OCD and he needs to make changes. That doesn't relieve you, though. I can see how much I need to change.
I am going a bit crazy with all of my R stuff with my H but I'm not ready to give up. Think a bit longer. Have some hope. Be good to yourself and breath.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Thanks Michelle for coming over to answer my questions. So, I'm assuming there is some sort of attorney/mediator involved in a legal sep. to figure out child support/custody, spousal support, etc...? Does it mean one of us would have to take our name off the house? I'm still confused.
Wifey, thanks for coming over here too! I know there are changes I need to make. I've acknowledged them, apologized for them, just don't know how to change them...
It would be an eye-opener for h to be with the kids for 4days straight. I was thinking about that this morning when I was trying to get us all out the door. S2 was upset because he wanted to be naked, and I put clothes on him. D4 was in her own world when I asked her several times to get dressed. Then she sneezed and I had to change her shirt. The thing is h lives with his parents whom I'm sure would help out/do everything for the kids. H would never have to cook dinner with them running around. H would never have to take them to the grocery store, or even entertain them all day. I would get blamed everytime one of them whines, or does something wrong because he doesn't think I discipline them enough. This is not going to be good.
I can't NOT be around my kids for 50% of the time, when I've always been around them 100%!
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
It would be an eye-opener for h to be with the kids for 4days straight. I was thinking about that this morning when I was trying to get us all out the door. S2 was upset because he wanted to be naked, and I put clothes on him. D4 was in her own world when I asked her several times to get dressed. Then she sneezed and I had to change her shirt. The thing is h lives with his parents whom I'm sure would help out/do everything for the kids. H would never have to cook dinner with them running around. H would never have to take them to the grocery store, or even entertain them all day. I would get blamed everytime one of them whines, or does something wrong because he doesn't think I discipline them enough. This is not going to be good.
I feel for you here, my alomst 3 years old slove to take their clothes off and my D loves to put on 10 sets of PJs through the day. I was afraid that his parents would chip in too much. It is shame we can't think of a way to make this work out. Keeping a house up and 2 preschoolers in line is more than a full time job for one. I am crazy enough to have volunteered to baby sit one of my W's girlfriends 2 yr old this weekend along with our kids so they could go to the beach
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
So, I'm assuming there is some sort of attorney/mediator involved in a legal sep. to figure out child support/custody, spousal support, etc...? Does it mean one of us would have to take our name off the house? I'm still confused.
A legal separation can be done without any outside assistance if he is willing to work with you on it. You come to your own settlement about the finances and child custody.
The "basic" form is here. You attach whatever settlement, support, and custody forms you want to it. (I know it probably is overwhelming since most people aren't familiar with the forms, but if you just go one line at a time and/or get some help from a free clinic (the county will have one), they're not too bad).
I love how kids haven't learned modesty yet lol.
Regardless of how much or little his parents will help him out, having a few days where he has to deal with the kids will be a bit of an eye-opener I think. Maybe not at first, but hopefully, eventually, he'll realize you do a lot and you do your best.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
(((Ms. Ladybug))) I've never posted to you before but I'm getting ready to file a LS myself and wanted to see what our resident L (Michelle) had to say about it.
Good luck.
Corey
M:39 H:39 K:S14;D8 T:22yr M:15yrs S:12/28/07 EA/PA 3/14/08 OW preg 11/17/08 born 12/12/08 his ~~~~~~~ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option
with that man I'd def go for a mediator (prices range, you must make sure they are experienced and that they assure you their paperwork will hold up in court). That's how mine went, in my state the LS is to sever all legal/financial ties, all that goes into it is admissible in court when/if one of the spouse files, so whatever you put down make sure it's the right thing, once it is signed and notarized you can't change it. At the time you come up with a LS you must decide and split all assets, who gets what, the house/car/furniture/savings/401k, all has to be disclosed, debts, any property you two have acquired while married. As far as the house you two must reach an agreement about who gets it and what the other gets in return if it is not sold.
So, CONSULT A LAWYER, you dont' need to retain one, I was able to get a one time consultation through the bar assn. from my county for 35$, the 2nd visit was full price but all in all I didnt pay much and it was SO worth it.. You must get one before a mediation or thinking of doing a legal sep. , only a L will tell you what you should get by law, what to look out for and what other things you aren't thinking of. Our LS was done with an impartial mediator because we both said we'd collaborate. After only 2 sessions we had it all down, each of us saw a L before it was signed (Ls look out for you and for loop holes/disadvantages).
The LS can be annulled if the couple decides not to file for D or stay married, so when you sign it it doesn't mean your are definetly heading for a D.
And, honestly, how many times is this man going to pull the "ILY, have you chosen a L already? jeez!! I'm barely getting used to stbx taking the kids for 3 nights in a row (will happen soon). But if he is asking for 50% then he at least should take them one day to teach him that caring for children isn't as easy as he thinks. I think it is a blessing that at least the parents will help. The sad truth is, you might have to start getting used to the idea of not seeing the kids for some days. The other things is, he does'nt have to have them all 4 days if it is not convenient to you, for example, if those 4 days include weekends.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Makes my head spin. I want to close my eyes, be divorced, full-custody of the kids, new house, h in another country (just kidding on the last part, wouldn't be good for the kids).
So, now h is in another town today doing a ride-along for another police dept. This one is only about 3hrs away...ON THE COAST! Remember the friend moving to TN? Now the friend is moving to the central coast in CA! Anyways, h is doing a ride along, and tells me that if he likes it, he's going to apply, and being a small-town dept, the hiring process may be quick (like 8-30days). Now, I don't know ANY police dept, small or not that can hire in as little as 30days, much less 8!! Quick, and RASH I might add, since he only started thinking about this 5days ago! It's all about his "buddy" though. He should marry HIM! I'd jump to live on the central coast, way before I'd ever move to TN, but still, a move in a bad marriage is a bad move. I'm staying PUT! How's he gonna get 50% living 3hrs away?
Maybe I should move to MLC. The motorcycle, the constant need to MOVE, change job careers, etc...hhhmmmm
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
