WAW is full steam ahead

[LosingSunshine]

Heard a sad song driving to my other office after a meeting. Had to let go of some tears and pull myself together. I never really imagined that I could let something so precious and dear to me, slip away and become so confused. I hope after these tears I can channel that energy into detaching from the W, lovingly of course.

Still thinking about the convo's of the last two nights. How scared and fearful she was of what she thought my reaction would be and the relief felt when it was the opposite. Not accomodating but not angry...almost indifferent.

Does anyone know if her fear of my reaction could be part of the fog she's been in? Obviously not entirely, but a little?

I was intently watching her during the conversations, and listening empathatically and validating, and she started the convo's from a position of power I guess but during the talks, her mood changed to being scared, tearful etc...I know these things are emotional in nature and don't want to read to much into it. Just interesting.

She also brought up last night how some of the things I said Tuesday made her feel guilty. I told her that was not my intention, I was just bringing some things up because she should know. She was relieved that it was not my intention to make her feel guilty and thanked me for that.

Another interesting thing she brought up is how she's been telling me where's she's going to be when she leaves and I haven't. I thanked her for letting me know and reminded her that she doesn't need to and said that I have just been out and about. Not reading to much into that, I know she's interested but not going to read it as a positive statement unless she starts asking again.

So, she doesn't want me to be angry but does desperately want me to accept this (why won't you, what must I do for you to accept etc...). She doesn't want to feel guilt for this decision and just wants to move forward because she can't be happy, so she thinks, while she's still married and hates living downstairs in the spare bedroom.

Another question...I know this is one tight rope to walk and I have basically a few months before things are finalized. She did say she will be going to IC to deal with her issues but is still anti MC. She also said she would do the coparenting counseling, as long as it is not christian based. I plan on going dark for awhile, to the best that I can, but am confused as to whether I should be available for her to talk to me? Should I avoid all convo's with her now as there really isn't any reason except for the kids? MWD talks about the LLRT in infidelity and whereas I have no proof of OW, do I employ this eventually?

My goals right now need to be revised to really small baby steps. I am thinking the following:

W comes with me and kids to daycare picnic next week.
W stops talking about D when we do talk (nothing much more to talk about right?), first shot is tonight.
W smiles at me, compliments me, asks me how my day has been
W spends more time with kids and at house (I know I should let her do whatever but should it be viewed as a positive if she's choosing family over crazy lifestyle?)

My personal goals are to
Get out of depresso funk from the past two days and channel that energy into PMA.
Continue with 180s. She noticed...no custody fight.
Stop smoking soon, really soon.
Expand GAL into a group activity or something to meet new people or try new things.
Keep focus and strength for kids.