State of Mind

[BeingMe]

Hi ACJ! Yeah, it may sound like I am saying two things, but just to clarify --- I do want a more richly intimate M, but my H has left off this for so long, that I have closed the door on it (not locked, mind you). It just hurts too much to think that he is not even attracted to me, or loves me enough to try and discuss this, or seek some help. I am tempted to assume he isn't attracted to me, and probably doesn't really love me --- just came back for the sake of the kids, maybe. I just don't know anymore, and am starting to really not care.

Yes, I was LD a long time ago --- self esteem issues due to my childhood, and made worse by my H's porn addiction, and lack of affection outside of the bedroom. He knows this, and we have talked about it. It took me a lot of work to realise that it wasn't my issues, that I'm just fine, and so by the time I found out about the A, our love life was certainly getting to the point of being great. That was 4 years ago, and we continued to ML during the A, and then I stopped it 'cause he was eating cake, and I started moving on with my life. Then he wanted back into the M, and it was not long after that (3 years ago) when I expressed a need for more romance that he just seemed to lose interest. I have spoken to him about this aspect several times since, and have just now given up. Pointless to beat a dead horse. So, I closed the door on intimacy because I don't want to be tempted into an A myself, and I am tired of being hurt every weekend when he is home, and still shows no interest in me, romantically.

And, I did express this to him the last time we talked (or, should I say, I talked, to him about my concerns). He's going to have his work cut out for him to get me to open up to him, and allow myself to be vulnerable again.

Thanks for pointing out my confusing post --- helped to clear things in my own mind, writing all this down. And, you know, I am happy within myself. I have done all I can do to save my M --- I have no regrets in that regard. So, now I don't have to waste anymore time focussing on that aspect of my life. The ball is in H's court now. And, I can live with or without him --- all the same to me.

Take care.