H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
Fooled Again, I am sorry to see that your H was just peeking again. It really sounds as though he is still very confused. But it also seems as though you have figured out that you will still stand for your M no matter what.
I do think that the ultimatum that you gave him probably pressured and scared him enough to come back on the surface, but their is still a whole iceburg below it that needs to really still figure things out. He obviously doesnt want to throw in the towel completely yet, and his short return to you proves it. I know the pain you are in, and unfortunately it still sounds as though there is more of that to come. Hold on tight sweety, you have a power you dont even know, but he can not deny it.
I was so hoping that your H had really figured it out this time, but it was most likely due to the pressure from the ultimatum. Dont regret it, but be careful not to push him too much more at this time. Do as you have been, and again: detatch!!!
You can do this, you are so strong. You know what you want, so even if it does take a whole lot more time, never give up. You said that the OW even said that she thinks you two will end up together, so listen! That should tell you right there that she doesnt have him completely either. Dont play tug of war with her though, it seems it may bring some problems your way.
I know what I am about to say may not be the best peice of advice, but I know you are about at your wicks end. So one time way back, i read that to win back a love sometimes the lbs should consider dating. That doesnt mean to have sex with someone else. But simply hang out a lot with another man. This is extreme, I know, and it goes against DBing, but it may be helpful in your circumstance.
When I went on the one date to a black tie affair with someone that was compatible with me, I noticed a quick turn in my H. Never will he admit it, but I know that he was afraid that I may be moving on too fast. It did not bring my H back to me, but it sure did set us up for a turn of events that eventually got us back to peicing. I since have told my H all about the date, and even showed him pictures from the evening.
You do not need to take this advise and I am sure others will stongly contradict it. But It has worked for others, even me kindof. But it sure sounds to me that you could use some wine&dining from someone who may treat you special just as a friend. The man I went on the date with knew my situation and took me as a friend, and we never went on another date again. I did it for myself, to feel good & respected, and pretty & to have fun. That is all it was and it certainly brought up my spirits. It gave me confidence, and made me feel like a woman again. And I do believe that it also opened up my H's eyes a bit that he could loose me.
It seems to me in some of your recent posts that you have been too available to him, and are making it very clear to him that you will just wait around forever until he figures things out for himself - ultimatums or not. Shake things up a bit. Scare him a little. Be unavailable a lot. Dont answer calls - let him leave a message. Laugh and have as much fun with others (even men) and do things that make you happy in the meantime. Make him really sense that you are moving on>>>even if you know in the back of your mind that you want your M -- you still need to try and put him out of your heart for now. GOOD LUCK - I know it is easier said than done. TIPPER
Thanks for your post. Funny thing about your "dating" advice. My non-DB coach asked me how she thought H would react to my telling him that I was thinking of dating. I said I wasn't sure. I know this could backfire as it is putting pressure on him - he has already told me he is afraid of losing me to someone else. But he has said the same thing to OW.
I have to admit that I've been having a lot of trouble keeping my feet on the ground for the past two days. H has not contacted me since his short call on Tues. I am sure he has been w/ OW and surely she is doing everything she can to keep him from coming back to me. I can only imagine what she must be saying to him. The silence is deadly. So going away this weekend is probably the best thing I can do, but I also know it will be lonely and frustrating. I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
H is obviously is not able to choose b/w me and OW, or maybe it's that he is not able to choose b/w the two lives he has created for himself. At this point I am trying to figure out what life w/ me has to offer compared to life w/ OW.
Life w/ me is about his child, his home, his past, his family (parents & siblings), the person he was when he was a better man, younger, more successful. But there are also many painful memories in his past, the death of his sister and the death of his nephew, as well as many other things that have hurt him and he hasn't really dealt with.
Life w/ OW is about escaping, pretending he is someone else, access to prestige, adoration, being the hero. Also, she has money so she can pay off his debts (she may not, I don't know). But there are things about H that OW criticizes (habits) and there is also the fact that she is insistent upon H bringing her into D's life (which H is not prepared to do, at least not now).
I know that I have to live my life as though he is never coming back, even though I honestly believe he will come back. I just don't know how to rectify the two - they don't fit together. I am a planner, looking to the future, but for me the future is a complete blank. And the present feels like a nightmare that won't end.
I think the hardest thing for me is NC. I feel anxious and sick to my stomach, and it is a very, very difficult feeling to get rid of. When I think that this can go on for months or years, I can hardly bear it. Standing for my M will be very hard for me and I don't know if I am strong enough to do it.
I am hoping to find some answers from within this w/end.
FA
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
This is very, very difficult to do while beleiving that OW is a part of his life. The problem I have w/ detachment is that I find it difficult to be detached AND be supportive, loving, etc., etc. Intuitively the two are mutually exclusive. Detaching makes me push my loving feelings down deep and I start to feel cold & unloving. Being supportive & loving interferes w/ my ability to detach. It's like oil & water - how do you mix them?
How can I be his wife if he is (a) not living w/ me, and (b) having an affair?
I agree. It is one of the most difficult things to “get” and to do. How do you mix them? To be honest I can’t really tell you how to go about doing it. It’s just something that happens. For some people it happens very quickly. (I was one of those) for some people it happens in stages over time. I’m sure you know this, but detachment isn’t about pushing your loving feelings down. It’s about not letting the actions of another bringYou down. I read a lot about depression and living with a depressed person, having a relationship with a depressed person etc and looking at things from that angle helped me immensely. I read a lot about Al Anon and their strategies for living with an alcoholic. Even though your H may not be depressed or be an alcoholic (FW’s not an alcoholic, but he did self medicate w/alcohol pretty heavily during the height of his MLC) the strategies are still really really good ones to look at. They deal with loving detachment, what it looks like, why it’s good, etc. I’ll send you a PM with some good books I read. I won’t post them here since they may be competitors of MWD.
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I can totally see that my being upbeat & happy, independent & confident, non pressuring and detached will work to my advantage & make me the more attractive person to my H.
EXACTLY, but do that for YOU more than anything else. It will make you feel better about yourself.
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. D is away for two more weeks, giving me the freedom to do what I want w/ my time & leaving H wondering who I am w/ & what I am doing when he is not w/ me. I'm not expecting miracles in that two week period, but I think that much could be accomplished if I can DB effectively.
You say you’re not expecting miracles, but just make sure that you don’t set yourself up for a fall if things don’t work out like you hope in those two weeks. These guys will usually touch and go several times. You’ve just had a pretty good touch and now, if things go according to the usual protocol, he’s due for a pretty big “go” for a while. With D away he may use it as an excuse to not see you or talk to you much. Be prepared for it. You may not get too much time to actually “DB” in the next two weeks unless you count detaching, not calling, GAL, letting him initiate etc. You may get to do a lot of that.
Patience. Lay low for a while. Let him come to you. Go out and have fun with friends (or alone). Don’t be surprised if he pulls away and you don’t hear from him for a few days. Don’t take it personally and don’t call to see what he’s doing. You can do this.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
I see you're already getting anxious about the NC from him. No, he can't decide, but you can't decide for him and nothing you can do or say will push him toward a decision. Nothing she can do or say will push him toward a decision either.
That my dear is one of the basic principals of detachment. Loving someone enough to stop trying to control thier life. Stop trying to manipulate their decisions to meet your needs. Detachment is loving someone enough to allow them to go out on their own and make thier own decisions and live their own life without you always there to pick them up or to maneuver outcomes by always being in the middle of everything. It's easier to understand when put into the context of an alcoholic, not as easy to understand with something as confusing as MLC.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
