My new thread - The lost world!

[Bworl]

The key is that you've made these changes because you realized that it was an area that you had let slip.

My understanding of the DB principles regarding making changes is that they come after some self-evaluation in terms of how we have changed over the years of the relationship.

Let's just be honest. As the years go by, we allow our comfort in the relationship to make us a bit lazy. Eventually there are many things that we begin doing that we didn't used to do. There are equally things that we no longer do that we did used to do. When these things impact our relationship with our spouse by gradually making us become unattractive to them, it only widens the distance between us, particularly when other stresses come in to the relationship.

So when we begin DB'ing, we begin with a look inside ourselves first. We take stock so to speak of who we are and who we've become. We try to identify things that need to be brought back up to snuff, and maybe look at things that would restore OUR attractiveness as a mate.

While our spouse is floundering through whatever they are dealing with, particularly if other people are involved, these changes that we work on serve the dual purpose of making us better people AND giving us something useful to focus our time and efforts on.

The "changes" portion of DB'ing was never intended to make us something we are not, simply to lure our spouse back home. At least that's my opinion. To me that creeps a bit too close to the matter of deception - which by the way is a criticism that some have of DB'ing in general. I always assumed it was simply a case of these people not truly understanding what DB'ing was saying about making changes to yourself.

My perspective gathered over the past couple of years is that there is not alot that we can do to win a spouse BACK. There are, on the other hand, MANY things we can do with our behavior and words to push them even further away. Yet another reason why it is imperative that we find a way to remove ourselves from THEIR drama, focus on ourselves, and get control of US enough that any interactions can be generally positive.

It's a hell of a ride, and a not very pleasant one at that. It takes incredible fortitude to make it through months and years of rejection and betrayal at the hands of the person we shared vows with.

But it can be done. And that's the part that CANNOT be lost when we begin to commiserate about our spouse and their behavior. The DB'ing techniques IMPROVE our chances of NOT pushing them further away, while at the same time INCREASING the chances that they realize just what they are potentially giving up.

In the end it is up to our spouses to complete this journey they are on and find the strength inside to choose to honor the commitment they made to us and our children.


There is a bit of a tone on the site these days that has become darker and more pessimistic. It grieves me a bit to think that perhaps I have contributed to that in some way. My perspective is that of a divorce man who was divorced without much say in the matter, who moved on with his life, and who has found happiness and tranquility again. But let me say just one more time for the record - EVERY effort should be made to save your marriage before throwing in the towel. I believe STRONGLY that you should EARN your right to stand down, and not quit at the first sign of ugliness.

AD, you've had a bad deal from your wife. Infidelity is one of the most difficult things to overcome in a relationship, but keep in mind that MANY, MANY marriages HAVE indeed overcome it and become strong, vibrant marriages again. Most of us have that initial feeling that an affair is a "one and done" deal for us, but the reality is that when WE are the ones facing the end of our marriage to the person we love, we will often find the ability inside to forgive. So long as we know our spouse is truly remorseful for their actions and never intends to go that route again, of course.


Stay the course. Your story is still young. Keep taking care of yourself and Abby. Continue to keep your wife at arms length while she is deep in to this selfish mode. But all the while, consider how you can make yourself the more attractive choice for her once again. You did it once before. Her current endorphin rush will fade at some point. Let's make sure that there is that attractive, desireable husband and father out there when she comes down from her high.


Blessings,

Bill