maybe I'm just bitter, but when I was blindsighted with the I don't love you speech in feb and he assured me there was no one else, for that month that he was still in the house I did so many 180's it wasn't even funny. he noticed and commented. we had the best sex ever. I defended him to everyone that he could NEVER cheat!
but guess what? the whole time, there WAS an ow, probably going back a few months prior and he has even admitted that he was never thinking of leaving the marriage until he met her. like she "opened his eyes".
so yes, we can try to be better people for the sake of ourselves, but I truly believe after going through this, that the rush (it literally is the same rush as when one gets addicted to a drug), is so intense that we pale by comparison until the "drug" wears off. Now you either have the patience to wait that our or you don't.
for me, he drew the line when he tried to take our daughter from me - that's when I filed. I'm still db'ing but now it's for me and for the sake of better communication for the sake of co-parenting.
he is still in the throws of the affair and at this point, after all the lies and re-writing history, etc, she can have him.
That was what I meant when I first brought this up. I feel like many of the sitchs end up the same way. There was or is a OP involved.
The more time goes on and W hints that she's not "dating" this OM (i think he's a friend w/ benefits) she's actually pushing me away. The point is, I don't want to deal with her until this guy doesn't exist.
PD, I agree. We shouldn't make ourselves more attractive just in response to OM. We should make ourselves more attractive in general. When I met W, I was 175lbs, played sports regularly, cycled and like to go out. She obviously found this attractive. By the end of last year, I was 230lb, never exercised and like to stay home.
Now....I exercise daily (sometimes twice), down to 185lb with goal of 169, I'll playing softball again soon and I'm going out regularly. I'm doing this for me first. If W or someone else notices than so be it. But I'm having fun doing it too.
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
AD - It's taken me time to recognise this also and similarly to MA, I never thought my W would stoop as low as to cheat on me. I encouraged the going out etc before this all kicked off and even accepted she would/was getting chatted up and bought drinks etc as we had agreed in MC and together that we would speak to one another if we met someone before we did anything to be respectful. Well, more fool me !!!
Anyway, babbling about me a bit there, as others said to me and I hated it at the time, the chances are your wife is definately in an EA and quite possibly a PA or will be eventually. I don't believe you can stop this from happening, that is up to your W, but be prepared for it.
The key is that you've made these changes because you realized that it was an area that you had let slip.
My understanding of the DB principles regarding making changes is that they come after some self-evaluation in terms of how we have changed over the years of the relationship.
Let's just be honest. As the years go by, we allow our comfort in the relationship to make us a bit lazy. Eventually there are many things that we begin doing that we didn't used to do. There are equally things that we no longer do that we did used to do. When these things impact our relationship with our spouse by gradually making us become unattractive to them, it only widens the distance between us, particularly when other stresses come in to the relationship.
So when we begin DB'ing, we begin with a look inside ourselves first. We take stock so to speak of who we are and who we've become. We try to identify things that need to be brought back up to snuff, and maybe look at things that would restore OUR attractiveness as a mate.
While our spouse is floundering through whatever they are dealing with, particularly if other people are involved, these changes that we work on serve the dual purpose of making us better people AND giving us something useful to focus our time and efforts on.
The "changes" portion of DB'ing was never intended to make us something we are not, simply to lure our spouse back home. At least that's my opinion. To me that creeps a bit too close to the matter of deception - which by the way is a criticism that some have of DB'ing in general. I always assumed it was simply a case of these people not truly understanding what DB'ing was saying about making changes to yourself.
My perspective gathered over the past couple of years is that there is not alot that we can do to win a spouse BACK. There are, on the other hand, MANY things we can do with our behavior and words to push them even further away. Yet another reason why it is imperative that we find a way to remove ourselves from THEIR drama, focus on ourselves, and get control of US enough that any interactions can be generally positive.
It's a hell of a ride, and a not very pleasant one at that. It takes incredible fortitude to make it through months and years of rejection and betrayal at the hands of the person we shared vows with.
But it can be done. And that's the part that CANNOT be lost when we begin to commiserate about our spouse and their behavior. The DB'ing techniques IMPROVE our chances of NOT pushing them further away, while at the same time INCREASING the chances that they realize just what they are potentially giving up.
In the end it is up to our spouses to complete this journey they are on and find the strength inside to choose to honor the commitment they made to us and our children.
There is a bit of a tone on the site these days that has become darker and more pessimistic. It grieves me a bit to think that perhaps I have contributed to that in some way. My perspective is that of a divorce man who was divorced without much say in the matter, who moved on with his life, and who has found happiness and tranquility again. But let me say just one more time for the record - EVERY effort should be made to save your marriage before throwing in the towel. I believe STRONGLY that you should EARN your right to stand down, and not quit at the first sign of ugliness.
AD, you've had a bad deal from your wife. Infidelity is one of the most difficult things to overcome in a relationship, but keep in mind that MANY, MANY marriages HAVE indeed overcome it and become strong, vibrant marriages again. Most of us have that initial feeling that an affair is a "one and done" deal for us, but the reality is that when WE are the ones facing the end of our marriage to the person we love, we will often find the ability inside to forgive. So long as we know our spouse is truly remorseful for their actions and never intends to go that route again, of course.
Stay the course. Your story is still young. Keep taking care of yourself and Abby. Continue to keep your wife at arms length while she is deep in to this selfish mode. But all the while, consider how you can make yourself the more attractive choice for her once again. You did it once before. Her current endorphin rush will fade at some point. Let's make sure that there is that attractive, desireable husband and father out there when she comes down from her high.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
There is a bit of a tone on the site these days that has become darker and more pessimistic. It grieves me a bit to think that perhaps I have contributed to that in some way.
I've probably contributed to that also. Bworl, I think maybe we've both seen what the other side looks like, we've both been here a long time and seen this story unfold a bunch of times, and if we aren't jaded, I think we are at least realistic. I want success for everyone on here, but despite your best efforts, ultimately it is the walk-away spouses choice to try again. If the marriage can't be saved, I'd like to think that the LBSes were able to feel good about their efforts to improve themselves and did what they could to save their marriages.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
AD I know first hand that marriages can survive infedelity! My father is married to a woman who had an affair on him and got pregnant from this one night stand!! They are still married to this day coming up on 8 years!!
Having to deal with this is a major blow to my PMA and it sucks big time to think my W would even do such a thing. But I always keep in the back of the mind that there are ways to find forgiveness for my W.
Bill, as usual, well said. Actually that is some of your best work. You are right that my story is still young. Do I think I could take my W back if after (let's say) 4-6 months she wants to try? I don't know. But I owe it to me and Abby to get to that point or at least try. So I need to keep my distance, DB, continue on me and of course, continue on Abby.
What have I done today? Signed Abby up for 5yr old soccer, which starts in September, set up her first dentist visit (told W I'd take her), and follow up on her kindergarden/after school program. I feel like I want to focus on Abby's school....I've been really excited about her starting. I also think I'm going to get involved in her school, which is very unlike me but I want to do this. So I've got some short term Abby goals.
Of course I still have my 169.9 lb goal, which a friend has to give me $1k if I get to so that's a focus.
Bill, great post though. Is that copyrighted?
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
Wow! I was just reading my history on here and its almost funny. I kept believing everything my W was telling me and about 95% of it was lies. Haha!
Actually with everything I know now, it really doesn't bother me. Its not her anyway. Somethings I've already forgotten although there was mention that OM was moving to Seattle and getting back with his ex. Wow, those were lines.
Most of it didn't have an effect on me though. And actually I didn't realize just how much has happened. Good times!!
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
Hang in there buddy...remember believe none of what you hear and 1/2 of what you see. I am in the same boat my wife throws lies out like there going out of style!! It makes me laugh inside and hurt at the same time but they arein their owfantasy world, one day it will come to an end, the question for you are you willing to be waiting for her?
For some reason I am in a goofy mood today, today is supposed to be the day that the W speaks to the dreaded L...oooohhhhh!!! I have not heard from her but am not going to let it ruin my mood, the only thing that has dampered my day is I have to work tomorrow There goes the night out tonight but will make up for it tomorrow night, and go to paintball with a massive hangover.
Stay strong AD, I am right here with you, one of these days I am coming to the Bay area and bringing my son and we shall meet up and drink a cold cerveza!!! And the kids can play like no ther!
I'm right there with you. Actually it was more funny reading through those old posts than anything. Definitely, head up to the Bay, we are finally cooling off here.
Here's something interesting, W is calling me regularly for things. Yesterday, she called me at lunch to tell me about a big accident on the freeway that happened right in front of her. She was shaken up a bit. Then later she called and we talked about work and then she put Abby on the line to say goodnight. Today, on her way to Abby's haircut (that I made her go to) she called me to talk about her banking issues. Suddenly I'm at the top of the list....where's OM or friends?
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
There goes the night out tonight but will make up for it tomorrow night, and go to paintball with a massive hangover.