The Longest Journey

[Rob1231]

Hey, SD, chin up - we are here for you. Major hugs! Lots to say today....

So, we're going to Colorado for vacation in a few weeks. Rocky Mountain National Park to be specific. I was the one who pushed for it as I've never been to Colorado.

OK, for starters - W, D, and I went to RMNP several years ago. It was stunningly beautiful - you are going to LOVE it! When things settle down a bit, let's talk in some more detail about the things to do, etc. (I am gonna have to go dig out those photos!)

H has. In fact, the last time H was in Colorado/RMNP was two years ago. Back when we took separate trips, he was deep in his EA with LW, when he came back, read me a letter, and told me he wanted to separate.

It was in RMNP that he did all that deep reflection about our M and came back saying he hadn't missed me and wanted lots of space. When he was calling LW from his vacation, but never called me. Told his mother and her husband (who he was traveling with) that he didn't see us working out.

We are actually going to be there the same dates he was, just two years later.

Hey, SD, you were the one who taught me about using the Big Red STOP Sign when my thoughts went off into the weeds. Well, let me tell you, the time for that is RIGHT NOW.

OK, so two years ago your H was in the grip of a soul-crushing, mind-twisting, perception-skewing MLC. And he went to this fantastic, beautiful place with his parents and moped around for a week, getting depressed and hopeless. Do you really think his goal is to go out and recreate any of that miserable time? I sure don't!

I didn't realize this consciously when I said I wanted to go to the Rockies. I've just always wanted to go, and we're trying to keep it more on the cheap due to the economy. It's a place we can hike and raft, and he can take pictures to his heart's content.

Does it mean anything? Probably not...not really. But sure. There's that idea of closure maybe, of making RMNP a place for US...

Now you're talking! YES, go make this a place that's special for you, and a place that's special for him. Help him ditch any lingering memories of back when he was crazy and depressed, in favor of RMNP being one of the best times the two of you have ever had!

... and not the place he went to get up the nerve to drop me in favor of that frizzy haired LW.

Just to pound the point in one more time - H's MLC was not about LW, ever. It was all about HIM. And now HE wants to go to this place - with YOU.

I wonder why it should even matter to me at this point. I mean, we've been piecing for almost 2 years come September. Things are good with us. Am I just always going to be waiting for a bomb? Able to enjoy my life and M, but with one eye open?

Wow, that question breaks my heart - both because I feel bad for you having to ask it, and because I wonder it myself sometimes. I hear you, SD, and all I can say is, as long as we keep doing the right things for ourselves, and let more time pass and more healing happen, I believe it'll continue to get better. Sometimes, it takes a combination of hope, faith, and elbow grease to make what you hope for come true.

So I wonder if I need to go back to IC and do some more work on me. We have our (theoretically) last MC appointment next week...which makes me nervous too, but we keep struggling for something to talk about. MC was the one who suggested longer times between appointments and making this one the last one. H agrees. I do too...sort of. I wonder if H will just not communicate anymore. I wonder if I'll ever hear the truth like I do in MC.

If it was me, I would make that the number one topic of that final MC session - how do we keep the lines of communication open on our own, without the C to facilitate? Ask the C for tools to help, and ask H to commit to doing so right there in the session.

Most of this is just way too much time to think as I've been out of school now for nearly 3 weeks and still have another 2 months. Some of it is the passing of anniversaries again.

Hmmm, that bit makes me ask - is your GALing and PMAing slipping a bit?

Do any of you wonder when your bomb date and other significant dates will just be that date again? When you won't remember what happened when? It's not like I dwell there...but I notice.

Wow. You just made me realize - the anniversary of my bomb was in June. Slipped past completely without me thinking about it. What's more, I'm not 100% sure what date it was. If that happened for me - well, I think it will happen for you, too.

...

On to topic number two - Planning! Interesting to hear it from "the other side of the gender fence" - particularly as it veers into the Big Topic of Family Planning.

Fight today. Big one.

I'm sitting here wondering if two people can just be incompatible. At some point, ME changing is actually taking away what I want most. If I advocate for what I want, it's in opposition to H's nature.

It's July 4th. Lots of you probably have fun plans with people that you made in advance. Within those plans things might have adjusted or not worked out, but at least you had something to count on. H and his brother have been talking forever about us doing something together today...no specific plans...just yeah, we'll do whatever.

I asked H to get plans in place because it *does* take planning to gather food, etc. I'm not caring what happens--the park, the beach, our condo, etc., but please figure it out.

So yesterday he sort of does. And then, today while I'm out running errands...for today...based on what he told me, he changes it all and we really don't have plans. Now we're going to buy sandwiches, eat them in the park, and then BIL, his girlfriend and a guest are going to ditch us and go tour around. We are permitted to meet up with them for fireworks later...in a ridiculous proposition...because there is no parking at that time of night down by the fireworks and we can actually see them from where we live.

H just won't ever commit to anything, always rolls over for everyone else. All the boys in his family are like this. You might have plans, but they could ditch those plans at any moment and you are just f*cked yourself. Including $$$ wise. His dad has had him buy tickets for him and then canceled at the last minute.

I could have had plans with a friend of mine, but I put my trust in H and his brother. I wish I had just done my own thing...but then what is the point of being married?

Several observations. First, my observation is that people tend to display some of their worst, least considerate, most selfish-and-self-centered behavior when they get together with their families. I think it has to do with sliding back into old patterns we learned when we were kids, something about being around siblings or parents, just brings it out in people. Sad, but I think very true. (I know that I REALLY have to fight against this myself every time we see my folks and brothers!)

Whether this was "family-induced" or not, I do think you are very justified in being upset, and in "calling him on it".

An exercise: If you had this weekend to do over again, what would you do differently to avoid this outcome? Sure, you could say "Ditch H", but let's shoot for something more constructive. Something that will help the NEXT time.

It's about more than this too. I am 38, going to be 39 in August. Back when we were trying to get PG, I had troubles, and then the bomb happened and we put it all on hold. I am feeling the weight of my age...and H still thinks it can happen someday, what's the rush, etc.

I want a child, and my time is running out. Given my history, it's going to take commitment and planning. My M is okay...not great, not bad, just sort of there. And I'm wondering how long I wait for my dreams.

I have thought about telling H I'm going to the sperm bank and having MY child. It's a viable option, and then he isn't legally responsible for it. I know I will regret forever not having a child...and time is ticking...and so I have to decide soon.

Back when my W and I decided to have our D, I'll admit that the whole thing kinda snuck up on me. I am thrilled to be a dad, and wouldn't trade D16 for the world - but not for one minute (until W pinned me on the issue) did I actually sit around thinking that it was "time". From other guys I have talked to, I think this is pretty common. I won't apologize for my whole senseless gender, but it seems like we are just not wired that way to me.

And if your H is like me and my friends, what it will probably take is you sitting him down and saying "It's time to get our family started, Bub." He'll probably resist - all that responsibility is scary, SD, and lots of us idiot men will happily ignore it as long as we are allowed to.

Now, the bad news is, that just ain't fair.

But, the good news is, that most of us DO come around after The Big Baby Planning Talk, and some of us even turn out to be pretty darned good daddies!

I am just overemotional right now. H is off eating stupid sandwiches in the park with his brother, his brother's girlfriend, and their guest. He said he'd be back afterwards, but I really wish he'd just be gone all day.

Did I save this M just because of my ego? For no reason? Because I feel like it's a good thing to be flexible, but not to the point where you break.

SD

Aw, gee, I'm sorry. More (((((hugs)))) for you. You know the drill, right? 48 Hour Rule and all of that. I hope you get past the upset quickly, and these problems start turning around for you soon. Thinking of you!

[Rob1231]

Just checking in, hope you are doing well!

[SDFoundGirl]

((((SD))))
Hugs SD... sorry it's been a tough day for you. It sounds very frustrating. Right now I can only offer hugs and support.

Thanks so much, Julie! I appreciate you checking in on me and offering those positive vibes. Sometimes I think it just helps to know someone else knows and wishes you well.

[SDFoundGirl]

SD...I posted on my thread that, in some ways, the word 'piecing' now is more frightening than 'divorce'. In my own sitch....trust.....the trust....how can that come back?

As for the M...(sigh)....I wish I could give you some advice. I'm not sure that I am equipped to do that since, you are 'ahead' of me in so many ways. I DO know that piecing is hard. I would think that communication is still the most important thing and, just make sure that you are not holding some things in....that your feelings are heard and known.
FIB

FIB--

I actually read that on your thread an almost responded. Yes, piecing is hard. Intimidating. It was so much easier when I blocked out my H and was living a separate life. As my very good friend who does life coaching and meditation type stuff says, of course those guys on the mountain or off in retreats by themselves are able to stay centered and enlightened. They don't have to interact with anyone else!

And you actually gave me some good advice here...yes, I do need to make sure I'm not holding back anything. I don't know if I have been as clear about how important it is to me and my concerns about my age. I definitely need to sit down and talk with him...calmly.

You, my friend, are my hero. You're handling your sitch with such dignity and compassion. You've done far more than anyone should ever have to in your situation.

Thanks!

SD

[SDFoundGirl]

Rob & Jen~

I'll post more tomorrow. H just got home and is hovering, so I don't have the space to do that like I'd planned. Thanks so much for chiming in...you both gave me a lot to think about. More tomorrow!

SD

[Rob1231]

Tomorrow it is! Hugs!

[faithisbelieving]

No need to thank me SD. YOU ARE the one who succeeded here. Hang in. I DO think that once you are in piecing, you need to stay hyper vigilant and work harder, perhaps, more so than during the bomb. I admire you for sticking with it. I hope your H grows to see this.
FIB

[Rob1231]

Hi SD, No pressure, but I just wanted you to know we're thinking of you!

[SDFoundGirl]

LOL. I have actually been feeling guilty about not coming back and posting here more quickly. Can I say that I have taken some advice and ramped up the GAL train? Will that be a good excuse?

So I realized something about that whole July 4 disaster. I put myself in my own hell. I was not detached, and I had expectations for H to do something to make me happy. I listened to what he's asked for, "Tell me what you want," and then added on the bit about how he then had to deliver...which is just not true.

So we've come back and had another discussion about the whole thing, this time in MC. H and his family are just so easy going...and they don't mind having their plans disrupted. I reminded H that not everyone was like them and that sometimes it did matter to me. There was so much I was willing to be flexible about, but having no plans at all was asking for too much.

So the compromise is that if he tells his family it's not big deal, go ahead and flake, then he needs to have a back up plan so the whole day isn't a bust. Or we'll search for a solution together.

Meanwhile, I have been getting back to work on me, remembering that happiness is my own responsibility. My house is SPOTLESS. Not only spotless, beautiful. We've had these frames for forever, and H keeps saying he's going to print out some of his pics for them (H is a brilliant photographer), but then never does. This weekend while he was gone with his dad, I found some art cards I'd purchased a while back and put them in the frames. I bought flowers for myself and had my journaling group over for our session last night. I also (with the help of my journaling gals) decided to keep the paint color in our living room the same, because I truly do love it. We can make it brighter by getting higher wattage track bulbs and painting the ceiling white.

I also fixed up our balcony patio. I found a little chair, hung a bamboo screen, and got some cheap flowering plants to put out there. It's a lovely little oasis.

The key has been to refocus on me, to remember that no one owes me anything. I am my own worst enemy, and I am also responsible for my own happiness.

Pretty good, huh? Still learning...it would be SO much easier if I were just a monk in an ashram somewhere.

SD

[faithisbelieving]

SD..we parallel. I think that is just great. Thru my sitch, I had lost focus and financially, I held back on some little things. I fired the landscaper a coupla weeks ago to save money and know what?

I DID buy flowers and put them in the two front planters. I powerwashed the fence. I put weed killer/fertilzer down since the stuff the landscapers use did doodly squat. I had backed off from being in the backyard because it represented loss and failure to me. Today, it looks beautiful.

I'll miss my home if I have to sell it.

But...like you...I am taking back my life and REFUSE to deprive myself of the small beautiful things that bring peace.

Keep up the good work. I respect you. You've worked so hard.

FIB