toruble on the the lake erie shore...#4!

[pisces9]

yes- watch the negative posters..i actually re-read a lot in advice from wise db'ers and from piecing and success..i try to stay away from the negativity- some people really get off track..i try to help support people bc it helps me too...and we all have our down times but it can get very victim-ish...
i love the quotes....
here is another one:

DO or DO NOT, There is NO TRY- Yoda

[pisces9]

yes- watch the negative posters..i actually re-read a lot in advice from wise db'ers and from piecing and success..i try to stay away from the negativity- some people really get off track..i try to help support people bc it helps me too...and we all have our down times but it can get very victim-ish...
i love the quotes....
here is another one:

DO or DO NOT, There is NO TRY- Yoda

[pisces9]

OMG- so sorry for my 3 posts- i cant delete- yeesh

[Neilh23]

its ok.LOL

so forrest and smartcookie....could you explain what you mean by the chart? I got the concept, but what type of chart would work best? Explain!!!!!!!! please.

so my W is starting to miss the girls more when they're with me. She was really sad when i picked them up yesterday to stay the nite...... I felt bad so i asked if she wanted to have dinner with us...she said no, we have them in a good routine, it would mess them up to see us together for an extended period.....

we're in the process of potty training D2.... she went for the first time on the potty this morning..... texted W....she called to talk to D2....she sounded a little sad.

I sometimes wonder if it's going to make a difference. I hate sharing them, and doubt it would mess them up if we were together. She says they're happier now......which in some ways they are because we both do more with them. I know that this is a typical thought of a WAW (read it somewheres on here) but long term? I doubt it. There are many studies that show that kids have deep and profound implications when their parents D. THe hard part if that my W doesn't really look at those........

thoughts?

[TwinDad]

Hey Neil,

Your W is starting to see the big picture now. It was nice of you to offer her dinner and include her in your daughters achievement. We are in the midst of that as well. My D is completely trained and my S is about 1/2 to 3/4 the way there.

In my sitch, I had noticed for several months leading up to the sep and through the sep my kids

-tended to be more agressive to one another
-played strong favorites to their gender parent (i.e. my S would be mean to my W and my D would be mean to me)
-plenty of temper tantrums (they are almost three, but these were fairly frequent and unexplained)
-very possessive of their gender parent
-very possessive of their toys

Since getting back together their whoel demeanor is 100% better. They were always good kids, but now they are so happy it is almost obnoxious. For the last several weeks they just play and giggle all day and all night. It is like they can see that there is no longer any or very little tension between my W and me. Your kids might be happier now because they are not exposed to this tension. When you two work things out you will likely see an even bigger change.

From your posts it really sounds like you have reached a good state of detachment....it is almost like this is coming natural to you....that is good....it becomes much easier. I also find that without this self imposed pressure, it is actually easier to mend things...you don't feel like you are walking on eggshells as much. I have told myself that if I don't have another R talk then I am ok with it as long as I can see actions

[Neilh23]

alot of the tension went away when the sep papers were signed and the house was officially sold. SO there really is nothing for us to argue about, so that's a plus

the detachment is still tough sometimes. there are days when i want to just call and say hi, but that's where GAL comes in. I still feel like i'm walking on eggshells, but it's not as bad.

I hope you're right about the kids. we both still share alot of information about them.

that's cool about your kids....i know my kids would be happier if/when we're back together, because we both know now what we could lose......and we would be better parents because of it. LOL.

[TwinDad]

that's cool about your kids....i know my kids would be happier if/when we're back together, because we both know now what we could lose......and we would be better parents because of it. LOL.

Yes they will. Also why is there an "if" in your statement...."act as if" buddy, it really helps with the mindset.

There will come a day when you just call to say hi. It might seem a little awkward at first, but just "Act as if" in spite of any awkwardness on your W's part and you will set her at ease with your confidence and interest in her life. The fact that she is hsraing problems in her life with you is great....she still views you as a friend and likely her best friend...she just might feel a little akward about being in that role

[Neilh23]

that's true. sometimes doubt seeps in. that's one of the issues i'm working on...self confidence..and how i can be super confident one minute, and then doubt that anything will change in the next LOL

you're right of course. i'm sure she feels awkward. AGain, i want her to feel comfortable enought to talk to me (one of my goals for the next couple of days/weeks) and its slowly working.

i'm still working on the act as if.... that's probably why i know i'm not ready to jump back in with her... still some issues i need to deal with....

[TwinDad]

Neil,

It is great to be self aware. As far as the awkward part goes, in many ways your W is going to be like your kids. She can sense you might feel not completely confident and is thus hesitant herself just like your kids feed off your emotions.

If you act the part convincingly you will put her at ease, which will make it easier for you. When you are doing this beware of the little "tests" they will through out there to try to trip you up, to see if you are really confident, etc. Let these roll off your back....they are only tests

[Neilh23]

they feed off hers too. I know she's tense and still feels guilty, because they act out more for her...i hear about it alot, but i don't say anything to try and fix it, because the ultimate solution, she doesn't want to hear. That's something she needs to figure out on her own. When she does ask for what they do, i tell her. And usually it's different. For instance, at my W's place, my D2 needs to sleep in the same bed as D3.5. Here, they dont.