Lost, Sorry I haven't been around the last few days, but Pup is giving you some good advise. Let me add a few things from my sitch to maybe give you some props to continue the fight.
My W told me numerous times she wanted a divorce, wanted to separate, etc. Most of those times were after an exposure or a direct confrontation about OM. She even went so far as to send me some financial papers to fill out so she could take them to the lawyer. But each time when I countered with those things Puppy is saying, she changed her mind.
Case in point. She told me back in Feb (after I busted her once again trying to arrange a meet with OM) that "I want a divorce, it's what I want". That's when she sent me the financial papers. I told her "I can't stop you if you want to file for D, but I will countersue on the grounds of adultery, will tell the kids everything, will call you and OM to the witness stand to testify about your relationship and do everything in my power to get custody of the kids and not pay you alimony". And she never went any further.
A couple months later when I discovered her trying to arrange another meet with OM, I exposed to the kids. She wrote me a scathing letter blaming me for everything and telling me that "we're not friends because friends don't treat each other the way you've treated me the last couple months". I replied with a letter that basically laid it on the line. You can read back in one of my previous threads (around the end of Mar/beg of April time frame) for what I said in the letter, but I told her I would take no responsibility for her selfish actions, her choice to bring a 3rd person into our marriage, her decision to cause harm to our kids and family etc all for her own "fantasy" life with OM, and I would be meeting with a lawyer to file for divorce later that week (I did have an appt with a lawyer set up). That's when she caved and agreed to NC with OM. Didn't get the NC letter I wanted, but I was at the point where I didn't really care because if I find out she's talked to him or met him again I'm immediately filing for divorce. Once you get to that point, it allows you to do the things necessary to save your marriage. And like Pup says, a lot of it is contrary to what you think you should be doing.
It was pretty rough going for probably 2.5 months after that. And Puppy is right, you have to stay on message. You're fighting for what is RIGHT, can't stop her from doing what she wants to do, but you'll not make it easy on her. But lo and behold, we seem to be moving in the right direction. You can read the happenings of the last 3 weeks in my sitch, but I see real progress. Still a long, long way to go, but we seem to be headed in the right direction.
Just hang tough. The chit storm after exposure is tough to deal with. Just keep thinking to yourself that you're the one that has separated the addict from her drug (OM), and you're going to take the worst of it. But that's ok, because you KNOW where the anger is coming from. Just detach from it. Don't bring up any R talk. Let her clean up her own mess. It just takes time.
Can't promise it will end up the way you want, but this is the only way you have a chance.
Like Pup says, You're fighting the good fight. In the end, hopefully she'll thank you for what you've done, even though she can't see it right now.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
