WAW is full steam ahead

[Neilh23]

you're right, it can't do anymore harm, plus it will prevent you from doing anymore damage by talking.

For nothing else, you gotta be strong for your kids. My W is the same way...it's gotta be done NOW. She got super pissed because it took me so long to get to the point where i could sign the sep papers. She said i was still controlling her life. They say so many things when they are scared and hurt, that it doesn't really matter.

Go dark. Don't talk or acknowledge her. ONly if its about the kids. It's hard. I couldn't do it..... but i wish i had. Perhaps i wouldn't be in this place right now. It's the space thing.

BE strong for the kids

[LosingSunshine]

So I tried going dark and it lasted 4 hours. After work, furing dinner, and getting the kids ready for bed was easy. I left to go read, came home, tucked daughter in and went to my room. W came in and wanted to talk about key points for mediation:custody, alimony, cs, childcare and the money. She's not out to get me and we agreed on everything. She even agreed to coparenting counseling. Once again I felt trapped as it was have this discussion or get served, which would lead to no good.

So unleash the 2x4s if need be. I do feel more at ease and finding it easier to detach. W is surprised how unlike me that I am. She asid that she was scared and afraid that I either would not talk or would be angry. Does this help me? She decided not to push for full custody because of my changes so that's good right?

Lot's of validation and listening in the talk and I told her I just want her happy even if that means is getting a D. She teared at that point as I almost did too.
I am torn as to whether I should have allowed the talk but felt damned either way.

She did say she wanted to talk about other things tomorrow if I am around and I said sure as long as it is non d related. I feel she is holding back something and that the talks last night and tonight had to happen first. Guess i'll find out but maybe it's nothing.

The other complicating factor in this is that she might be having questions about her sexuality. I can't confront her about this, at least yet, and feel that if time was on my side, things could work out. I don't want to throw in the towel but don't know how this impacts everything. Is it similar to Om issues, mlc issues...just don't know and could use some thoughts on this.

[Virtually_Handsome]

I don't think you earn any 2x4s for that. You didn't start it, and it wasn't even really an R talk!

I wish I could help with your last question. I have the same thoughts about my W. But, saying anything wouldn't help, and would probably be a disaster!

[Neilh23]

its good she noticed the 'darkness" keep it up, as difficult as it seems.

don't worry, since she initiated the discussion. and don't just agree to anything.....think it over....tell her you need some time to digest the information.

i wouldn't say anything......unless you can somehow bring it up nonchalantly. now that, i can't tell you how to do.

good luck

[LosingSunshine]

Thx DH and Neil!!! All of the words and advice are much appreciated.

After the talk I reflected a bit and felt it was good that she has noticed the changes and it has had a positive impact albeit not the exact one I was hoping for. Also, knowing my W, these last two talks probably eliminated a lot of fear and hopefully will fee up some of her thinking time to focus on other aspects. She did at one point towards the end last night say that she has some thinking to do about everything. I asked about what and she didn't say anything. Maybe SC, Sandi, Bridge or any other WAW can shed some light here.

So, here I am keeping focus on myself when I can and keeping focus and staying strong for the kids...trying not to worry about W setting up a date to begin mediation.

I was somewhat gray this am and will be dark tonight.

I am also going to revisit my goals today as the sitch has taken a turn for the worse. It's just right now, given everything I feel that I should go dark, do mediation, get the D and wait and hope that eventually the fog lifts sometime in the boy so distant future.

[Phoenixdeux]

There is a chance that she'll tell you she's been experimenting. Of course, that's cheating also.

You asked about boundaries....would you let her bring her bf over? Then her lesbian lovers aren't allowed over either. I guess you'll just have to wait and see what she says. I guess you should consider what you think about worst case scenario..she's cheating on you with OW. What is your stance? I don't recommend that it be you are fine with it, but don't fly into a rage either. I'd probably shoot for being calm and collected, but stern and ready to kick her butt out. Hopefully for you infidelity is a boundary that you don't tolerate her crossing. But that's cart before the horse. It would be unusual for a spouse to admit an affair...but just wanted you to prepare yourself mentally.

Having the other talks, especially about details surrounding child support, etc, is perfectly permissible. Just handle it calmly and rationally, like a business transaction, and keep emotions out of it.

Lastly, yes, get your own checking account. Time to separate out finances and cancel joint credit cards. It's also reasonable to expect that she won't go out every night and party. Personally, I wouldn't say anything about it, but document every night she goes out and when she comes home. It will show who has been the responsible caregiver should it come down to who gets physical custody.

Just some food for thought

[LosingSunshine]

Thx Phx! The major reason I wanted to establish the no friends in the house rule was for that reason. I have no clue what exactly is goin g but don't have the warm fuzzies about it either.

We'll see if she does talk with me tonight about something. e

[LosingSunshine]

Heard a sad song driving to my other office after a meeting. Had to let go of some tears and pull myself together. I never really imagined that I could let something so precious and dear to me, slip away and become so confused. I hope after these tears I can channel that energy into detaching from the W, lovingly of course.

Still thinking about the convo's of the last two nights. How scared and fearful she was of what she thought my reaction would be and the relief felt when it was the opposite. Not accomodating but not angry...almost indifferent.

Does anyone know if her fear of my reaction could be part of the fog she's been in? Obviously not entirely, but a little?

I was intently watching her during the conversations, and listening empathatically and validating, and she started the convo's from a position of power I guess but during the talks, her mood changed to being scared, tearful etc...I know these things are emotional in nature and don't want to read to much into it. Just interesting.

She also brought up last night how some of the things I said Tuesday made her feel guilty. I told her that was not my intention, I was just bringing some things up because she should know. She was relieved that it was not my intention to make her feel guilty and thanked me for that.

Another interesting thing she brought up is how she's been telling me where's she's going to be when she leaves and I haven't. I thanked her for letting me know and reminded her that she doesn't need to and said that I have just been out and about. Not reading to much into that, I know she's interested but not going to read it as a positive statement unless she starts asking again.

So, she doesn't want me to be angry but does desperately want me to accept this (why won't you, what must I do for you to accept etc...). She doesn't want to feel guilt for this decision and just wants to move forward because she can't be happy, so she thinks, while she's still married and hates living downstairs in the spare bedroom.

Another question...I know this is one tight rope to walk and I have basically a few months before things are finalized. She did say she will be going to IC to deal with her issues but is still anti MC. She also said she would do the coparenting counseling, as long as it is not christian based. I plan on going dark for awhile, to the best that I can, but am confused as to whether I should be available for her to talk to me? Should I avoid all convo's with her now as there really isn't any reason except for the kids? MWD talks about the LLRT in infidelity and whereas I have no proof of OW, do I employ this eventually?

My goals right now need to be revised to really small baby steps. I am thinking the following:

W comes with me and kids to daycare picnic next week.
W stops talking about D when we do talk (nothing much more to talk about right?), first shot is tonight.
W smiles at me, compliments me, asks me how my day has been
W spends more time with kids and at house (I know I should let her do whatever but should it be viewed as a positive if she's choosing family over crazy lifestyle?)

My personal goals are to
Get out of depresso funk from the past two days and channel that energy into PMA.
Continue with 180s. She noticed...no custody fight.
Stop smoking soon, really soon.
Expand GAL into a group activity or something to meet new people or try new things.
Keep focus and strength for kids.

[LosingSunshine]

Heard a sad song driving to my other office after a meeting. Had to let go of some tears and pull myself together. I never really imagined that I could let something so precious and dear to me, slip away and become so confused. I hope after these tears I can channel that energy into detaching from the W, lovingly of course.

Still thinking about the convo's of the last two nights. How scared and fearful she was of what she thought my reaction would be and the relief felt when it was the opposite. Not accomodating but not angry...almost indifferent.

Does anyone know if her fear of my reaction could be part of the fog she's been in? Obviously not entirely, but a little?

I was intently watching her during the conversations, and listening empathatically and validating, and she started the convo's from a position of power I guess but during the talks, her mood changed to being scared, tearful etc...I know these things are emotional in nature and don't want to read to much into it. Just interesting.

She also brought up last night how some of the things I said Tuesday made her feel guilty. I told her that was not my intention, I was just bringing some things up because she should know. She was relieved that it was not my intention to make her feel guilty and thanked me for that.

Another interesting thing she brought up is how she's been telling me where's she's going to be when she leaves and I haven't. I thanked her for letting me know and reminded her that she doesn't need to and said that I have just been out and about. Not reading to much into that, I know she's interested but not going to read it as a positive statement unless she starts asking again.

So, she doesn't want me to be angry but does desperately want me to accept this (why won't you, what must I do for you to accept etc...). She doesn't want to feel guilt for this decision and just wants to move forward because she can't be happy, so she thinks, while she's still married and hates living downstairs in the spare bedroom.

Another question...I know this is one tight rope to walk and I have basically a few months before things are finalized. She did say she will be going to IC to deal with her issues but is still anti MC. She also said she would do the coparenting counseling, as long as it is not christian based. I plan on going dark for awhile, to the best that I can, but am confused as to whether I should be available for her to talk to me? Should I avoid all convo's with her now as there really isn't any reason except for the kids? MWD talks about the LLRT in infidelity and whereas I have no proof of OW, do I employ this eventually?

My goals right now need to be revised to really small baby steps. I am thinking the following:

W comes with me and kids to daycare picnic next week.
W stops talking about D when we do talk (nothing much more to talk about right?), first shot is tonight.
W smiles at me, compliments me, asks me how my day has been
W spends more time with kids and at house (I know I should let her do whatever but should it be viewed as a positive if she's choosing family over crazy lifestyle?)

My personal goals are to
Get out of depresso funk from the past two days and channel that energy into PMA.
Continue with 180s. She noticed...no custody fight.
Stop smoking soon, really soon.
Expand GAL into a group activity or something to meet new people or try new things.
Keep focus and strength for kids.

[Neilh23]

hey..

i honestly think those goals with your W are too big. Start smaller. Forrest gave me a good one..... "I want to make my W smile" that's one i want to do all the time when i see her now.

i would avoid any convos with her unless they are about the kids. By talking about it 3 days in a row, it only reinforces her feelings, and doesn't give either of you a chance to think. I know its tough. AT the beginning of my sitch, my W and I talked about those things almost every day. We tried not to, but it still happened. From my experience, don't talk about it.

i think your personal goals are good..... GAL is super important.

and it's ok to get upset. I do still. You can't help it. I feel the same way....how i could ruin something so great by my actions. NOw understand, it took two of you to get to this point. She made mistakes too. The hard part is to "own" your mistakes and correct them.

Its good that she's going to see an IC. Don't worry about the MC... coparenting counseling is a good first step.

As forrest says, find do what works. you need to find something that will help when the pain comes...an escape if oyu will.

Look on other people's sitchs. Good ideas. You'll find yours.