i'm clueless....

[Dom R]

I am never bothered by people questioning what I say to them. I'm always happy to explain why I have said something, or give more details if I'm unclear

...

You are convinced that my girls aren't suffering at all.

not at all. i do not make that assumption.
I am merely saying that you cant 'fix that'. or at least not right now. you gotta focus on your #1 priority first: your marriage. Fix THAT first, and then your children's issues will become a whole lot easier to help afterwards.

Until that time, you might try to protect them or divert them, or just encourage them to be not around "dad" as much, if he doesnt seem to want them around him.

meanwhile... back to YOUR stuff...

Here's the problem you face: you need to become "alpha dog" for matters of relationship issues.

I know it needs to be, but this just isn't me. I'm trying to be stronger about stuff, but i won't yell and scream with him. Mentally, i can't handle it. I completely breakdown. I'm the only one doing anything in this R anymore, so i don't know what else i'm supposed to do. Maybe you could elaborate cause i dont' think i get exactly what you mean here. I can't change him or make him be different. he has to want to change and make the changes himself.

Yup. you're right. he has to realize what changes he needs to make, and why he needs to make them.
Right now, I think he believes that he does not have to make any changes... because you will eventually give up and do everything he says. (or close enough for his liking)

So... since you asked... here's what I think you need to do.

First, the basis for what I'm saying:
A divorce, would get him to change. The most stubborn man, will be changed by a divorce thrown in his face, when it becomes a reality, rather than "just a threat".

The main problem with things like this, is that usually, by the time the woman gets to that point, she doesnt care about his changes, and just wants out.

So, lets look at this strategically:
If you are prepared to do [X, Y, and Z] eventually, if you were divorced... you can do them now, before you are divorced, too, and it will have almost as big an impact on him.
No yelling required.
Yelling and screaming CAN get through to a man, sometimes but if you really cant do that... quiet action can, also.

The most important thing, is to let him know, up front, cooly and calmly, exactly what you need to see from him.
As I keep stressing, this needs to be specific actions.
It's tough to make "specific actions", about him talking disrespectfully to you, i admit... that's an exception. You MUST confront hiim when he does that. No way around that. That doesnt mean yelling, though.
What he has to do on his part, is listen to you when you confront him. If he doesnt, that becomes part of his "required actions" that you demand.

if he does not agree to do these things you ask him.. things that you should get a second opinion on, that they are all reasonable things to expect from a husband... then... you start cutting him out of your life.

Stop eating with him. Play with the children separately.
Ask him for nothing. Pretend that you are on your own, post-divorce, and you look after yourself. Pretend that he almost doesnt exist.
Still talk to him, sure. but when you make plans... make them without him. and make plans to be out of the house as much as possible.

After a month of this, if you dont see some kind of reaction/willingness to give you respect, and negotiate with you... stop sleeping in the same room with him.

A month after that, if no progress... start thinking of moving out for a while.


also, DO NOT SETTLE for breadcrumbs.
Make sure that he really gets committed to FULLY meeting your needs, before you reverse things.


This is really tough stuff, as I said. It will take tremendous willpower to see this through, given your previous patterns with you.

It's basically stepping one bit at a time towards a divorce. without actually "going there".
Because once you "go there", it's 10 times as hard to patch things up.

both from his side, and from your side.
Once you prepare yourself for a real divorce, I think you will be even less desirous of mending things, than you are already. And that's saying something, I know

[HopefulSorrow]

Wow ann I just spent close to 3 hours reading this entire thread and would like to say how somewhat I see myself in your husband's shoes(i know that doesnt sound good for me)but I am cursed with being male. I would just like to say also that seeing as how similar he is to me, if you did take dom's advice and move out for a bit(like a trial seperation) it really would do wonders on him. I know it has for me, when my wife moved out and said she wanted a divorce, I wanted nothing more than to work on the R/M more passionately than I ever have wanted anything before in the past.

I understood what dom is trying to say also about how your little girl's will be worse off post-divorce, yes he may not be treating them very well at all right now, but going through a divorce will throw a lot more "scary" people at them that you cant protect them from who just want to divy them up like they're nothing more than good china. So still think seriously about whether, even though they are being treated bad, that putting them through that wouldnt be worse and would last a hell of a lot longer(their whole lives)

See I can really compare myself to him alot cause he seems as hardheaded/stubborn as I am, and it takes a great emotional shock to finally make me open my eyes and step out of my protective bubble that I've gotten used to. If talking isnt working with him then do a more drastic action, besides it does seem like hes not a talker but one that learns by actions.

I know I may not be providing much help but I hope that at least I could help in someway.

God does love you and wants nothing more than to keep your family together, but your the one who has to do all the work. Good luck

[HopefulSorrow]

Wow ann I just spent close to 3 hours reading this entire thread and would like to say how somewhat I see myself in your husband's shoes(i know that doesnt sound good for me)but I am cursed with being male. I would just like to say also that seeing as how similar he is to me, if you did take dom's advice and move out for a bit(like a trial seperation) it really would do wonders on him. I know it has for me, when my wife moved out and said she wanted a divorce, I wanted nothing more than to work on the R/M more passionately than I ever have wanted anything before in the past.

I understood what dom is trying to say also about how your little girl's will be worse off post-divorce, yes he may not be treating them very well at all right now, but going through a divorce will throw a lot more "scary" people at them that you cant protect them from who just want to divy them up like they're nothing more than good china. So still think seriously about whether, even though they are being treated bad, that putting them through that wouldnt be worse and would last a hell of a lot longer(their whole lives)

See I can really compare myself to him alot cause he seems as hardheaded/stubborn as I am, and it takes a great emotional shock to finally make me open my eyes and step out of my protective bubble that I've gotten used to. If talking isnt working with him then do a more drastic action, besides it does seem like hes not a talker but one that learns by actions.

I know I may not be providing much help but I hope that at least I could help in someway.

God does love you and wants nothing more than to keep your family together, but your the one who has to do all the work. Good luck

[sgctxok]

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