Sometimes holding everything in is a mask of calm.
Right now I can't think of sitting across from spouse as an adversary who abruptly left, creating an upheaval in my life and chaos for his kids. None of this makes sense to me.
And yet.. it is what it is.
Is me not wanting to talk to him in that situation denial, avoidance or protecting myself?
Keep moving forward.. love who you are. The rest will follow.
THis is just what I needed to see this middle-of-the-nighttime. Now I'm going to hold on to it, and try to coax sleep back. Will catch up more with you in the daylight.
It's counterproductive to dreg through the past, thinking... "What if..?", "When.."
This morning I had a lightbulb moment.
After severe health issues six and eight years into our marriage when my support and caring were instrumental in his healing, he pulled away, never wanting to acknowledge he needed me... that he'd been emotionally and mentally dependent on me. He shut me off.
When I'd ask him about it he'd deny it. When I would look for validation, he'd tell me I was all wrong.
He pulled away. It took me years to realize I was angry.
Before the bomb I brought it up.. how I'd felt him pull away, how I'd left work to care for our son and be there for him. He told me it was nothing like that and I was wrong. Every other time, whatever he said I believed. It was me, it was my fault.
I realize now that when my BS meter turns on, something's there.
I can't do anything about the past.
I can walk forward.. and listen within when something doesn't feel 'right'.
From what I can tell, spouse's lawyer is doing a good job of keeping him in check.
Well, I hope that's a correct assumption on your part. Knowing how D L's are..I would say the dog has not been turned loose yet..meaning your spouse has not let the L(dog)out yet. These things stay pretty friendly until one spouse or the other turns one of the dogs loose..then the fur starts flying. Hopefully your's can be amicable.
Quote:
Perhaps by the time it gets to the four person thing I just won't care anymore.
You probably won't care about some things. You should care about protecting yourself.
Hope you got your dog well trained to the heel and ready to attack if needed.
In the end there is a phrase she whispers "to be given everything, you have to give everything up"
In the deep
Thought you had all the answers to rest your heart upon. But something happens, don't see it coming, now you can't stop yourself. Now you're out there swimming... In the deep. In the deep.
Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles till you... Let go. Till you shed your pride, and you climb to heaven, and you throw yourself off. Now you're out there spinning... In the deep. In the deep. In the deep. In the deep.
And now you're out there spinning... And now you're out there spinning... In the deep. In the deep. In the deep.
In the silence, all your secrets, will raise their worried heads. Well, you can pin yourself back together, to who you thought you were. Now you're out there livin'... In the deep. In the deep. In the deep.
In the deep...
Now you're out there spinning... Now you're out there swimming... Now you're out there spinning... In the deep...
Ah, Bird York. Her music is beautiful. A favorite of mine is "Lovely Thing". I didn't find a YouTube video. The lyrics are full of joy, something we all need more of:
drunk on a morning sky it's the kind of day you wanna wrap your arms around watching the white birds fly as they circle up and float in space preaching their religion without a sound and I'm bursting with everything and I'm light as a cloud
'cause Love is filling me up it's taking the edges off my heart and Love just won't let me be I'm floating just like a leaf in it's stream what a lovely thing
and I know the world's gone mad crazy with greed but I can't fix it all today 'cause my rollercoaster heart is climbing up it's track oh yeah and there ain't a damn thing in it's way and I'm stupid with aimless glee and I'm talking to the trees
'cause Love is filling me up it's taking the edges off my heart and Love just won't let me be I'm floating just like a leaf in it's stream what a lovely thing
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
