Hi SC - I agree with Lodo - you don't want to empower him too much in your heart - and that letter sounds like it's taking power away from you and handing it back to him. I would be more inclined to mourn for him - and the father he never was.
I am not interested in making "amends". Please do not contact me again. Leave me and my family alone. >>
Maybe without the first sentence, even. From what I understand you don't have to justify or explain anything to him. I put in "please", just 'cause I'm a nice guy!
My entire life I hoped he'd apologize, & become a father. Now to close that door feels right, but still painful.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Well, in that case, I'd spend a little time and make it less reactionary. Don't lash out - find apathy. You don't want him controlling your emotions, you just want to do what's best for you. Don't let him control you - recognize him as someone beneath you who doesn't deserve your time. As others have said, the opposite of love isn't anger, it's indifference.
IMO. lodo
I was hoping you'd respond. I even asked you specifically in a place that shall remain nameless.
How would you word it, so that it shows indifference ?
SC - I love the stories, they are great when from yourself as we all think we are to far gone, but your stories may ring bells. Put em in, they may even help you. But it's your choice obv.
I'm sorry your father is back in touch, you gotta do what you gotta do and I would discuss the letter (if you decide that approach) with both your H and your C. We here can suggest what to put, but I don't honestly think we can know what is anywhere near close to appropriate.
God I so want to scream I don't F***ing care about how you feel sometimes. But, his feelings have blown my world apart.
The baby steps are really seeming huge this morning. I'm so glad I have all of you to turn to. Otherwise I would be alone in a pity pool.
I have to find the strength to DB. Its one of those days that I can only handle in 5 minute increments, I'm afraid.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Good Morning All. Two days of posting here and I'd be priveleged if you'd let me call you friends.
Smartcookie, I've written those type letters in my head many many times. In my case, my father was very domineering, frustrated in his own marraige, verbally abusive and would use his screaming at us as a way to make himself feel better. Each morning was a challenge to walk down the stairs and have to accept his anger for an hour or so, only to watch him walk away whistling because he unburdened himself on me. His own divorce and a stroke finally changed him, but after all those years of being beaten down I was too far gone.
In this case, my advice would be to take the road that best serves you and your emotional health, dont say anything that could cause you pain in the future. Write the hateful letter, as long as you can, and mail it to yourself, when it arrives, throw it away without opening it.
For the real letter I'd say: "I understand your need to try to make amends and unburden your guilt. But this is for you, you must do it on your own. Please do not try to involve me, you are not welcome."
and you are absolutely right, i think the sobbing session was helpful for her, yesterday was a very nice day. a couple of long conversations where i worked my butt off to validate, show complete attention, DB, etc. Today I'm hopeful but realize that it was only one good day in a row, theres so much in her i dont see yet. Had my first DB coaching session last night which was also helpful.
Have a wonderful day everyone, you deserve it. As black as it gets, you have so many friends here pulling for you.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
