I know my W felt suffocated, to the point she was shaking like a leaf. And this happened after I'd steered clear of her all day. So I don't know where those feelings come from, but they're strong and hard to control.
That said, a month ago I was feeling overwhelmed with a work project and schoolwork and my sitch and all of a sudden I was just trembling and could think of nothing but just running and running and never stopping. I felt like screaming but couldn't even get that out. I didn't know where to turn.
That may be a bit extreme, but I wonder if that's how it is for you - you want to be a certain way, but these primal reactions well up inside you and overwhelm your rational capacities. If that is the case, it may just take time. Maybe it's a way we've pre-programmed ourselves to be and then suddenly that programming is totally unacceptable? But we can't just change it overnight - it's still there.
I don't know. Maybe I should just let you know that I hear your frustration and confusion. It's hard and there never is a clear answer, but you're a good person by exploring the issues before deciding on any one particular path.
