Mulesqb - Can the sun shine on a donkey's a$$?

[mulesqb]

Hey Bill - First of all - i wanted to thank you for taking time on your honeymoon to check in on me. I'm very appreciative of that. It speaks volumes to me as to the type of person you are , although I already knew that from the last two months of being here. I hope you are enjoying marital bliss right now and will for the rest of your life.

My S14's "going off" included him telling my W that she is selfish for taking a 20 minute pi$$ when he had to leave and that all she cares about is herself. Completely out of line in my book. I think my W's punishment was harsh but as you know she is a little on edge right now. So I just supported her.
Thanks for the reminder - I have been in a pretty good state since she decided she can't go through with a sep right now. But it is weird. She treats me normal at times but there is no intimacy at all. I miss the hell out of that part of our R. And I'm not necessarily talking sexual intimacy - although that is now 3 + months and is very difficult, but I'll manage.

Right now I miss the little things - how we use to snuggle when we came home from being out and were tired - we made it a point to lay on the floor once a day and hug and kiss, the phone calls at work (I miss them as much as anything right now - my days feel empty without them - she had NO IDEA how much they meant to me), the constant ILY's from both of us, the massages, the jokes (she would laugh at every one of them), the sneaking up behind each other and pinching the behinds - and most of all the friendship and reliability of the one person on the planet that knew all my strengths and weaknesses, knew how to make me feel better if I was having a bad day, understood that I can't stay mad at anyone I love for more than a half hour and supported me unconditionally in anything I did even when i knew I was wrong. I wonder at times if I will ever see her again in that vain. The thought that I might not is what makes me cry, what keeps me up at night. I wonder if I will ever hear her tell me that she loves me again - the thought that she doesn't anymore tears my insides up - makes me think that all is not right in the world and that this can't be happening. Somedays I wake up and say to myself that this can't be real - somebody is just playing a cruel joke on me and my family and she'll be home there waiting for me to come through the door so we can talk about each other's day.

I know I should be out more Getting a Life - but the cold hard truth is that she and the boys are my life. It's always been that way. When your that close to someone - getting a life means changing the way you breathe. How do you really do that??? Sometimes i look at her face and I know the person I love isn't showing on the outside, but I know she is still buried deep in there. I don't believe the words that come out of her mouth regarding her feelings for me. No human being can just shut off 22 years like that.

As I write this with tears in my eyes she is downstairs at cold on a recliner. I want to go down there and hug and tell her how much I miss her and our life together. But I can't.

So tonight I'll leave it at that - it felt good to get these words out - because they have been on my mind the last few days. I keep telling myself if the bond we had for 22 years was real - somehow - she will find her way out of this and back to me. And I'll wait here for it - for as long as my heart can take it. I'm a strong willed 41 year old man in very good shape - but this sitch can make me weep like an infant. That's it for now - I'm going to have a good cry tonight - and tomorrow it's back to work - Dbing.