State of Mind

[BeingMe]

With C, and with me alone, he just agrees with me that we have a problem, but can't explain why it is so --- points out that he is affectionate with hugging, and kissing hullo/goodbye, and saying ILY's. I think he thinks this should be enough. Can't he see how rejected I may feel after 3 years of barely any romance --- just like he says he felt for the times I was LD? He doesn't seem to have empathy in that regard. A couple of years ago, he did say that perhaps he is depressed (but, won't see a C, because he doesn't have time, or the inclination), or maybe he wants me to see that we can have a R without his demanding sex. He didn't quite put it that way, but that is how I understood it, and he hasn't said that again. And, I certainly didn't think it would go on this long. He listens to me, agrees with me, and then does nothing. Pretty much how he used to deal with his mom --- he will listen, agree, and go and do whatever he wanted. I, however, am not his mother, and don't appreciate this kind of treatment. It is so frustrating because he is generous, a good provider, friendly, affectionate to a degree, supports my going back to school, a good dad, but we still have this King Kong sitting on our bed every night he is home.

I just don't know what else to do, or even if I really want to do anything. Maybe, he is hoping I will just give up and leave the M, and he will come out looking like the victim, and so it won't look so bad if he gets together with OW then (if she is still on the scene). I think this, sometimes, because it all seems so contrived --- making sure he hugs me, greets me with the usual kiss, takes me out on our usual date, phones me a few times a day (for like a minute to ask how things are, and then rushes off to a meeting, or to do his laundry, or to dinner, or time to go to bed --- seldom do we really chat about anything, unless it's a work concern, or about one of the kids), and rushes around doing stuff around the house on the weekend (which is nice, but he barely takes a minute to relax with me --- it's like he has to have every minute busy with something, and then he's exhausted by bed-time and is sound asleep by the time I come to bed). There is nothing spontaneous, or really loving, sharing our feelings type of stuff happening.

As I am typing this, I can sense that I am just wasting my time with him. He is not a stupid man, so he must know what he is doing, and what it could be doing to me --- I feel like it's purposeful. It is pointless talking to him, he says little in counselling, and won't discuss anything with me (not our R, not our financial stuff, or anything that truly concerns me). I feel like I am allowing myself to lose ME in this M, and I don't want to do that again. It always comes down to what he wants, his career, what he wants to do (like going biking) --- it's never confrontational, but done in such a way, that you feel a fool not going along with him, or somehow it was all your idea too.

Ugh, ugh, ugh!!!! I like him, but I don't trust him, and I don't think I really love him anymore. I do care about him, though. He is the father of my children, and for that, I will always be grateful, but I just feel dead inside when I think about him in a romantic way. I am just going through the motions. I think he's left it too late ... too much water under the bridge, and I cannot do this much longer. I don't even want to ML with him anymore anyway, so it really is a moot point at this moment --- ML that is, or any kind of romance with him or anyone else --- that door is shut for now.

Maybe I am just looney, and expecting too much? I am just really tired of it all, and wish I could be in charge of my own destiny and not sharing it with someone who really doesn't seem to want the kind of M I want. The hope and expectation for a better M is gone --- what more is there left to fight for?

Thanks for reading my rant, if you got this far! And, thanks for your thoughts, Phoenix. If you are confused by my H, you can just imagine how confused I am. Head spinning stuff!