Hi all. Time for a new thread before my old one gets locked up. I will repost my summary here as I sometimes refer newcomers to my thread to read it – those of you who already know me can skip right ahead to the second post. Previous threads - Valentine's Day - is it a Massacre?
Valentine's Day - the Happy Ending My story: I'm 46, H 42, married 18 yrs. together 20, 3 kids S16 D12 S11. Backstory - night before our wedding old girlfriend seduces H. He spends next six months mooning over her and wondering if he made right choice. I know nothing until I find his journals six months into the marriage. Try to throw him out but he pleads. Eventually after I move to another city to continue my education he decides to recommit to marriage. We are happy, start family, life is good.
8 years ago I develop overactive thyroid, become spacy, loss of athletic capabilities, fatigue, gain 20 lbs.,etc. For various reasons pursue somewhat ineffective course of treatment until 3 years ago, disease flares up and am too fatigued and confused to continue working. Give up and take drugs for it (which have small risk of fatal disease). Numbers look normal but I never feel normal. After two years on drugs, make decision to kill off thyroid with radioactive iodine, become severely low thyroid after, takes 6 months to get thyroid replacement dose adjusted to proper level. Start feeling normal Nov. 2002.
H initiates MC 2 years ago. We go weekly but sessions seem focused on all his dissatisfactions with me and our mutual childhood abandonment issues (my father died, his mother left family in MLC). Things get worse.
Nov. 2002 - I'm finally starting to feel better. I find Michele's book. 2 days later H drops the bomb, ILYBINILWY. Spend November and December DBing madly. Because of improvement in thyroid condition am now able to work out and lose 20 lbs.H gradually warms up to me sexually, still no ILY's.
Dec. 29 - H wakes up early to "journal" then go surfing. Actually says ILY for first time as he leaves. Then I find his journal writings on the computer and discover: he started an affair one week after saying ILYBINILWY with a girl he had just met a couple weeks before. While we were on ski vacation before Christmas and having a great time together, he was still getting up and writing fantasies about happy second marriage with OW. H is planning separation. Kids find out, H comes home to tears and devastation all around. H tells me affair ended Thanksgiving weekend and OW moved out of town 2 weeks ago.
Dec. 30 - I announce to the board my intention to climb Mt. Whitney - to give me a goal to focus on outside the marriage and to celebrate my return to physical health.
January 2003 - H becomes very depressed after affair is discovered and seeks immediate psych visit - started on Prozac and individual counseling. Spends first three weeks of January very depressed - my concern for him overrides all else.
Last week in January, H still plans to move out Feb. 15, but starts to argue with me about child custody arrangements. I offer extremely generous visitation and buy myself a new bed because I don't want to sleep in old one with his memories when he's gone. Arrange for Feb 13th delivery.
Last weekend in January I go out of town on business trip with him for 2 days - seems a little better. H has insight with counselor about "longing", about how keeping one toe out the door in our marriage in case that "perfect" woman came along was a defense mechanism against the possibility of me abandoning him.
Next weekend - H actually feels happy! Is prozac kicking in or are insights from individual therapy kicking in? Unbeknownst to me, OW has been calling and emailing him throughout this past month. He is still drawn to the fantasy but starting to recognize her manipulative and self-centered side.
Second week of February - H informs apartment manager he is not moving in. Buys me red roses for Valentine's day and writes me a beautiful poem. Tells me ILY for Valentine's Day. We sleep together in my new bed. We go camping that weekend with kids and have a marvelous time.
Rest of Feb. - OW is still contacting H although he has asked her (not very forcefully) to stop. H finally tells me all this. Things between us are improving. He decides to write her a definitive "Don't contact me anymore" email but dawdles over it for over a week. I finally lose my patience just as he's coming to peace with the whole thing and letting go. We work it out. Go away on business trip together and ride hot air balloon over the desert.
March - I get my permits to climb Mt. Whitney. H is going to be my guide. We're both excited. I love him and he loves me. R is better than ever. He appreciates my strength and unconditional love when he was so confused. I know I wouldn't be here if not for Michele's books and the love and support of everyone here on the board.
June – we climb Mt. Whitney together! Our love is strong, although there are still issues to work through, but we are learning how to be more productive in how we deal with them.
Well -that's it. Unfortunately my original postings all got erased one day by accident, so I had to start using a different account, but I used to post as toughenoughforlove. I think most of February is in the Valentine’s Day – is it a massacre? thread.
Post Game Analysis What I did right: Act As IF - glass of wine, dancing in the kitchen to Tom Petty with beautiful meal prepared every night when H returned home - tried to stop reacting to his moods and just be in good mood myself.
Notes - kept index card with note in pocket - 180, act as if, do something different
Beginner's mind - let go of preconceived notions and tried to approach everything with a "why not?" attitude. This was also a 180 for me.
Validate, validate, validate - thank you Soup. Tried not to present my side but just validate what H was saying. Hardest thing I did but one of the most important.
Worked on myself - appearance, fitness, conscious living - at least other people were saying I was beautiful even when H wasn't yet! Didn't do it for H, but athletic companionship very important to him, my willingness to try new sports was something he really liked.
Loving detachment - got out of my defensive posture and let H's problems be HIS problems, not mine. Quit believing it was all about my flaws. Realized I could not control what he did, could only control my actions.
Act, don't react - tried to break cycle of reacting without conscious thinking first.
Emotional aikido - when I finally stopped fighting H on the separation is when he started to rethink it.
Sex - in this situation I refused to let our sex life die. May not work in every sitch but was important factor in ours.
Focused on baby steps.
WHAT I DID WRONG: Too much pursuing in the beginning. Fought the separation in the beginning - didn't respect H's need for space. Started to get into a little competitive space last week about the OW when I was getting impatient about the email; H really needs to see me as better than her and she is not worth my energy. Worried too much about things that never ended up happening - don't borrow trouble.
BOOKS THAT HELPED DR The Five Love Languages by Chapman A Year of Living Consciously by Gay Hendricks
ADVANTAGES I HAD Coincidental return to physical health at just the right time. H willing to see psych finally for his depression and start Prozac. H finally having insight into his own issues and able to see it wasn't about my imperfections. This board and its incredible support. Affair was already "theoretically" over when I discovered it. OW had moved out of town before I discovered A. H is basically a good guy whose needs weren't being met and had a crisis because of it. H's friends supported me and pushed H in right direction. I found Michele's book right before the bomb dropped. H lucked in to a pro-marriage individual counselor.
I mention these last things only so that those of you whose situations are not turning around as quickly will see that I had a lot of fortunate coincidences on my side. Patience and Discipline needs to be your motto.
“I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.” Albert Einstein.
Today is day 2 of my Body for Life challenge. Off to a little bit of a rocky start so far – didn’t get my first day workout in! Had a lot of running around to do during the day, thought I would get it in in the evening with my S16 before I went out on date nite with my H, but it turned out to take too much time instructing my S, couldn’t fit my own workout in. Will make it up today, though. Did okay on diet even though didn’t have eating plan firmly in place either. Will start being more proactive beginning today, and get my workouts in the morning before all this mothering stuff can interfere. (Big challenge will be maintaining my diet when we go to the county fair on Thursday! No fried Twinkies for me! J ).
Today – I am imagining myself and my son all buffed out by the end of summer.
I just think everything you have accomplished in your relationship is wonderful! And your personal accomplishments as well! AWESOME!!!
I hope someday my H and I are there and not stuck in the emotional garbage heap we sometimes are now.
My H is very close mouthed so I do think it is good that your H was willing to tell you that he is feeling depressed. Hopefully he works through that soon!
I have never heard anything on Body for Life, looked it up online and bookmarked to read more on later. But good luck with it.
Shinybear suggested I ask if you could give me some advice. I know you posted on my "Book Recommendations" thread and I really appreciated your advice. I have just actually started a thread that I am posting to every day. Should have done this sooner. I think posting the things I do wrong makes them have more of an impact on me. I look at them more to see what I could have done differently! Now I need to start doing more things right so I can post them and have a positive impact on me as well! Keep the PMA up and the stress level DOWN! This is big decision week for H so stress high and any advice you would have time to give VERY much appreciated! My thread is in Newcomers titled "Finally Doing Something"
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
You are # 1 !!!! I just want to know how you were able to not talk about the OW and ask questions or make jealous statements. I know my sich is a bit diff since we are already D - but....I feel like my jealousy and control issues are continuing to sink me.
Was in your part of the woods and close to Mt. Whitney. Loved it down there!
I am starting BFL on Monday, I'm so excited you are doing it too! I'm trying to get some menus planned out so I can have it already to go and no excuses or last minute eating--my biggest downfall. Are you using free weights or machines? I need to set up an appointment at the Y to be shown the free weights--a bit intimidating, all these muscle guys in that room!
Good luck, keep it up. I was going to have S4 take my "before" pictures, don't want H to see me looking that silly.
This is your thread--sorry--good luck with the BFL1
Jackie - How exciting!! It'll be great to have someone to talk to about it! Buy the Success Journal - worth every penny to have all the pages laid out for you already. I wouldn't trust the 4 yr old to take your pics - he'll cut off your head or feet for sure. Get a friend or neighbor to do it.
Right now we're using free weights because that way my S16 and I can work out at home (I have a weight bench and a few free weights). However, I prefer working out at the gym (he does too, but with the 2 other kids home for summer, it hasn't worked out yet for the two of us to go). At the gym, I use a combination - free weights for my arm exercises, pulley weights for back, leg press, quads extension, and hamstring machines for legs. However, I have always had trouble training my hamstrings. One day I was at the gym and there was this woman with great hamstrings doing the straight leg deadlift. A few days later I was gardening, pulling weeds, and afterwards I REALLY felt it in my hamstrings - realized I had been doing a version of the straight leg deadlift while tugging on those weeds! So I'm sold on that as a hamstring exercise. Important to train them well because women usually have an imbalance between their quads and their hamstrings (quads too strong relative to the hamstrings) which can lead to knee problems.
Don't be intimidated by the weight room. You may be surprised at how many women are there at different times of the day - when I work out midmorning there are always plenty of women. And having all those buff guys around certainly does improve the view, doesn't it?
The key with free weights is slow, controlled motions. You get a better workout using a lighter weight but slow controlled motion in both directions, than using a heavier weight and slinging it up and dropping it down. Good form is what's important.
S16 and I are so proud of ourselves - we spent the whole day at the county fair yesterday without blowing our eating plans!! We doubled up on our oatmeal for breakfast so we wouldn't arrive hungry. Ate low fat chicken teriyaki bowls with rice and veggies for lunch. Stuck with water to drink. S had a small skewer of shrimp later in the afternoon and a single scoop of ice cream as his only indulgence. Then he had a turkey sandwich for dinner while I had a baked potato without butter, just a little sourcream. And while we sat at the Weird Al concert that evening, we each had a small granola bar. How good was that, for being surrounded by deep fried twinkies, funnel cakes, strawberry shortcakes, corndogs, pizza, etc. etc. etc.?
Use your time now to plan your workouts and meals - we got busy and didn't really get that done beforehand and have been playing catch-up all week as a result.
Let me know if you need any help with meal planning or deciding on your exercises.
Ellie, you are an inspiration. I haven't been able to go to any of my Isshin Ryu workouts and our garage is such a mess that I don't have the room to kick my bag (I really miss that! Great stress reliever.). At least I take the stairs at work...
And your personal accomplishments as well! AWESOME!!!
