Root- asked H about the hormone level thing in a roundabout way, and found out that they were checked when he saw someone a while back. I had forgotten about that. They discussed the fact that he wasn't able to do what he had to do, and they gave him samples of viagra, etc....never used them because he and I both know the reason we weren't having sex....there were feelings missing....we don't believe it is physical. We believe it is mental. We have talked about this. It is nothing we were uncommunicative about. He had no desire then, and I have no desire for him now. He had no trouble getting off himself back then, however, just not with ME. IT's all so freaking sad.
Jeff- that's exactly how I have felt for 13 years.
Kat- I see many things on that list as well. We have a long road ahead of us. I hope we make it.
I fell apart today. It is beautiful out. I mean ...gorgeous out......and I just wanted to cry all day. I see all of these happy people out there and here I am home, miserable. When H got home and S got occupied I just broke down and started bawling....telling him how unhappy I feel, how tired of being sad that I am, how maybe we should divorce because it seems like the people we know that are divorced are MUCH happier than us. He says he is unhappy, too. I have no strength to get from him. I get nothing from him. I tell him I realize that whole "spark" thing is just the in love phase and that I'm not looking for that with him....but I need to laugh WITH HIM, and be happy with him. Those of you reading this will not believe this but he and I can only think of ONE thing we used to do that made us laugh and that was do these "tickle tackles" with each other. ONE thing our whole marriage. We may have been happier at one time, but never realllly happy.
I said that is what we need to work on.....laughing and being happy together. I know I need to work on myself being happy, but shouldn't your spouse make you laugh at least once a month or something??????? I don't know...I'm rambling..........
Retrouvaille.....9 more days.....I hope it helps us. I know it is a communicative tool, but I don't know if communication is what is lacking....something is missing...laughter, love, respect, I don't know.......God help us.
