The only way H could defuse some of my anger was by not adding fuel. When I b*tched, he listened, if he started to defend, justify, argue, point out what I had done wrong, whoosh, more anger. If he talked about his hurt, pain, or anger, I'd get madder. I'd been trying to talk to him about mine for years, now after a few months, he wants to talk about his. I wasn't ready to listen, that what he has a C for. I know that sounds cold, but it's true.
So how did you tell him this? What was his reaction? Did he ask for a timeline? When do you think you'll know you are ready to listen to his?
I would like to find the intestinal fortitude to say this, without fear of reprucussions of H guilting & blaming me worse than he already has for not listening to his feelings about this sitch.
hugs to you today.
What's the word of the day today?
If I remember correctly, I screamed something like "I don't give a f*cking sh*t what you're feeling, or what you're mad about, or your pain, we're talking about mine right now, & I don't want to hear about yours anytime soon, take it to your counselor, that's what you pay her for". (Yep, that was me, my little ole cookie self, lol)
His reaction; He didn't like it, but what could he do. He could try to yell, I'd walk away. If we were on the phone & he started going off on me, I'd hang up. I just showed him over & over how it was going to work. New Ball Game !! (I would have been scared to death normally, but I had OM backing me up, & I had anger & numb fueling me daily, & C teaching me weekly).
He may have asked for a time line. I probably told him, "when I'm ready" or "when I've healed more", or "when I feel it".
I am listening to him now. I think it started gradually. He'd say, "it's hot outside", & I'd say "it sure is". LOL But, he knew that was an improvement from me ignoring him completely.
You know what C has been teaching me the past almost year now....assertiveness. Not aggressiveness. Not going from zero to pissed off in 1.2 seconds. Not holding it in. Not being afraid of H. Not being resentful.
He's teaching me that I'm a full & equal partner in this relationship. It doesn't matter if H blames me, that's his stuff. It doesn't work for him to try to make me feel guilty. I'm not doing anything wrong by taking care of me, installing firm boundaries, & if I don't feel like listening & being empathetic, I don't have to be. It's my choice. If he gets mad, too bad. He's allowed to be mad. I don't have to take care of his mad. That's his. Whoo Hoo !! Freedom !!
I feel like a thousand pound weight has been taken out of my backpack.
Oh & guess what. I can now say NO to sex if I want. This is a HUGE accomplishment for me. If H wants to get mad, that's his problem, (although he has learned if he gets mad, it's even longer til I feel like having sex Sex is one optional way of two people to emotionally & physically connect. I never knew this. Enlightenment is a beautful thing.
Word of the day ??? how about spondylolisthesis ?
hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
