Can you describe some of the "signs that were there"? I am just curious. I know in my sexless marriage I really didn't understand myself so if I did put forth "signs" they weren't very concrete. Just curious on your wife's "signs" that you see now but didn't then.
Alright, this is getting a bit more personal than I usually like, but I'll share (in general I don't like sharing her secrets, only my own). Note that in the lists below, she wasn't trying to 'broadcast' her intent, particularly early on when she didn't realize it herself. It honestly would have been hard for me to put these pieces together, but there were clues, nonetheless:
Outside of the Bedroom
'Contrary' or 'challenging' behavior -- and the more yielding I was, the more challenging she would become. I don't think she was consciously testing or pushing, but it was there.
When I did stand my ground and push back, the 'make-up sex' after the dust settled was often great. In fact, during the most sex-starved years of our marriage, the only decent sex we were having was make-up sex -- any other time was pretty scripted and bland (for both of us).
There have been times when she had to handle our family finances and bill paying by herself, and while she's actually more capable (and cost cutting) than I am at it, she *hates* the responsibility of it: she's much happier as my consultant.
She has yearned for years for me to take charge and lead the family's spiritual aspects (church, family prayers and such). For a long time, I was completely inactive in these areas, but have picked up that aspect of my life again this year. She's been overjoyed by it.
Occasionally, church discussions / lessons would come around to the husband as head-of-household idea, and not once did she balk or object to it. Any objections to the concept came from me. This was true even when we were first married.
Her primary reading material has consisted of hundreds of Romance Novels over the years, all of which depict strong-willed women being conquered by even stronger men, and often forcefully so. She's been flaunting her fantasy relationship in my face for years, but I was too willfully ignorant to add 2 plus 2.
I noted some time ago that 'ravishing' or 'rape' scenes in movies were the ones that pumped her up the most -- far more than the the soft love scenes.
The men in movies that spark the most interest in her are often the 'bad' types who dominate their women and aren't particular caring or feeling towards them. It used to really puzzle me that some ass on screen could turn her on, while a Nice Guy in a 'chick-flic' would turn her off.
Inside of the Bedroom
She has NEVER wanted to take the lead and dominate in any way. It's always been "what I want," even on the occasions when she initiated sex.
She really dislikes giving direction during sex, despite all the stuff that we've read advising her to be more assertive and give it. She'll do it occasionally, and grudgingly.
Soft, gentle, slow sex usually causes her to lose arousal. There have been times when it's worked, but as a general rule, I can't be too slow.
Going back to when we were unmarried (and weren't supposed to be sexually active), if I took charge and really showed my passion for her, she has *always* responded in kind.
There is a direct correlation between my level of passion and dominance and her response: if I'm passionate and forceful, she's extremely aroused and responsive; if I'm timid, gentle, and slow, she has a hard time.
She *hates* having her arousal and her orgasm as the center of my attention during lovemaking. The more detached and selfish I can be in taking my own pleasure, the more she likes it.
There's obviously more that I have learned since she finally gave me a clue and the light bulb went off in my head. But this is what was there beforehand.
Take care,
Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
