i'm clueless....

[ann25]

Hi Dom... as always, thank you

I think the most fascinating part of it, is that your mother told you, before you even got married....
exactly what I have been telling you.

so i probably kinda minimized what my mom said. Specifically she told me to break up with him and date other people because she could tell he was just like my dad... After we got married and i got pregnant the first time, she said are you sure you want to do that with him? She told me i better make him do more and get a job and be nicer to me... now when i talk to her, i just tell her that he's been better cause i don't want to hear it.

Because if you stick to it, you will go through hell for a year, and then have a great marriage afterwards.

I've had more years of hell in my M than good times. We've never had a great M. i suppose the biggest problem is that he's never changed. In 10 years he hasn't changed a bit. I grew up and became a responsible adult and he may as well be 16 still. how do i make him grow up and be a responsible person. A man with a wife and a family rather than a boy with a maid and some kids running around...

If you DONT stick to it, you will go through legal hell for half a year or more...and then you and your children will keep suffering over it, for the rest of your lives.

Dom, you have no idea how much i appreciate your opinions and advice. When i question what you say, it probably only cause i need a harder push... Here is the only thing i don't get. You are convinced that my girls aren't suffering at all. That they are fine in all this. That at least having him there is better than not having him there. He treats them the same way he treats me. He expects too much of them, he yells over stupid little things, he doesn't want to spend time with them, he pretty much ignores their needs. Yes, he's physically in the house, but they have uncles and grandparent that treat them with more love and care than he does. My oldest asked me that if when daddy leaves (for the day) if then we can start having some fun. I'm not arguing that it could be worse if we divorced, but i will not sit by and say that this life is any good for them.

Here's the problem you face: you need to become "alpha dog" for matters of relationship issues.

I know it needs to be, but this just isn't me. I'm trying to be stronger about stuff, but i won't yell and scream with him. Mentally, i can't handle it. I completely breakdown. I'm the only one doing anything in this R anymore, so i don't know what else i'm supposed to do. Maybe you could elaborate cause i dont' think i get exactly what you mean here. I can't change him or make him be different. he has to want to change and make the changes himself.

That needs to change. It can change. With a lot of work from you. I was going to write more, but "a little something" indicated to me, that I should cut it short.

I know it'll be a lot of work, but i don't see it changing anyways... i'm still here, but i just don't have a whole lot of hope right now.

Not sure what the little something was... but Let me have it... i can't fix this on my own and if my H won't help me, i'll take all the help i can get.

thanks again ann