Well I'm in a better frame of mind today. Just a little anger for a day or two.
Here's a sad thought though. Everyday I read a lot of these sitchs (can't comment on all of them) and it seems like 90% of these WASs always seem to have cheated or are cheating. We don't believe it at first but it eventually is found. Its really a sad thought.
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
Throughout the early days of my sitch, once my ex was out of the house, my mother would tell me more than once that someone does not leave the home they have known for so long without something else waiting in the wings.
My time on this board has shown me that she is pretty much on the mark with that statement.
Sad, but true.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I agree with that. I don't entirely believe that an affair is just a symptom of a bad marriage. Without the affair, the issues could have been worked through. We've all had ups and downs in our marriages...if you happened to cheat or start having feelings for another during one of the lows, you just feel worse about your marriage. If the affair is just a symptom, how is it that some caught cheating immediately declare their remorse and undying love, while others try to come back to the marriage (which supposedly was the worst thing ever) when the affair implodes? In my opinion, it is highly unusual to have success as long as OP is in the picture.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
In my opinion, it is highly unusual to have success as long as OP is in the picture.
Agree strongly. I'd even go a step further. There is no point in making any attempts at healing with a spouse as long as they are in the midst of an affair.
At that point, YOU are the loser, plain and simple. Nothing that you say or do could possibly measure up to the incredible rush and stimulation that comes from having a new love interest in your life.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I know I'm angry and that's why I really want to wait before I make any decisions. I am very lost right now.
Don't know if you remember the early part of my sitch but MIL has lived with us since early 07 and financially we started to depend on her. Then when this biz first started I was going to move until I found out about OM. Then I booted W. But to afford this place I need MIL (lease is over in Jan). MIL then used most of her extra funds to help W get her apartment (the moron pays only $200 less than we do for a 1 bdr). So financially I need MIL to keep the place Abby has lived in for her whole life.
But I'm starting to feel like if I cut a few things out I can afford this place myself, but then MIL has nowhere to go and she's the only person who's helped us through our whole relationship. Its not that I mind her there (helps with Abby, cleans, etc) but seeing her interaction with W is starting to wear on me. Its a standard mother-daughter R but she's probably the worst person in history with boundaries. My C has even said this. She sets none....even small ones. In fact in 07, she was giving money to W to help with bills and I put a stop to that when I found out because she was basically funding W's three nights out a week.
I have done the lawyer thing a while ago, Cali is a no fault state so I didn't pursue much. But honestly, if I did call her up she wouldn't talk much...she never does. Its always "if that's what you want to do". At the end of May I told her to file for an S or D and she said okay. Of course nothing. She does nothing. I think she's enjoying her single life and wants me to hang in the background until its done. For two months I thought I'd try this and see where I was, but I'm having more and more trouble. I've got no goals, and GALing is actually getting me into trouble.
You are right, PD. I need to drop the anger. Guess I'm just venting because I'm running out of live bodies to vent to. Luckily I have a session today so that may help me through the week.
Then let's set goals. Living to vent isn't a large life ... right.
What do you want?
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
In my opinion, it is highly unusual to have success as long as OP is in the picture.
Agree strongly. I'd even go a step further. There is no point in making any attempts at healing with a spouse as long as they are in the midst of an affair.
At that point, YOU are the loser, plain and simple. Nothing that you say or do could possibly measure up to the incredible rush and stimulation that comes from having a new love interest in your life.
Bill
That's too far. How you behave now is critical.
You DO have to become more attractive than the other person. Without really snooping, find out what really attracts them to the other person.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Here's the thing that some people are forgetting when talking about the OP in an affair. Something YOU did caused your S to look elsewhere. They really aren't the issue, unless you make it an issue. Look at what smartcookie has said.... anytime her H brought up her OM, she only wanted OM more nad more. Anytime her H worked on himself, she drew away from OM.
So what should our focus be?
Just by 2 cents.
ME:32 WAW:31 D #1: 3.5 D #2: 2 Together: 13 M:6 Bomb Dropped: 2/15/08 Sep legally: 6/18/08
"Tommorrow there'll be sunshine, and all this darkness past..." -Bruce Springsteen Land of Hope and Dreams
I don't believe it's too far at all. But that's just my opinion.
Yes, of course, you continue to work on yourself, try to improve yourself, make yourself more attractive.
But you can forget trying to have conversations, send cards, do nice things. When they are in the throes of the enorphin rush, they are best left alone.
Furthermore, as long as she is involved with another, she should get NOTHING from you. No contact, no coming over, nothing.
Involvement with another means you get none of me.
Obviously there are different opinions. Your job is to choose what you think will work in your case.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I understand what you are saying. And I've been toying this back and forth. Not only should she get none of me, but I need to do this for me as well. Obviously this weekend proved it because it brought me down afterword.
But how do you juggle this with children? I really don't want to do this together but there are some circumstances (like the 4th of July) where its hard to avoid. Where do you draw the line?
On a side note, I could tell W was a little flustered about our plans this weekend. I'm going over to an old friends house on Friday for dinner....with Abby of course. They have two little boys. Then on Saturday we are going to a b-day party at an old friend I used to work with. W knew and hung out with both friends when Abby was little. I think she's a little bummed she can't participate. This is the old W, but I positive if OM was sitting next to her she wouldn't have cared. Amazing you tell the "two" Ws apart.
M 35 W 28 D 4
Bomb 4/28/08 Found out about PA 05/14/08 Separated 5/25/08 (not legally)
find out what really attracts them to the other person.
Why? So you can be someone you are not? Maybe it's just me, but I don't feel that the end justifies the means. I prefer trying to be the best you can be, for yourself, and hope that's enough. But yeah, you should still work on yourself and be an attractive alternative to OP, but you still have to be the person that you want to be...not some other person. I can't imagine modeling myself after someone that would cheat with a married person. But I'm sure that wasn't what you were saying...I was just clarifying.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I can't imagine modeling myself after someone that would cheat with a married person. But I'm sure that wasn't what you were saying...I was just clarifying.