Helping OW??

[fooled again]

BFM,

Your job is to be the supportive, loving, upbeat, wonderful wife that your H fell in love with.

This is very, very difficult to do while beleiving that OW is a part of his life. The problem I have w/ detachment is that I find it difficult to be detached AND be supportive, loving, etc., etc. Intuitively the two are mutually exclusive. Detaching makes me push my loving feelings down deep and I start to feel cold & unloving. Being supportive & loving interferes w/ my ability to detach. It's like oil & water - how do you mix them?

How can I be his wife if he is (a) not living w/ me, and (b) having an affair? OW said she doesn't consider what they have an affair b/c H and I are separated (she evidently forgot that their A began while H was still at home). I said: "We are not D, we don't even have a legal separation agreement, H sleeps here often, we ML often, he has not taken some of his most cherished possessions out of the house, he helps around the house regularly & we do many, many things together as a family, he has never told his family about her, and he has never told D that he is not coming back (she has asked him, so the opportunity has arisen). So I guess that makes us still married, and your R an affair." She later referred to herself as H's mistress. Perhaps she is now reveling in the power she thinks she has, thinking that H will eventually marry her, she just has to wait long enough for me to get fed up w/ them & tell H that I want to D.

Cat,

I'm pretty ware of ow, I too had a long talk with bewildered/lied to ow, sobbing her heart out, asking me why he did this, why drag her along and lied to her. I took all she said with a grain of salt and made sure I didnt' believe all she said, for she loved him and she had a differetn version of the facts from stbx.

I'm inclined to agree w/ you and BFM here. Whenever I have talked to OW she was "devastated" and "shocked", she "had no idea" we were working on our M. Of course I know H lied to her about us, but she would have to be an idiot to not know there was anything going on. In fact, she did tell me about things she found that made her suspicious. She is always snooping in his phone, at his apartment (she has keys). Likely she either did not want to know or didn't care b/c didn't want to lose him. I know she has driven by the house to check if H was there w/ me. When she asked what he was doing there, he gave her some story. She lives quite far away from me, so that along w/ the snooping makes me inclined to say that she is obsessed and paranoid. You're right, I shouldn't take what she has said at face value - I'm quite sure there has been much embellishment there.

...don't assume she said she wouldn't see him anymore (hate to break it to you, but unless you get lucky there isn't a snowball's chance in h@ll that she's going to give up that easy.) Expect her to cling. Expect her to be right there waiting every time he wants to run back. It's typical and it's likely despite the doubts you've placed in her mind or the doubts that she already had before talking to you. She will hold on with every fiber of her being.

I'm afraid you're probably right, BFM. She will cling, she has no one else, her H left her, her children are young adults. I remember reading something someone posted on another site, that the OW didn't just want this woman's H, she wanted her life. I have heard the sadness & desperation in OW's voice; she is weak & dependent & she made H her whole world, her best friend, her future (she said this to me herself). She said it would take a long time to get over this; I should take this to mean she is not going to go quietly.

Actually, now that I think about it, I see that my convos w/ OW have given me a good idea of her state of mind. The tables have turned and now she is the one who is obsessing, snooping, spying, accusing, trying to control H, questioning his whereabouts, losing her mind when he doesn't answer his cell or call her back. I can totally see that my being upbeat & happy, independent & confident, non pressuring and detached will work to my advantage & make me the more attractive person to my H. H has never liked being controlled or questioned (I don't know many men who do). That combined w/ his undeniable sexual attraction to me could tip everything in my favor if I am patient and simply wait for her to self destruct.

Yes my friends, you are all so very right. NOW is the time for me to let go and allow this to run it's course. I can see how extricating myself from the drama as much as possible will allow me to protect myself from the fallout.

I need your support more than ever b/c I know how easy it is for me to backslide and I think things are at a crucial time. D is away for two more weeks, giving me the freedom to do what I want w/ my time & leaving H wondering who I am w/ & what I am doing when he is not w/ me. I'm not expecting miracles in that two week period, but I think that much could be accomplished if I can DB effectively.

Sorry for the long post, but I'm sorting out my thoughts here (as BFM suggested) and I think it's been very helpful. Thanks for reading

FA