Sex-Starved Husband. Will Work For Sex.

[Bagheera]

(LONG ranting raving venting message deleted. Felt good to type it, though.)

Ha! I got to read it anyway...it came across in my email notifications.

She told me she thought she'd been doing me a favor by taking the kids so I could work on the house. I told her that had nothing to do with it--I just didn't like being ordered to do the dishes while she headed out to picnic at the zoo with the baby, especially since she couldn't even bother to say thanks for all the things I did instead of taking a shower so she could make it out the door on time. She apologized and told me she was grateful for what I'd done. I guess I should be happy that we talked about it. I don't know.

Bear, you have a perfect right to stand up for yourself, and not just be taken for granted or ordered about. KEEP AT IT! No, she's not going to like it, but she'll get over it and respect you all the more for it.

I'm going to keep encouraging you to get beyond your 'Nice Guy Syndrome' by

(1) carving out your own life and agenda,
(2) taking charge and being the 'Man' of the house,
(3) serving your wife and family for YOUR own gratification, and not expecting anything else in return, and
(4) taking charge of your own sex-life.

You've already laid out your own GAL program, so (1) is going well. Don't let it slip!

As for (2), you already know that she has a tendency to act like her mother, and her school-teacher job reinforces that tendency. Don't let her get away with it. It may mean a few angry confrontations before she gets the message, but in the long run, she'll find you all the more sexually attractive and deserving of respect. Stand firm, don't let her dominate you, and be your own man.

Number (3) is a hard one to change. The old 'Nice Guy' covert-contract bit is a really difficult habit to break. "I'm doing this, and this, and this for you; so surely you owe me something in return" --> this doesn't work. The more you can find your own satisfaction in such service, the better -- let it be an expression of your love, and an end in itself.

And finally number (4). I hear and understand what you're saying. Not three months ago, I was telling our therapist how I felt like my own wife was still in control of our sex-life: she maintained the power, she was the 'gate-keeper,' and she set the pace. Her response? She said that she felt like -> I <- was the one in charge, the one setting the pace, and that she was like a horse out in front of the chariot, with my reins constant slapping her backside to go faster. I'd be willing to guess that you and your wife have a similar dynamic going on right now.

So take a deep breath (or ten), and relax some. I know all too well how bloody confusing the male-female dynamic can be, especially in dealing with a strong woman who is, at heart, a sexual submissive. As Alimari says, slooooow dooooown, and take things one day at a time.

If it helps at all, I've felt exactly as you are right now: You're being told by your wife (and us) to let up on the 'pressure' you wife feels, while at the same time, you're scared to death that if you do, she'll say "Cool, no more sex, EVER!" You're being told to take charge and initiate sex in a firm, seductive way, while YOU'RE the one who's been rejected and shot down by her repeatedly over the past several years -- what's fair about that? She gets the easy part, kicking back and saying "yay" or "nay."

The truth is, none of this is easy. Changing a long-standing bad relationship is hard effing work. It takes months, with many regressions, failures, and sleepless nights along the way. But it CAN be done, and YOU can do it.

Best regards,

Bagheera