It seems like you made a very sound investment in your M in going to see Michelle. I have heard others on this board recommend the 5 Languages of Love book - I need to order it myself.
I agree with you about actions speaking louder than works - I have always been a firm believer in that. You can talk about changing all you want but talk is cheap and easy to do - actually implementing the changes is what will make a difference.
HEAR HEAR!! You know we all make these changes by DBing and we often wonder if our S notice.. they do.... or at least mine did... a great thing that I learned is not only did he notice the changes, but he thought they were positive, and they are making a difference in how he feels...that he WANTS me to continue with the changes... he likes them and though they may confuse him now, our relationship will be better because of them... and thus, in return, he wants to fulfill my needs and desires just the same...he is trying just the same as I , only he has other things he need to take into consideration (OW) those feelings do not go away overnight... I as a W need to understand that and give him that space and time to sort that out on his own.. but in the mean time... DB DB DB support support support.. and love him and my family...love myself too..
t
Me - 38 H-36 DD - 15 S- 19 Together -almost 18 years M - 16 The Bomb - May 24th 2008 Meeting with Michelle July 7, 2008 Status - I moved out Sept 2009
ok.. as I wrote above, the cat is out of bag.. D14 knows about OW... Here's a question for you guys.. H has asked me what he should do...
a. do not ever talk about it again. b. talk about it w/D14 c. write her a letter...
I told him I was probabaly not the person to ask, and I really didn't have an answer for him. However D14 told me that she never wants to talk to him about it with him and I made that clear to him. But... should she bring it up to him to be prepared, let her be sad or angry or whatever she feels with out trying to fix it... or explaining it.. details of course are not needed.. she saw the texts.. she has enough detail..
H and I work together occasionally.. this is one of those occasions.... I snooped.... I know I shouldn't have but I did... I got the OW Skype name... I soooo want to write to her... tell her to leave my man alone... that she has nothing on me... he has loved me for 15 years and will always love me... that she is ruining his life and to leave him alone.... I want to say all these things to her but I know I won't... I want to say all kinds of mean things to her, but I know this is not her fault..I also want to plead with her... tell her what they are doing is wrong, that it hurting so many people, me, H, D14, S18 (when he finds out)H parents, my family.. everyone...That the R between H & D14 is going to change... that D14 will never accept her... I want D14 to hate her but I can't express that to D14..nor would I.. That is why I am venting here....
I know we have had a great weekend and experience with Michele... I know I should be thankful and hopeful, and I am, but these feelings are still overwhelming... I desperatly need a distraction... H asked me if I wanted to go work out with him... do I go? Do I not go? Do I make myself unavailable? With all I have learned it seems I should decline the invitation and do something else away from him... but its so hard to be away knowing that if I leave him alone, it only allows im access to confide in OW...
advice anyone??? Thoughts...
t
Me - 38 H-36 DD - 15 S- 19 Together -almost 18 years M - 16 The Bomb - May 24th 2008 Meeting with Michelle July 7, 2008 Status - I moved out Sept 2009
I don't know if these are the right answers or not to your questions but this is what I would do regarding the situations you have described:
Regarding our D14 - since she has verbally expressed that she does not want to talk about this with your H, what I would do if I were him is just write her a short note telling her that he is sorry for the pain he has caused the family, that he knows she doesn't want to talk to him about it, but if she changes her mind then he is there to talk and answer her questions. Keep it simple but leave the door open if she changes her mind.
Regarding the OW - I would not contact her. In reading several other sitch's on this board, it seems like anyone who has done this it has turned out negative for them. Contacting the OW gives her recognition, substance and power. No matter what you say to her or how you say it she will use it against you to drive an even deeper wedge between you and your H.
As for working out with him - if it's something you want to do (work out), I personally would go. You can still be somewhat distant from him in the gym - you don't have to be by his side the entire time - you can be doing your own thing.
Just my two cents - others may have different views for you.
When I left you yesterday things were up and down and continued that way until I changed it.. I was worried about D14 and what she was feeling with all she had learned... I was upset because of the OW.. and did some minor snooping which was no benifit to me emotionally (it never is).. 2 months ago I would have pouted, showed my annoyance at the situation at hand... But coming here and meeting Michele and reading all I have read, I put it into action... I did not pout or tell H how upset I was... I acted "as-if" everything was fine..
My work day ended with a game.... H and I occasionally work together.. I am a fill in at times... I have been covering for our office manager who is on vacation. Which has helped my DBing efforts... H asked me to go over ome paperwork, it was really stressing him out so I just started pointing out the positives and told him I would get a handle on it... as he turn the corner I asked him if he would like to "relieve some stress." When he came back in I had a grin on my face that made him laugh... then he just started talking business again... Normally I would have went back to business and internally stewed at his "rejection".. Instead I asked him if he heard me.. He said "No... what did you say?" I told him and he just looked at me.. I said... "are you going to make me ask you again?" He laughed look behind him and started to "chase me around the desk".. A great way to end the work day...
He had asked earlier in the day if I wanted to go workout with him.. I was contemplating (remember I was annoyed.. I had just snooped)- trying to 180...I decided instead I would have dinner with a girl friend and drinks with her afterwards...(adding mystery here) and it worked.... When I came home H was taking the oppotunity and we had a wonderful evening.... We both woke up early this morning ... ususally he wakes me telling me its time to get to work.. this time he woke by cuddling up next to me... and still feeling frisky.. we started the day off in a whole new way...
My point being... by doing the unexpected, I got what I wanted by fulfilling HIS needs... He didn't need me to be mad or upset.. he needed the affection and support.. In return, I got the affection and attention I wanted. He didn't want to see me annoyed and sitting in on the couch or chair pouting and talking stuff to death... he wanted me to enjoy myself, be happy...and I did.. and I got the love and affection and attention that I needed. All are happy in this family today.. but it is early and emotions run high at times... but for now... i am gonna sit back.. and appreciate this time...
Hope you all have a great day...
Me - 38 H-36 DD - 15 S- 19 Together -almost 18 years M - 16 The Bomb - May 24th 2008 Meeting with Michelle July 7, 2008 Status - I moved out Sept 2009
That is great news!!! Thanks for sharing your success. I intend to take a similar approach when my W comes home for a 2 week visit. No R talk from me, just a happy, positive attitude with some 180's thrown in for good measure.
I agree with you on the snooping and how afterwards it NEVER makes you feel good. I gave up on doing that awhile ago. The old saying of "what you don't know can't hurt you" can be true at times. I simply don't need to know all of the sordid details of what I already know is going on or has happened.
We are both working in the office today.. Its been alot of fun.. I haven't worked here in quite awhile but its fun to see my H and have him see me back in action... I happen to be very good at what I do, and the vibe. I really believe he likes me being here.. His customers like me and that is always good for business, plus the fact I can be a flirt and men usually like that.. they would rather flirt/negotiate with me than haggle with him, and that takes the pressure off...
I checked out the 5 Languages of Love online, I really think it will be a great book to read.. It was an awakening to to hear out loud how my H NEEDS to be loved.. I have been loving him, but only in the way I wanted to be loved.. That to me is HUGE.. That realization alone has helped TREMENDOUSLY in the last few days/weeks..
I think that with your plan...(the Master Plan as I call it)the 180's will help you.. but more so your positive, happy, AS-IF attitude will benefit you and your W and your kids.. positive vibes can be contagious especially in situations such as ours... If you are happy, the kids are happy, which in turn.. W is happy.. no pressure, just happy thoughts.. who can argue with that?
Me - 38 H-36 DD - 15 S- 19 Together -almost 18 years M - 16 The Bomb - May 24th 2008 Meeting with Michelle July 7, 2008 Status - I moved out Sept 2009
Thanks. I agree, staying positive these last 4 or 5 weeks has been a huge benefit, not only to how the W is responding to me but also for my own sanity. Before I was engrossed in to much gloom and doom thinking. It was really wearing me down. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, and walk around like a zombie. Definitely not healthy.
Today, although my overall sitch has not improved dramatically (W hasn't called me up and said "I've changed my mind I want to stay married to you") we are getting along better in our communication and I can tell she is acting more positive in the tone of her voice. I plan on just keeping on doing what I am doing.
You sound so much like me its scary...do you find it ironic how many people on this web site have so many similarities? The lack of communication on both sides, it's like there is something in the water... what have we been drinking all our lives?
My day overall was great.. Picked up my car and H & I went to workout, made dinner together, ate together... then he disappears for a few minutes, I don't think he realizes I notice those things. I can't be sure but of course my heart is telling me he is calling/texting her.. or she him. I can feel him pull just a little bit away.. Makes my heart hurt... but again, my DBing is working... I am here on my laptop, sitting on the sofa... H is here on his laptop, sitting on the love seat... She is a thousands of miles away, and he is sleeping with me tonight... thinking of it that way helps me cope.. she can fantasize about him, but he is still Making Love to me... I feel that, he feels it too, his heart and his head are just confused... I may have made mistakes, and may still make some, but I am becoming the person I want to be, and the W he needs me to be... This terrible situation I helped create, could be the worst/best situation of my life. I will be forever changed and with all I am learning my future relationships will be the better for it.
Yours too...
tmarie
Me - 38 H-36 DD - 15 S- 19 Together -almost 18 years M - 16 The Bomb - May 24th 2008 Meeting with Michelle July 7, 2008 Status - I moved out Sept 2009
When he came back in I had a grin on my face that made him laugh... then he just started talking business again... Normally I would have went back to business and internally stewed at his "rejection".. Instead I asked him if he heard me.. He said "No... what did you say?" I told him and he just looked at me.. I said... "are you going to make me ask you again?" He laughed look behind him and started to "chase me around the desk".. A great way to end the work day...