Fb2, yes, his company closed their office in our city, the end of May. We're doing okay. We have savings, & we'll be fine for quite a while. That's one of the reasons that I'm trying to fly through school so fast. The sooner I finish, the sooner I can be bringing in some money, although, I don't anticipate H being out of work much longer. We're trying to cut back in all areas. Just necessities until he gets a firm offer. I'm talking real positive to him, making sure he doesn't feel like less of a man since he's out of work. I'm being supportive & encouraging, saying things like, this won't be for long, you're working really hard, & something will pop up soon. Is that good ?
He's putting a lot of irons in the fire, we just have to see which one lights first.
Originally Posted By: fb2
Only in my dreams now given all the progress you've made with your H!
Ah, that's so sweet...Guess what, I cook too ! lol
(((Kelly jo))), I'm going to go read your sitch. I have a feeling we have a lot in common. Also, you can follow Bridgestone, & Purple, & Gypsy. We all share similarities. Hang in there. One of my favorite analogies is; on an airplane they tell you to put on your oxygen mask first....save yourself first, so you can save others.
KenF, I know your question was directed to FG, but I wanted to add a tidbit. The only way H could defuse some of my anger was by not adding fuel. When I b*tched, he listened, if he started to defend, justify, argue, point out what I had done wrong, whoosh, more anger. If he talked about his hurt, pain, or anger, I'd get madder. I'd been trying to talk to him about mine for years, now after a few months, he wants to talk about his. I wasn't ready to listen, that what he has a C for. I know that sounds cold, but it's true.
Bri, me patient, HA ! LOL j/k hugs buddy
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
thanks smartcookie, that helps me. The other night she sobbed uncontrollably in my arms for almost 2 hours, and i spent the entire time working on my DBing, listening and validating. anything she threw at me i accepted and acknowledged. patience patience patience.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Thanks. I've followed purple and gypsy, I'll look up Bridgestone. I love the airplane analogy. One minute at a time, one day at a time. I'm still making baby steps but I'm getting stronger.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
The only way H could defuse some of my anger was by not adding fuel. When I b*tched, he listened, if he started to defend, justify, argue, point out what I had done wrong, whoosh, more anger. If he talked about his hurt, pain, or anger, I'd get madder. I'd been trying to talk to him about mine for years, now after a few months, he wants to talk about his. I wasn't ready to listen, that what he has a C for. I know that sounds cold, but it's true.
So how did you tell him this? What was his reaction? Did he ask for a timeline? When do you think you'll know you are ready to listen to his?
I would like to find the intestinal fortitude to say this, without fear of reprucussions of H guilting & blaming me worse than he already has for not listening to his feelings about this sitch.
hugs to you today.
What's the word of the day today?
Divorced 03/2010 Mom to two amazing kids
Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.
thanks smartcookie, that helps me. The other night she sobbed uncontrollably in my arms for almost 2 hours, and i spent the entire time working on my DBing, listening and validating. anything she threw at me i accepted and acknowledged. patience patience patience.
That is so awesome that you could give her that "love gift". Nice job. You must have remembered your raincoat.
That is really healing for her too.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
Thanks. I've followed purple and gypsy, I'll look up Bridgestone. I love the airplane analogy. One minute at a time, one day at a time. I'm still making baby steps but I'm getting stronger.
Baby steps is where it's at Girlfriend !! I've baby stepped & backslid my whole way here, & I still have a ways to go, but heck, at least I'm headed the right direction finally. hugs.
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
...The only way H could defuse some of my anger was by not adding fuel. When I b*tched, he listened, if he started to defend, justify, argue, point out what I had done wrong, whoosh, more anger. If he talked about his hurt, pain, or anger, I'd get madder...
SC, you have a large base of followers here! These are the statements that help us understand. My biggest frustration is W is not talking to me, so there is no opportunity for her to express her feelings to me (except by her actions). Anyway, we appreciate you posting ways we can defuse the anger coming from our spouses!
*Hugs*
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
The only way H could defuse some of my anger was by not adding fuel. When I b*tched, he listened, if he started to defend, justify, argue, point out what I had done wrong, whoosh, more anger. If he talked about his hurt, pain, or anger, I'd get madder. I'd been trying to talk to him about mine for years, now after a few months, he wants to talk about his. I wasn't ready to listen, that what he has a C for. I know that sounds cold, but it's true.
So how did you tell him this? What was his reaction? Did he ask for a timeline? When do you think you'll know you are ready to listen to his?
I would like to find the intestinal fortitude to say this, without fear of reprucussions of H guilting & blaming me worse than he already has for not listening to his feelings about this sitch.
hugs to you today.
What's the word of the day today?
If I remember correctly, I screamed something like "I don't give a f*cking sh*t what you're feeling, or what you're mad about, or your pain, we're talking about mine right now, & I don't want to hear about yours anytime soon, take it to your counselor, that's what you pay her for". (Yep, that was me, my little ole cookie self, lol)
His reaction; He didn't like it, but what could he do. He could try to yell, I'd walk away. If we were on the phone & he started going off on me, I'd hang up. I just showed him over & over how it was going to work. New Ball Game !! (I would have been scared to death normally, but I had OM backing me up, & I had anger & numb fueling me daily, & C teaching me weekly).
He may have asked for a time line. I probably told him, "when I'm ready" or "when I've healed more", or "when I feel it".
I am listening to him now. I think it started gradually. He'd say, "it's hot outside", & I'd say "it sure is". LOL But, he knew that was an improvement from me ignoring him completely.
You know what C has been teaching me the past almost year now....assertiveness. Not aggressiveness. Not going from zero to pissed off in 1.2 seconds. Not holding it in. Not being afraid of H. Not being resentful.
He's teaching me that I'm a full & equal partner in this relationship. It doesn't matter if H blames me, that's his stuff. It doesn't work for him to try to make me feel guilty. I'm not doing anything wrong by taking care of me, installing firm boundaries, & if I don't feel like listening & being empathetic, I don't have to be. It's my choice. If he gets mad, too bad. He's allowed to be mad. I don't have to take care of his mad. That's his. Whoo Hoo !! Freedom !!
I feel like a thousand pound weight has been taken out of my backpack.
Oh & guess what. I can now say NO to sex if I want. This is a HUGE accomplishment for me. If H wants to get mad, that's his problem, (although he has learned if he gets mad, it's even longer til I feel like having sex Sex is one optional way of two people to emotionally & physically connect. I never knew this. Enlightenment is a beautful thing.
Word of the day ??? how about spondylolisthesis ?
hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
The other day when she called for a ride after being out late, she said sorry so many times I finally had to tell her to stop, and the next day asked again if I was mad about her waking me up.
This is my reply on his thread;
Originally Posted By: smartcookie
okay, this tells me that she has put your feelings before hers, possibly for your entire relationship. That's where some of the resentment & exhaustion comes from.
Tell her that if you are mad, you will say so. Ask her to take things at face value. Tell her that she doesn't need to worry about your feelings. Ask her also, to tell you if she is in distress about anything at all. No matter how small.
Now, when she talks to you about ANYTHING, weather, politics, sports, love, the neighbors....
you look her in the eye, smile, nod, & THINK TO YOURSELF "man do I love her". Then, when she's done.......thank her for talking to you. If she'll let you, take her hand, stare into her eyes & say "thank you, W, for talking to me & explaining things to me, I really appreciate it".
Homework assignment #1. lol Good luck.
While I was sitting thinking about this reply, I realized that this same suggestion might help several of the guys that have the W still in the same house, so I copied it here too.
Ready2change....you popped into my head right away.
hope it helps.
_________________________ M: 43 H: 45 4 kids
My Story Truce
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Anais Nin
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
