I think MC is a possibility, but not yet. The possibility for damage is too great - I ran across a thread in the archives with a post from Michele, explaining why joint MC when one spouse is not sure about staying isn't a good idea and what the results can be.

I feel myself working up to a full-blown panic, feeling like I have to DO SOMETHING or he is going to leave. I had a lovely few moments earlier this morning when I felt total acceptance and peace with the idea of his leaving, but like all feelings, it also passed. Wish I could stay there longer.

I've written an email to my H and really want to send it, read it to him, print it and give it to him, something. Feedback?

to my H: I've been thinking about what you said about not feeling connected and I'd like to share some of what's been going through my mind about the last few weeks.

You examined your heart and found that there is some love for me there. You looked at the life of our family and realized that it is valuable and worth preserving. So you made the very courageous decision to lay everything on the table, in the expectation that once you had done that, the connection between us would be restored. And it seemed to be, for a while, as you felt the relief that comes with honesty. However, that feeling has gradually slipped away, and you are once again struggling.

I'm very grateful for your willingness to share your experiences with me and for your honesty about your feelings yesterday. I do want to talk more about what things have been like for you and get answers to some questions, but it doesn't need to happen now. I would love to approach those conversations with curiosity, and a desire to learn more about you and perhaps some day we'll both feel safe enough to do that.

It seems to me that a big part of your feeling of disconnection is that you don't feel safe sharing your self with me, that you don't feel accepted. I'm so sorry that I've made you feel that way.

When thinking about my behaviour over the last little while, I've realized that I've been sliding back into sending the message "look how much you've hurt me" and pulling away from you both physically and emotionally. I imagine this is contributing to your sense of hopelessness that things will ever really be better. This 'poor me' thing is something I do when I feel a loss of connection with you, and it's a pattern I'm working on breaking by reaching out to you in a positive way instead.

A very specific example of something that I think is also probably contributing to how you're feeling is our conversation about a new vehicle for you. Instead of responding as a friend, I allowed anxiety to drive my response, questioning you about money, etc., with the result that you feel disrespected, as if you have to explain yourself to a parent, smothered...

You would think I would have realized this by now, but as I've mentioned, I'm a bit slow \:\) My plan is to acknowledge the anxiety, when I feel it, and then set it aside in order to give a more appropriate response.

It really would be quite an adventure, flying down and driving a car back. If that's what you decide to do, you'll do it with my support.

Guess who one of my biggest inspirations is for what I'm trying to do, to become? You. There have been many, many times in our marriage that you have just blown me away with your generousity and willingness to hear me, to stretch yourself to offer support to me. You have so much to share, so much to offer.

I don't expect any response to this email, although of course if you'd like to discuss this, or anything else, I'd be very open to doing that whenever.

Hope your day is going well - see you later!