Does a WAW want you to fight for them?

[kptch]

Sandi, I just read this thread and I am glad I did. I am a few days into my separation from my WAW. I am trying to use the advice of everyone to start out on the right foot and not have any setbacks if that is possible.

Thank you for the insight from a WAW. I have been racking my brain on what to do to get her back. I now now that giving her space and time is the best thing to do even though it is hard. THe last thing I want her to feel is preassure. I am going to do my best to follow your advice.

Opinions from you and the other women that are WAW are extremely helpful to me since I can't ask my wife what is going on in her head. I can only hope that there is still a glimmer of hope that she thinks we can work things out. My next step is to find a counselor for me and hope she will join in a some point.

Thanks.

[cz946]

She invited me to dinner tonight. I have been practicing the LRT for the last 3 weeks. I don't call, TXT, or email. So about a week went by with no communication. After a week, I started getting a txt or an email once or twice a day. Usually about something with daughter or the house. I would answer her question, but kept it short and to the point. Lately she has been calling me, again about once a day. The first few calls were like the emails, something about our daughter, etc..

Then last Thurdasy morning she called and talked to me for 20 mins venting about one of her ungrateful friends and work. I listened and very supportive. So today she called me to ask if I would a switch a day with my daughter with her day. I said yes, kept it brief and hung up.

Then to my surprise 2 hours later she sent me an email asking me if I wanted to eat dinner together tonight. Of course she referenced our daughter in the request.

Her email said."Do you think we should take daughter to dinner, or eat dinner with her? I could cook something or we could meet somewhere. I’m worried she might need some time with both of us.


I said yes, so we went to dinner tonight. The conversation was good. We talked about her work mostly. We didn't talk about our relationship at all. However she did tell me, she just finished the book, 5 languages of love, and is reading another called crazy life or something.

After dinner she was taking my daughter to the park. I wanted to go with them so bad, but she never ask, and I was not going to ask.

So I think the LRT is working, but I have a few questions.
1.) Was I right in going to dinner?
2.) Is it good that she read the five languages of love? and that she told me about it?

[buster80]

hey guys got a question.....WAW is seeing OM, we're physically separated and I moved out to give her space. We're going to mediation today (it's over, in her words). But the past couple of days she has made it quite clear she wants to be friends and has been nasty and childish to me. I supposed we are at or beyond stage 1 of reducing negative emotions. i found her looking online for lyrics i had put in an away message in my profile. what should my next course of action be ? let her and OM do their thing ?

[Neilh23]

CZ-
no, it wasn't bad at all to go. She initiated. She wants to spend time with you.

and

Not at all. I want my W to do something like that.....and tell me too LOL.

thats all positives man. trust me. keep it up!

[cz946]

Thanks for the comments Neilh23,

Another update.

She sent me txt message's last night. So after dinner she went to the park with our daughter. After she got home from the park she sent me a txt message. In the txt message she ask if I had been watching a TV show that we used to watch. In all we txt each other for about 45 mins. Light communication about TV and Books, etc..

Maybe we are making some head way. I will continue to let her be the driver. I wont call, txt, or email. Only respond.

Man do I miss her. I wanted so bad to hug her last night!!

[Arthur]

Glad your making progress CZ.

And i'm another jumping on here to thank Sandi. I would love a 2x4 post from you on my thread in Beginners Sandi, sounds like the sort of kick I need.

Another Q for WAW though. How long does this process take ? Is it situational dependednt ? (if it is, please go post to me on mine)

[abgiles]

First Post Here. I've been reading for a few days, and just got my profile approved. I am really hoping for a reply from some WAW's, especially from Sandi, as she really seems to be articulate with her thougths.

My current situation is:

Wife was classic WAW, questioned why we ever got married. She asked for the D on June 21. On June 22, she opened her own checking account and found an APT 20 miles away that same day. We moved her out that following Friday. It took me a few days to stop begging her back. Of course, she got angry each time. I found a couple of on-line books and started the 180 based on their recommendation. It worked a little, but each time she called and talked, I didn't end it quickly.

I finally discovered DB and DR books, and have hired a coach (thank you Chuck!)

My problem is that she is really pushing to get this done as quickly as possible. I only have a week and a half until she is going to file (she wanted to file immediately, but I asked for a month). We have limited contact, but lately she has called more than me. I did push dinner this past Sunday, and she did not want that. I am at a critical LRT right now, and am trying to figure out if anything I can do to convince her not to file right away. She is very stubborn about everything, has the family pushing, etc... and once she files, I think won't believe that she can go back.

Chapter one of DR is us to a tee. Michelles states that reading that book, you may believe she was filming us for months. That's the case here. Having several weeks to think about our marriage, she's been trying hard for the last year to reach me. I missed all the signs, and of course now, when I want therapy, talking, one more chance, etc.. It's too little, too late. She states she has no feelings for me, doesn't love me, etc... I know she cares and there are some feelings there. I am just in a desperate last week and a half before she files and need some advice. I am reading the books over and over, setting goals, etc... but without contact, it's difficult to do things.

I know if she were to read just the first couple of chapters of DR with an open mind, she might change her mind. I know she won't accept it from me, and I don't want to manipulate the situation to get anybody else to give it to her. I am hoping she'll see some changes in me and ask what I'm doing. If she does, I'll mention the book briefly and see what happens.

I know this is about patience, but most people here that I see get months of separation prior to filing, or weeks of knowing before separation even. I had one week before separation, and I've had two weeks of that. Now we're filing soon.

Any suggestions?

I am committed to making this work, I just want her to see that.

Thanks

abgiles

[Arthur]

I'll let the others come backto you ab, but annoying as it may seem, the book is just for you. The consensus here is that you do not show it to her, though I totally understand why you think it would help. I'm still not understanding that totally myself. Especially Chapter 1, but the majority here say don't show.

[abgiles]

Arthur,
Yes I've been reading the same thing. I talked to my coach about it. I know I need to show her my changes, and then when she asks, just say that I've been reading a few books. If she asks which ones, then tell her about it. I just don't think she'll ask. I do have a weird situation though. My first wife and I have a 12D together, and my current wife and my 12D are pretty close. My ex and my current want to keep my current W involved with my 12D. When I told my ex about the book, she got a copy and now wants to give it to my current W. My coach told me that I can't stop that and it might not be too bad if my ex gives it to her. I just don't want her to think it came from me in any way. If she did, she would not read it with an open mind.

I know patience is the key, but dang, it's only 8 days to filing, and we have minimal contact.

Last week, she didn't stop calling and contacting. Since Sunday, no contact at all. I know about the roller coaster of emotions, but it's weird.

[The Wifey]

abgiles

All you can do is ask for more time. Ask her and then accept her reply. It will hurt like hell if she won't give you more time, but that doesn't mean it is the end.

I truly don't think love goes away. I think it gets hurt and bruised and scraped up a bit, but we always carry love around. I remember my very first puppy love, don't you?

Just ask her to give it more time so that you can be in a stronger place to handle what is coming. Tell her you aren't going to fight her, you just need time.

Then do the DB and DR to the very best of your ability. That and prayer will make a difference. I honestly believe you love your w. Now she has to see you in a new way and you have to become a new you.

It sucks I know that we are getting rejected by the people we love. Yet we hurt them the way we were loving them, or they weren't having their needs met, or they were reaching out and we were deaf, dumb and blind. We don't get to this point overnight and it takes time to get to anything else.

I'm praying for you and will add you to the growing list of people I pray for. I pray most of all for my h, then for God's grace to allow me to handle whatever happens, then for my friends. Every day and without fail, I ask that we be able to practice true giving to the ones we love.

I'm finding strength I didn't know I had. I always said I would walk to the gates of hell for my h. Now I am getting the chance to do just that.

This is a hell I didn't ask for, but I certainly earned.

Maybe you could ask her to meet you some place neutral? Explain that you need time to process all of this. That it is happening way too fast. That you know that she must have some compassion and feeling for you somewhere and that you have no misconceptions or expectations. You just ask that she allow you more time before she file.

I asked my h for 6 months. The day he was supposed to see his l for the first time he canceled the appointment. I hope and pray she will do the same.